Killer Koalas from Outer Space Read online

  First published 2011 in the US by Feiwel and Friends Books, an imprint of Macmillan

  This edition published 2011 in Pan by Pan Macmillan Australia Pty Limited

  1 Market Street, Sydney

  A collection of stories from The Bad Book and The Very Bad Book

  Text copyright © Backyard Stories Pty Ltd 2011

  Illustrations copyright © Terry Denton 2011

  The moral rights of the creators have been asserted.

  All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted by any person or entity (including Google, Amazon or similar organisations), in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, scanning or by any information storage and retrieval system, without prior permission in writing from the publisher.

  A Cataloguing-in-Publication entry is available from the National Library of Australia

  ISBN 9780330404464 (hbk.)

  Typeset by Liz Seymour, Seymour Designs

  Printed in Australia by McPherson’s Printing Group

  The characters and events in this book are fictitious and any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

  Papers used by Pan Macmillan Australia Pty Ltd are natural, recyclable products made from wood grown in sustainable forests. The manufacturing processes conform to the environmental regulations of the country of origin.

  These electronic editions published in 2011 by Pan Macmillan Australia Pty Ltd

  1 Market Street, Sydney 2000

  The moral rights of the creators have been asserted.

  All rights reserved. This publication (or any part of it) may not be reproduced or transmitted, copied, stored, distributed or otherwise made available by any person or entity (including Google, Amazon or similar organisations), in any form (electronic, digital, optical, mechanical) or by any means (photocopying, recording, scanning or otherwise) without prior written permission from the publisher.

  This ebook may not include illustrations and/or photographs that may have been in the print edition.

  Killer Koalas from Outer Space

  Written by Andy Griffiths, Illustrated by Terry Denton

  Adobe eReader format 978-1-74262-903-2

  EPub format 978-1-74262-904-9

  Mobipocket format 978-1-74334-569-6

  Online format 978-1-74262-902-5

  Macmillan Digital Australia

  www.macmillandigital.com.au

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  Contents

  Cover

  Copyright Page

  Killer Koalas from Outer Space

  Very Bad Mary, Quite Contrary

  Little Willy

  Bad Mummy and Daddy and the Volcano

  The Old Woman Who Lived in a Poo

  The Very Bad Ant and the Big Red Shiny Space Rocket

  Very Bad Koala Riddles

  Brian and His Very Bad Idea

  The Three Bad Guys and the Very Bad Idea

  The Very Bad Fish

  The Dog that Fell Apart

  BAD Magazine 1

  Very Bad Farmer Riddles

  Very Bad Invention No. 1: The Non-flush Toilet

  Very Bad Invention No. 2: Non-elastic Underpants

  Nobody Likes Me

  Bad Macdonald

  The Boy Who Ate Dead Flies

  Very Stupid Riddles

  A Very Bad Penguin Joke

  The Very Bad Road

  The Sad Bad Bad-man

  VERY BAD FAIRY TALES PRESENTS: Mud Brown and the Seven Slobs

  Mummy, Mummy!

  BAD Magazine 2

  The Very Bad Giraffe

  The Very Bad Dentist

  Very Bad Tree Riddles

  Brian and His Very, Very Bad Idea

  The Girl Who Slammed Doors

  A Very Bad Hippo Joke

  The Boy Who Forgot His Head Because It Wasn’t Screwed On

  Tarzan the Monkey Man

  The Adventures of the Dog Poo Family: Part 1

  The Adventures of the Dog Poo Family: Part 2

  The Adventures of the Dog Poo Family: Part 3

  The Very Bad Holiday

  The Very Bad Guide to Good and Bad

  Little Bad Riding Hood

  Peter, Peter, Junk-food Eater

  Bad Daddy and the Pencil Sharpener

  Very Bad Knock-knock Jokes

  Brian and His Very, Very Very Bad Idea

  The Very Bad Builder

  Badword Puzzle

  The Very Bad Story

  The Very, Very Bad Story

  The Very, Very, Very Bad Story

  Very Bad Plane, Ship, and Bread Van Riddles

  BAD Magazine 3

  Killer Koalas from Outer Space

  Killer koalas from outer space:

  They look cute and cuddly,

  but they’ll rip off your face!

  They come here disguised

  as cute marsupials,

  but they’re really face-ripping

  extraterrestrials!

  So, if I were you, from this place I would race

  before those koalas (with unseemly haste)

  get out their claws and

  RIP OFF YOUR FACE!

  THE END

  Very Bad Mary, Quite Contrary

  Very Bad Mary, quite contrary,

  how does your garden grow?

