Robot Riot! Read online

  Andy Griffiths is one of Australia’s funniest writers for children. His books have sold over 4 million copies worldwide, have featured on the New York Times bestseller lists, and have won over 40 Australian children’s choice awards. Visit www.andygriffiths.com.au and panmacmillan.com.au for more information.

  ALSO BY ANDY GRIFFITHS

  AND ILLUSTRATED BY TERRY DENTON

  Just Tricking!

  Just Annoying!

  Just Stupid!

  Just Crazy!

  Just Disgusting!

  Just Shocking!

  Just Macbeth!

  The Bad Book

  The Cat on the Mat is Flat

  The Big Fat Cow That Goes Kapow

  What Bumosaur is That?

  ALSO BY ANDY GRIFFITHS

  The Day My Bum Went Psycho

  Zombie Bums From Uranus

  Bumageddon: The Final Pongflict

  Schooling Around:

  Treasure Fever!

  Pencil of Doom!

  Mascot Madness!

  Robot Riot!

  The characters and events in this book are fictitious and any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

  First published 2009 in Pan by Pan Macmillan Australia Pty Limited

  1 Market Street, Sydney

  Copyright © Backyard Stories Pty Ltd 2009

  The moral right of the author has been asserted.

  All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted by any person or entity (including Google, Amazon or similar organisations), in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, scanning or by any information storage and retrieval system, without prior permission in writing from the publisher.

  National Library of Australia

  Cataloguing-in-Publication data:

  Griffiths, Andy, 1961–

  Robot riot! / Andy Griffiths.

  978 0 330 42518 6 (pbk.)

  For primary school age.

  Robots–Juvenile fiction.

  Friendship–Juvenile fiction.

  A823.3

  Illustration by Nathan Jurevicius

  Typeset in 12/16 pt New Aster by Post Pre-press Group

  Printed in Australia by McPherson’s Printing Group

  Papers used by Pan Macmillan Australia Pty Ltd are natural, recyclable products made from wood grown in sustainable forests. The manufacturing processes conform to the environmental regulations of the country of origin.

  These electronic editions published in 2009 by Pan Macmillan Australia Pty Ltd

  1 Market Street, Sydney

  The moral right of the author has been asserted.

  All rights reserved. This publication (or any part of it) may not be reproduced or transmitted, copied, stored, distributed or otherwise made available by any person or entity (including Google, Amazon or similar organisations), in any form (electronic, digital, optical, mechanical) or by any means (photocopying, recording, scanning or otherwise) without prior written permission from the publisher.

  Robot Riot!

  Andy Griffiths

  Adobe eReader format: 978-1-74198-641-9

  Online format: 978-1-74198-585-6

  EPUB format: 978-1-74198-753-9

  Macmillan Digital Australia

  www.macmillandigital.com.au

  Visit www.panmacmillan.com.au to read more about all our books and to buy both print and ebooks online. You will also find features, author interviews and news of any author events.

  Contents

  Cover

  About Andy Griffiths

  Also by Andy Griffiths

  Title page

  Copyright

  Dedication

  1: Once upon a time

  2: A new recruit

  3: Introducing 5B

  4: Why did the robot cross the road?

  5: Important joke-based lesson no. 1

  6: Important joke-based lesson no. 2

  7: Important joke-based lesson no. 3

  8: A most unusual girl

  9: Spider!

  10: Breaking the rules

  11: Roberta’s diary

  12: Mission report

  13: My mission

  14: The truth about Roberta

  15: Robot research

  16: Mr Shush’s top ten list of things you should NEVER do to a book

  17: Robo-fly

  18: Story-writing

  19: Robot rival

  20: Hands up who loves cellophane!

  21: Mr Brainfright’s important lesson no. 1

  22: Yard duty with Roberta

  23: Drawing

  24: Arm-wrestling

  25: Ten pieces of evidence that prove beyond a doubt that Roberta is a robot

  26: Jenny Friendly

  27: Jenny Not-so-friendly

  28: Robot sandwiches

  29: Reading Roberta’s diary

  30: Sprung!

