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  ANDY: Come, put mine armour on: give me my sword. I will not be afraid of death and bane, till Birnam Forest come to Dunsinane.

  LENNOX: Here come the gnomes!

  ANDY: Hang out our banners on the outward walls: the cry is still ‘They come’. Our castle’s strength will laugh a siege to scorn: here let them lie till famine and fever eat them up. Were they not reinforced with traitors, we might have met them boldly, beard to beard, and beat them backward home.

  [A scream.]

  What is that noise?

  LENNOX: It is the cry of women, my good lord.

  [Lennox exits.]

  ANDY: I have almost forgot the taste of fears: the time has been my senses would have cooled to hear a night-shriek, and the hair on my scalp would have stood on end. I have supped full with horrors: direness, familiar to my slaughterous thoughts, cannot once frighten me.

  [Lennox comes back in.]

  Wherefore was that cry?

  LENNOX: The Queen, my lord, is dead.

  ANDY: Lisa? Dead?

  LENNOX: Lisa? Who’s Lisa?

  ANDY: Get out!

  [Lennox exits.]

  She should have died hereafter: there would have been a time for such a word.

  Tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow, creeps in this petty pace from day to day to the last syllable of recorded time: and all our yesterdays have lighted fools the way to dusty death. Out, out, brief candle.

  Life’s but a walking shadow, a poor player that struts and frets his hour upon the stage and then is heard no more. It is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.

  [A messenger enters.]

  Thou com’st to use thy tongue: thy story quickly!

  MESSENGER: Gracious my lord, I should report that which I say I saw, but know not how to do’t.

  ANDY: Well, say, sir.

  MESSENGER: As I did stand my watch upon the hill, I looked toward Birnam, and anon methought the wood began to move.

  ANDY: Liar and slave!

  MESSENGER: Let me endure your wrath, if it be not so. The English garden gnomes have cut down the trees and are carrying branches in front of them so we can’t tell how many of them there are! Look! You can see them coming! The trees are moving!

  ANDY: I don’t believe it! [aside] ‘Fear not till Birnam Wood do come to Dunsinane’… and now a wood comes toward Dunsinane! Those witches tricked me … but never mind. Forests may move, but no man born of woman can harm me! Arm yourselves! Prepare for battle! Blow wind, come wrack, at least we’ll die with harness on our back.

  19

  Turn, hell-

  hound, turn!

  A room in the castle.

  ANDY: They have tied me to a stake: I cannot fly, but bear-like I must fight the course. What’s he that was not born of woman? Such a one am I to fear, or none.

  [Enter a gnome, armed with an umbrella.]

  FIRST GNOME: What is thy name?

  ANDY: Thou will be afraid to hear it.

  FIRST GNOME: No, though thou call’st thyself a hotter name than any is in hell.

  ANDY: My name is Andy.

  FIRST GNOME: Andy? Who’s Andy?

  ANDY: I mean Macbeth. My name’s Macbeth.

  FIRST GNOME: The devil himself could not pronounce a title more hateful to mine ear.

  ANDY: No, nor more fearful.

  FIRST GNOME: Thou liest, abhorred tyrant: with my umbrella I’ll prove the lie thou speak’st.

  [They fight. Andy stamps on the gnome’s foot, its umbrella pops open, and Andy blows into it to send the gnome staggering backwards.]

  ANDY: Thou wast born of woman.

  [A second gnome enters armed with a rake.]

  Were you born of woman?

  [The second gnome stops mid-attack and thinks.]

  SECOND GNOME: Well yes, I was, actually!

  ANDY: Thought so!

  [Andy stabs the garden gnome. A third gnome enters, armed with a fishing rod.]

  Were you born of woman?

  THIRD GNOME: Too right, old chap!

  ANDY: What a pity!

  [Andy stabs the third gnome. The fourth gnome enters, armed with a spade.]

  Were you born of woman?

  FOURTH GNOME: Most definitely, sir!

  ANDY: Sorry to hear it!

  [Andy stabs the fourth gnome. A fifth gnome enters, armed with a wheelbarrow.]

  FIFTH GNOME: [terrified] Aaaagghhhh!

  [The fifth gnome runs straight in one door and out another, without even bothering to stop and fight.]

  ANDY: Swords I smile at, weapons laugh to scorn, if they’re held by one that’s of woman born. Well, is there anybody not born of a woman?

  [Macduff enters. He is still dressed as a gnome, but he is now human-sized.]

  MACDUFF THE GNOME: Turn, hell-hound, turn!

  MACBETH: Forsooth! Macduff! How did you get so big?

  MACDUFF THE GNOME: Brussel sprouts! They don’t taste very nice, but they’re very good for you!

  ANDY: Yuck! Get thee back, Macduff; my soul is too much charged with blood of thine already. I killed all your kittens, puppies and ponies, you know.