  With poison ivy, prickles, and thistles,

  and spiky weeds all in a row?

  Little Willy

  Eating more than he was able,

  Willy died at the breakfast table.

  “Please, Mama,” said little Meg.

  “May I have his other egg?”

  Bad Mummy and Daddy and the Volcano

  THE END

  The Old Woman Who Lived in a Poo

  There was an old woman

  who lived in a poo.

  She had so many flies,

  she didn’t know what to do!

  She gave them some broth

  and put them to bed.

  Then sprayed them

  with fly spray

  until they were dead.

  The Very Bad Ant and the Big Red Shiny Space Rocket

  Once upon a time, there was an ant. It looked like an ordinary ant, but it wasn’t. It was a very bad ant.

  And the very bad

  ant went along the

  ground and came to

  a stick.

  And the very bad ant

  went up the stick. And

  the very bad ant went over the stick.

  And the very bad ant went down the stick.

  And the very bad ant went along the ground and came to a blade of grass.

  And the very bad ant went up the blade of grass.

  And the very bad ant went over the blade of grass.

  And the very bad ant went down the blade of grass.

  And then it stopped.

  And then it started again.

  And the very bad ant went along the ground

  and came to a big red shiny space rocket.

  And the very bad ant went up

  the big red shiny space rocket.

  And the very bad ant

  went into the big red shiny space rocket.

  And the very bad ant pressed the START button!

  WHOOSH! went the big red shiny space rocket as it blasted off into space.

  “COME BACK WITH OUR BIG RED SHINY SPACE ROCKET!” shouted the astronauts. But it was no use. The very bad ant couldn’t hear them above the roar of the rocket, and even if it could have, it would hav
e kept on flying anyway because, as I think I have already mentioned, it was a very bad ant.

  And the very bad ant went past the moon.

  And the very bad ant went past Venus.

  And the very bad ant went past Mercury and headed straight toward the sun, which was a very dangerous thing to do because the sun is very very hot. Especially when you get really close to it.

  But do you think the very bad ant cared?

  No, of course not.

  It didn’t even have its seat belt fastened

  or its space helmet on!

  The very bad ant just flew the big red shiny space rocket straight into the sun and was burned to death.

  Which wasn’t very nice. But not very surprising, because it was a bad ant. A very bad ant.

  THE END

  Very Bad Koala Riddles

  Q: Why did the second koala fall out of the tree?

  A: It was hit by the first koala.

  Q: Why did the third koala fall out of the tree?

  A: It thought it was a game, and joined in.

  Brian and His Very Bad Idea

  THE END

  The Three Bad Guys and the Very Bad Idea

  Once upon a time, there were three bad guys: a big bad guy, a medium-sized bad guy, and a little bad guy.

  One day, the three bad guys were sitting around in their club house thinking up bad stuff to do when the big bad guy said, “Hey, I’ve got a very bad idea! Let’s not wash our hands after going to the toilet!”

  “That is a very bad idea!” said the medium-sized bad guy, “and let’s also not wash them after picking our noses!”

  “Yeah!” said the little bad guy. “And let’s especially not wash them after touching pets and other animals!”

  And the three bad guys all high-fived each other and agreed that not washing their hands was a very bad idea and they began not washing their hands immediately.

  As it turned out, the three bad guys were right; not washing their hands was a very bad idea because it wasn’t long before their hands were covered in really nasty germs that crawled up their arms, invaded their bodies, and caused sniffles, rashes, fevers, coughing, vomiting, diarrhoea, hepatitis A, hepatitis B, halitosis, tuberculosis, myxomatosis, supercalifragilisticexpialidosis, and tummyache . . . all of which made the three bad guys feel very bad indeed!

  THE END

  The Very Bad Fish

  THE END

  The Dog that Fell Apart

  Once upon a time, there was a dog.

  One day, the dog’s tail fell off.

  The next day, his legs fell off.

  The next day, his nose fell off.

  The next day, his ears fell off.

  The next day, his head fell off.

  The next day was Tuesday.

  THE END

  Very Bad Farmer Riddles

  Q: What did the farmer say when he couldn’t find his tractor?

  A: “Where’s my tractor?”

  Q: What did the farmer say when he found his tractor?

  A: “There’s my tractor!”

  Q: What do you call a farmer with a tractor on his head?

  A: Dead.

  Very Bad Invention No. 1: The Non-flush Toilet

  Very Bad Invention No. 2: Non-elastic Underpants

  Nobody Likes Me

  Nobody likes me, everybody hates me,

  think I’m gonna eat some worms.