  31: Grant Gadget to the rescue

  32: Grantbot 1000

  33: A little problem

  34: How to transform yourself into a convincing robot-fighting robot replica in five minutes or less

  35: Henrybot to the rescue!

  36: Henrybot versus Robota

  37: Grantbot versus Henrybot

  38: The most important lesson I have ever learned in my whole life

  39: Spade attack

  40: Mr Brainfright’s important lesson no. 2

  41: Search and destroy

  42: Thief to the rescue

  43: Mr Brainfright’s big idea

  44: Epilogue

  For Mr Bechervaise

  1

  Once upon a time

  Once upon a time there was—and still is—a school called Northwest Southeast Central School.

  Northwest Southeast Central School is located in the southeast of a town called Northwest, which is located to the northwest of a big city called Central City.

  You don’t need to know where Central City is, because it’s not important. What is important is the school. In this school there is a classroom. And in that classroom there is a fifth-grade class. Most important of all, in that fifth-grade class there is a student named Henry McThrottle who likes to tell stories.

  That’s where I come in.

  I’m Henry McThrottle . . . and this is my latest story.

  2

  A new recruit

  It all started one morning at school. I was out in the yard with my friends Jenny Friendly, Jack Japes, Gretel Armstrong and Newton Hooton. We were with the rest of our class, picking up rubbish.

  Thief, the dog that always hangs around the school, was also there. But Thief wasn’t trying to pick up rubbish. He was trying to eat it.

  ‘Eeeuuww, yuck!’ said Jenny, as Thief chomped into an old, dried-up sandwich covered in dirt.

  ‘Look on the bright side,’ said Jack, ‘that’s one less piece of rubbish for us to pick up.’

  ‘I wish he would eat paper and plastic containers as well,’ said Gretel, bending over to pick up an empty bottle. ‘I’m so tired of picking up rubbish.’

  ‘I don’t see why we have to pick up rubbish anyway,’ said Jack.

  ‘We have to pick up rubbish,’ explained Jenny, ‘because if we don’t, Northwest Southeast Central School won’t win the Northwest Tidiest School Award.’

  ‘Who cares?’ said Jack.

  ‘I do,’ said Jenny, ‘because Principal Greenbeard cares, and if we don’t win he’s going to be really upset. And I don’t like to see anybody upset.’

  ‘What about me?’ said Jack. ‘I’m upset about having to pick up rubbish. I came to school to learn how to be a cartoonist, not a rubbish collector!’

  ‘And what about the germs?’ said Newton, trembling. �
�Rubbish has lots of germs, and I’m scared of them!’

  This, of course, was not surprising. Newton was scared of pretty much everything.

  ‘I’ve told you before, Newton,’ said Jenny, patting him on the arm. ‘You don’t have to be scared of germs. Just wash your hands with warm water and soap when we’re finished and you’ll be fine.’

  ‘No, he won’t!’ said Jack. ‘It doesn’t work.’

  ‘Yes, he will,’ said Jenny. ‘My mother says warm water and soap kills all germs.’

  ‘Maybe,’ said Jack, ‘but think about it. You turn the tap on with your germy hands and afterwards you turn the tap off with your clean hands but the germs that you left on the tap when you turned it on with your germy hands get back on your clean hands and make them all germy again, and then when you’re least expecting it—probably when you’re asleep—the germs creep up your arms . . . and then they crawl onto your neck . . . and then they ooze up your chin . . . and then go into your mouth . . . and then climb down your throat and—’

  ‘Jack!’ Jenny and I both said at the same time.

  ‘What?’ he said.

  ‘You’re scaring Newton!’

  Newton was shaking violently and gulping for air. I put my arm around his shoulders until he got his breathing back under control.

  ‘It’s not my fault,’ said Jack. ‘I didn’t invent germs.’

  ‘No one’s saying you did,’ said Jenny. ‘But you are going on and on about them.’

  ‘Sorry, Newton,’ said Jack. ‘I just hate picking up rubbish. It makes me crazy. And all because Principal Greenbeard wants to win a stupid award . . . I’d like to tell him exactly what I think of him and his stupid old award!’