  MACDUFF THE GNOME: [grimly] I have no words: my voice is in my sword, thou bloodier villain than terms can give thee out.

  ANDY: I will not yield to kiss the ground before young Malcolm’s feet and to be baited with the rabble’s curse. Though Birnam Wood be come to Dunsinane, yet I will try the last. Before my body I throw my warlike shield. Lay on, Macduff, and damned be him that first cries, ‘Hold, enough!’

  [They fight.]

  I was from my mother’s womb untimely ripped.

  ANDY: Huh?

  MACDUFF THE GNOME: I was from my mother’s womb untimely ripped!

  ANDY: I don’t even know what that means!

  MACDUFF THE GNOME: I was born by caesarean section!

  ANDY: A what section?

  MACDUFF THE GNOME: A caesarean section.

  ANDY: Hmmm. Still don’t really get it.

  MACDUFF THE GNOME: Oh for goodness’ sake!

  [He steps away from Andy and uses his sword to demonstrate ‘incision’ as he explains.]

  A caesarean section is a form of childbirth in which a surgical incision is made through a mother’s abdomen and uterus to deliver a baby! So I guess you could say that, technically, I am not of woman ‘born’.

  [As Macduff finishes his explanation, he moves behind Andy, who has got to his feet and is studying the diagram with great interest. Macduff puts his arm around Andy’s shoulders, his sword at Andy’s throat.]

  ANDY: Accursed be the tongue that tells me so!

  MACDUFF THE GNOME: Do you have any last words before I cut your head off?

  ANDY: Yes.

  MACDUFF THE GNOME: What?

  ANDY: Please don’t cut my head off.

  MACDUFF THE GNOME: Sorry, but I have to. That’s the way the play ends.

  ANDY: Pretty please with sugar on top?

  MACDUFF THE GNOME: No.

  [He cuts Andy’s head off.]

  ANDY’S HEAD: Ouch. I guess that will teach me not to listen to witches, not to listen to my wife, not to ignore my conscience, not to kill the King, not to kill my best friend, not to kill anyone really, not to come to ancient Scotland without a good travel guide, not to put too many marshmallows in my mouth at once because that’s a sure way to get type-2 diabetes and, most importantly, I’ve learned not to make strange potions without the supervision of a responsible adult.

  MACDUFF THE GNOME: Yes, I expect so. But it’s a bit late now.

  ANDY’S HEAD: Oh … yeah … I guess you’re right.

  [He dies.]

  MACDUFF THE GNOME: Good riddance to bad rubbish.

  ANDY’S HEAD: I heard that.

  MACDUFF THE GNOME: You’d better shut up, now. You’re dead!

  ANDY’S HEAD: Yep … sorry.

  [Andy shuts up and dies. Again.]

  20

  All’s well that

  ends well?

&
nbsp; Andy’s kitchen. Andy, Danny and Lisa are lying on the floor, looking dazed. One by one they sit up, beginning with Andy.

  ANDY: My head hurts. And my neck! What a terrible dream!

  DANNY: I had a terrible dream too. I dreamed that you were Macbeth and I was Banquo and the witches predicted that you were going to be King and then you killed King Duncan so you could be King and then you killed Macduff’s kittens and puppies and ponies and practically everyone!

  ANDY: That’s amazing … I had the same dream!

  LISA: Me too … I was Lady Macbeth … and you and I were … married! It was really weird. You were really weird!

  DANNY: Yeah, talk about a ruthless killer! You were completely out of control.

  ANDY: Ruthless killer? Lisa started it! Killing the King was her idea! She told me to do it and when I said no she called me a chicken! She’s an accomplice!

  LISA: Just because I tell you to do something doesn’t mean you have to do it. You wouldn’t jump off a cliff just because I told you to, would you?

  ANDY: No, of course not.

  DANNY: What are you, Andy? A man … or a chicken? I dare you to jump!

  ANDY: All right! I’ll do it! I’m not a chicken. Just tell me where the cliff is and I’ll jump!

  LISA: There is no cliff, Andy. It was just an example to show you that just because I tell you to do something—or Danny dares you to—doesn’t mean you have to do it.

  DANNY: You know what really hurts, Andy? That you had me killed. I’m your friend! Your best friend!

  ANDY: But I had to! You were going to tell everyone that I killed the King! Plus your sons were going to become kings and not mine.

  DANNY: Well what did you care? It wasn’t like you had any sons!

  ANDY: No, but I might have one day …

  DANNY: How?

  ANDY: I’m not going to explain the facts of life to you again, Danny.

  DANNY: No, I don’t mean how … I mean, who with?

  [Andy shrugs, looks at Lisa and smiles.]