  First you chop their heads off,

  then you squeeze their guts out.

  Ooh, what a horrible mess . . . YUCK!

  Bad Macdonald

  Bad Macdonald had a really stinky farm, ee-i-ee-i pee-uw!

  And on that farm, he had a dead pig with its guts coming out, ee-i-ee-i pee-uw!

  With pig guts here, and pig guts there.

  Here some guts!

  There some guts!

  Everywhere, some pig guts!

  Bad Macdonald had a really stinky farm, ee-i-ee-i pee-uw!

  Bad Macdonald had a really stinky farm, ee-i-ee-i pee-uw!

  And on that farm, he had a dead cow with its guts coming out, ee-i-ee-i pee-uw!

  With cow guts here, and cow guts there.

  Here some guts!

  There some guts!

  Everywhere, some cow guts!

  Bad Macdonald had a really stinky farm, ee-i-ee-i pee-uw!

  Bad Macdonald had a really stinky farm, ee-i-ee-i pee-uw!

  And on that farm, he had a dead horse with its guts coming out, ee-i-ee-i pee-uw!

  With horse guts here, and horse guts there.

  Here some guts!

  There some guts!

  Everywhere, some horse guts!

  Bad Macdonald had a really stinky farm, ee-i-ee-i pee-uw!

  The Boy Who Ate Dead Flies

  THE END

  THE END

  Very Stupid Riddles

  Q: Why couldn’t the cat drink its milk?

  A: Because it didn’t have a face.

  Q: What’s red and not there ?

  A: No tomato.

  Q: What’s brown and looks out the window?

  A: A poo on stilts.

  A Very Bad Penguin Joke

  Two penguins were standing on an iceberg. One turned to the other and said, “Radio.”

  The Very Bad Road

  THE END

  The Sad Bad Bad-man

  Once upon a time,

  there was a sad bad bad-man.

  The sad bad bad-man was sad

  because he was bad

  at being bad.

  So, the sad bad bad-man

  went to sad bad bad-man’s school

  where they taught

  sad bad bad-men

  how to be good at being

  good bad-men,

  instead of being

  good at being sad bad bad-men.

  And the sad bad bad-man stopped being sad

  and became glad

  because he learned how to be a good bad-man

  who was good at being bad,

  instead of bad at being bad.

  VERY BAD FAIRY TALES PRESENTS: Mud Brown and the Seven Slobs

  Once upon a slime, there was a disgusting princess called Mud Brown. She lived in a stinking bog with seven slobs called Stinky, Filthy, Snotty, Messy, Grubby, Sloppy, and Robert.

  Mud Brown and the seven slobs ate dirt, put mud in their underpants, sneezed in each other’s faces, shoved handfuls of worms in their ears, and never EVER brushed their teeth.

  One day, an unhandsome prince called Prince Poopy-pants came riding through the forest on a filthy warthog and saw Mud Brown and the seven slobs having a wild mud fight.

  Prince Poopy-pants looked at Mud Brown’s filthy clothes, dirty face, matted hair, and ears full of nasty wriggling worms, and fell in love with her at once.

  He leapt from his warthog and waded into the bog toward her. “You are the dirtiest, most perfectly despicable princess I have ever laid my beady, bloodshot eyes on!” he said. “Will you marry me?”

  Mud Brown scooped up a big handful of mud and slammed it right in the prince’s face. “Of course I will,” she said. “I’ve been waiting all my life for someone as unhandsome, unappealing, and unhygienic as you!”

  Prince Poopy-pants and Mud Brown embraced and kissed but, unfortunately, as neither of them had ever cleaned their teeth in their entire lives, the combined stench of their terrible breath formed a cloud so toxic that it not only killed them both, but also Stinky, Filthy, Snotty, Messy, Grubby, Sloppy, and Robert. And nobody lived ever after.

  THE END

  Mummy, Mummy!

  Son: Mummy, Mummy! What’s a werewolf?

  Mum: Shut up and comb your face!

  Son: Mummy, Mummy! Are we really vampires?

  Mum: Shut up and drink your soup before it clots!

  Son: Mummy, Mummy! I’m scared of zombies!

  Mum: Shut up and eat your brains while they’re still warm!

  THE END

  The Very Bad Giraffe

 
THE END

  The Very Bad Dentist

  THE END

  Very Bad Tree Riddles

  Q: Why did the man cut down the tree?

  A: Because it was there.

  Q: Why didn’t the man cut down the tree?

  A: Because it wasn’t there.

  Q: Why did the tree cut down the man?

  A: Because it was a bad tree.

  Brian and His Very, Very Bad Idea