  ‘Looks like you’re about to get your chance,’ said Gretel, ‘because here he comes!’

  We turned to look.

  Principal Greenbeard was striding across the playground.

  He was wearing a white naval-style uniform, like the captain of a ship might wear.

  And there was a good reason for this.

  As far as Principal Greenbeard is concerned he is the captain of a ship and the staff and students of Northwest Southeast Central School are his crew. I know it sounds crazy, but he’s not actually crazy. He’s just crazy about ships and sailing.

  He had a girl with him who I didn’t recognise. She had short brown hair and intense, staring eyes.

  We all stood to attention and saluted.

  Principal Greenbeard returned our salute.

  ‘Good morning, 5B!’ he said. ‘You’re doing a wonderful job on the decks here. Keep this up and we’ll have the old tub shipshape in no time! And I’m very pleased to announce that we have a new recruit to assist us in our grand endeavour.’ Principal Greenbeard looked around. ‘Where’s your commanding officer?’

  ‘Mr Brainfright?’ said David Worthy, our class captain.

  ‘Yes, he is your commanding officer, isn’t he?’

  ‘Yes, sir,’ said David proudly. ‘He left me in charge.’

  ‘And me,’ said Fiona McBrain, looking a little peeved. ‘I am co-class captain, you know.’

  ‘Sorry,’ mumbled David. ‘I mean, he left us in charge.’

  ‘Yes, but where is he?’ said Principal Greenbeard. ‘I can’t stand around here all day! I’ve got a ship to run!’

  ‘I don’t know, sir,’ said David.

  ‘I do!’ said Gretel. ‘Watch out!’ She grabbed David in a flying tackle and the pair of them crashed to the ground.

  ‘Ooof!’ said David.

  ‘Uggh!’ said Mr Brainfright, who came flying off the roof and landed exactly where David had been standing before Gretel knocked him out of the way.

  Tennis balls went bouncing in all directions.

  Mr Brainfright stood up and saluted Principal Greenbeard. ‘Ahoy there,’ he said brightly. ‘You’ll be glad to know that the gutters are clear of tennis balls.’

  ‘Good morning, Brainfright!’ said Principal Greenbeard, chortling. ‘Took a tumble from the rigging, did you? Well, you wouldn’t be the first sailor to do that. And, speaking of sailors, I have a new recruit for you. This is Roberta. Roberta Flywheel.’

  Mr Brainfright turned and solemnly saluted her. ‘Welcome aboard the good ship Northwest Southeast Central,’ he said.

  Roberta looked back at Mr Brainfright, her eyes wide.

  I guess you could hardly blame her.

  With his purple jacket, orange shirt, green tie and crazy hair, Mr Brainfright didn’t exactly look like your everyday normal teacher. Between him and Principal Greenbeard she must have been wondering what sort of place she had arrived at.

  Principal Greenbeard nudged her gently. ‘Salute your commanding officer when he salutes you, sailor,’ he whispered.

  Roberta nodded, and saluted. ‘Good morning, Mr Brainfright,’ she said.

  ‘That’s better,’ said Principal Greenbeard approvingly. ‘I’d appreciate it, Brainfright, if you would take young Roberta here under your command, help her learn the ropes and develop her sea legs.’

  ‘But of course!’ said Mr Brainfright. ‘It’s not only my duty but my pleasure.’

  ‘Good luck, sailor!’ said Principal Greenbeard. He saluted both the new girl and Mr Brainfright, then turned and marched off across the schoolyard. He was, after all, a very busy man. He had a ship to run.

  3

  Introducing 5B

  At that moment Newton whimpered loudly.

  ‘What’s the matter?’ said Jenny.

  Newton was staring at his right hand as if he had never seen it before.

  ‘My hand . . .’ he said. ‘My hand . . .’

  ‘What’s wrong with your hand, Newton?’

  ‘I picked up a yoghurt container and I got yoghurt on it!’ he said. ‘My hand’s covered in yoghurt germs!’

  ‘You’d better take Newton to wash his hands,’ Mr Brainfright said to Jenny. ‘In fact, I think that’s enough yard clean-up for all of us. Why don’t we call it a day?’