  LISA: [alarmed] Don’t bring me into it! We’re not really married, you know!

  ANDY: But we might be one day … maybe …

  LISA: In your dreams.

  ANDY: I’m not going back there again. Too scary.

  DANNY: Serves you right for murdering me.

  ANDY: Get over it, Danny. Thou art naught but a dribbling, dull-witted dolt-head!

  DANNY: Oh yeah? Well at least I’m not a maggot-ridden murderer!

  ANDY: Beslubbering bladder-mouth!

  DANNY: Misbegotten toad-spotted barnacle!

  ANDY: Leaden-footed tickle-brained flea-bitten miscreant!

  LISA: Come now, boys. Name-calling is not very mature …

  ANDY: Mind thine own business, thou puking strumpet-faced shrew!

  LISA: [shocked] Andy!

  ANDY: [also shocked] Sorry, Lisa, I don’t know what came over me. Or any of us for that matter.

  LISA: Me neither … but I think it definitely had something to do with that potion.

  ANDY: Yeah, it was the potion’s fault. None of it really happened, did it?

  LISA: Of course it didn’t.

  ANDY: It was all just a dream, wasn’t it?

  LISA: Of course it was.

  ANDY: We didn’t really murder anyone, did we?

  DANNY: Well, I certainly didn’t.

  LISA: Me neither.

  ANDY: Or me. I’m innocent. We’re all innocent.

  [Someone knocks on the door.]

  ALL: Who’s there?

  VOICE BEHIND DOOR: Open up!

  ALL: Open up who?

  VOICE BEHIND DOOR: It’s the police! We’ve come to arrest you!

  ALL: Aaaggghhh!

  DANNY: Quick, hide the evidence!

  [Andy picks up the food processor and looks around frantically, trying to think of a hiding place. The knocking continues.]

  VOICE BEHIND DOOR: Come on, we know you’re in there! Open up or we’ll knock it down!

  [Andy pours the contents of the food processor down the front of his pants.]

  ANDY: [opening the door] All right, all right.

  [The three Jens enter, laughing.]

  JEN: Gotcha!

  ANDY: You did not.

  SECOND JEN: Yes we did — you should have seen the look on your face!

  THIRD JEN: You were so scared!

  ANDY: I was not!

  JEN: [looking at Andy’s wet pants and the puddle that has formed at his feet] Your pants seem to tell a different story, Andy.

  ANDY: [looking down] No, that’s not what you think!

  JEN: Don’t tell me … Your underpants caught on fire and you had to put it out using only your—

  ANDY: No! You don’t understand!

  JEN: Oh, we understand all right!

  SECOND JEN: Yes, wee understand.

  THIRD JEN: Yes, wee-wee certainly do.

  JEN: Better go upstairs and change … you stink! And by the way … Mum is definitely going to kill you.

  ANDY: [picking up a large knife] Not when she finds out that I killed you first. She’ll thank me!

  JEN: You wouldn’t dare!

  ANDY: Oh yeah?

  [Andy advances menacingly on Jen.]

  Hence, horrible sister, hence!

  JEN: You’re a FREAK, Andy! [to her friends] Come on, let’s get out of here!

  [The three Jens exit.]

  ANDY: [shaking his head at the mess.] So what do we do now?

  DANNY: I don’t know what wee should do now, but I think you should go and change your pants.

  ANDY: Ha-ha, very funny.

  LISA: I think we should rehearse the scene one more time.

  DANNY: But we used up all our ingredients!

  ANDY: You mean you ate all our ingredients.

  DANNY: I can’t help it if I get hungry.

  LISA: We’ll just have to improvise.

  ANDY: Yeah, it shouldn’t be too hard. I mean as far as I can see all we really need is a load of disgusting things. That shouldn’t be too hard to come up with.

  [He searches his pockets and pulls out a scrunched up handkerchief.]

  Look at this handkerchief. I’ve been using it for weeks.

  LISA: Errghh! That’s disgusting!

  DANNY: [taking off his shoes] And I’ve got really smelly socks!

  ANDY & LISA: Pwoaahh!

  [Sooty enters.]

  ANDY: And here’s Sooty: we can get some more of his spit! Here, boy!

  [Sooty runs straight back out.]

  LISA: Never mind. We’ll get that later.

  [They put Andy’s handkerchief and Danny’s socks into the food processor.]

  DANNY: [getting excited] Wow, this potion’s going to be even more disgusting than the last one! I bet you’ll be too chicken to drink this one, Andy.

  ANDY: Oh yeah? I will if you will …

  THE END

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  Just Macbeth! and downloadable

  teachers’ notes, please visit

  www.panmacmillan.com.au and

  www.bellshakespeare.com.au/education

  Additional information from Bell

  Shakespeare’s 2008 stage production

  of Just Macbeth! is also available

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