  ‘You mean we can go home?’ said Jack hopefully.

  ‘No, I’m afraid not, Jack, but you can go back to class.’

  ‘Thank goodness,’ said Fiona. ‘I can’t wait to start some real work.’ Fiona was pretty much the most enthusiastic student in our class.

  ‘You’re a freak,’ said Clive Durkin, rolling his eyes. Clive was pretty much the least enthusiastic student in our class.

  ‘You’re the only freak around here,’ said Fiona.

  ‘I’m going to tell my brother you said that,’ said Clive. ‘And when he finds out, he’s going to be mad!’

  ‘Going to be?’ said Fiona. ‘I was under the impression that he already was.’

  ‘I’m going to tell him you said that, too,’ said Clive.

  But Fiona didn’t hear Clive’s warning. She was already sprinting towards her beloved classroom.

  None of us were quite as keen as Fiona to get back, but we were relieved that we no longer had to pick up rubbish. And nobody was more relieved than Newton.

  ‘Well,’ Mr Brainfright said to the new girl when we were back in the classroom, ‘I guess we should begin by introducing you to your classmates.’

  Roberta stared intently at each person as Mr Brainfright introduced us.

  Then, when he’d finished, she closed her eyes for a moment, opened them and repeated each of our names perfectly, in exactly the same order as Mr Brainfright had said them.

  ‘Wow! That’s amazing!’ said Jack. ‘You remembered all our names!’

  ‘It’s not really that difficult, Jack,’ said Roberta. ‘It’s simply a matter of paying attention. Most people have very short attention spans.’

  ‘Quite so!’ said Mr Brainfright. ‘Paying attention is the most important thing in the world, Ro . . . Ro . . . Rowena, isn’t it?’

  ‘Roberta!’ she said.

  ‘I know,’ said Mr Brainfright, smiling. ‘I was joking.’

  ‘Oh,’ said Roberta, frowning.

  ‘How about you take t
his desk next to Jenny Friendly?’ said Mr Brainfright. ‘She will look after you for the next few days while you find your bearings.’

  ‘I’ve already found them,’ said Roberta. ‘Principal Greenbeard took me on a short tour of the school earlier.’

  ‘Wonderful! Nevertheless, we can all use a friend, and you won’t find anyone in the school friendlier than Jenny Friendly!’

  ‘Thank you,’ said Jenny, looking pleased and gesturing to Roberta to come and sit beside her. ‘By the way, Mr Brainfright, did you enjoy your banana this morning?’

  ‘Yes indeed!’ he replied. ‘And a most delicious specimen it was too! Thank you, Jenny.’

  Although the traditional gift for a teacher at Northwest Southeast Central School was an apple, bananas are Mr Brainfright’s favourite fruit so Jenny puts one on his desk each morning. It’s just one of the many thoughtful and friendly things that Jenny does for people all day long.

  ‘Can we do some real work, now?’ said Fiona.

  ‘Yes,’ said Mr Brainfright, rubbing his hands together. ‘That’s an excellent idea, Fiona! Anybody got any jokes?’

  4

  Why did the robot cross the road?

  ‘Jokes aren’t proper work!’ said Fiona, her shoulders slumping in disappointment.

  ‘Of course they are!’ said Mr Brainfright. ‘You know what they say—many a true word is spoken in jest. Besides, jokes make us laugh, and laughter is one of the most important things in the world!’

  ‘Not as important as maths, though,’ said Fiona.

  ‘Much more important than maths!’ said Mr Brainfright. ‘I think the world would be a better place if we all spent less time doing maths and more time laughing.’

  Fiona frowned, but before she could object, Jack spoke up. ‘I’ve got a joke!’ he said. ‘What do a grape and a chicken have in common?’

  ‘Nothing!’ said Fiona.

  ‘Yes, they do,’ said Jack. ‘They both have feathers . . . except for the grape.’

  Jack doubled over with laughter.

  ‘That’s just stupid,’ said Fiona.

  ‘Yeah,’ said Clive. ‘Whoever heard of a grape with feathers?’