The Very Bad Book Read online

  Contents

  Mary, Mary, Quite Contrary

  Mary Had a Very Bad Lamb

  Bad Mummy and Daddy and the Volcano

  The Old Woman Who Lived in a Poo

  Little Willy

  Killer Koalas from Outer Space

  The Very Bad Ant and the Big Red Shiny Space Rocket

  The Very Bad Teacher

  Mummy, Mummy!

  Brian and His Very Bad Idea

  The Three Bad Guys and the Very Bad Idea

  Very Rude Animals

  The Very Bad Fish

  The Dog That Fell Apart

  Invasion of the Blood-sucking Grannies from the Grave

  Very Bad Riddles

  Very Bad Invention No. 1 : The Non-flush Toilet

  Very Bad Invention No. 2 : Non-elastic Underpants

  Nobody Likes Me

  Bad Macdonald

  The Boy Who Ate Dead Flies

  Very, Very Bad Riddles

  A Very Bad Joke

  The Very Bad Road

  Inky Pinky Ponky

  Bad Mummy and the Guinea Pig

  Mud Brown and the Seven Slobs

  Mummy, Mummy!

  The Very Bad Teacher

  The Very Bad Giraffe

  The Very Bad Dentist

  Brian and His Very, Very Bad Idea

  Mummy, Mummy!

  A Very, Very Bad Joke

  Invasion of the Blood-sucking Grannies Covered in Gravy

  Tarzan the Monkey Man

  The Adventures of the Dog Poo Family Part 1

  The Adventures of the Dog Poo Family Part 2

  The Adventures of the Dog Poo Family Part 3

  The Very Bad Holiday

  The Very Bad Guide to Good and Bad

  Mummy, Mummy!

  Bad Daddy and the Pencil Sharpener

  The Boy Who Forgot His Head Because it wasn’t Screwed On

  The Very Bad Teacher: Do-it-yourself Version

  Brian and His Very, Very, Very Bad Idea

  Very Bad Knock-knock Jokes

  The Very Bad Dog

  The Very Bad Vet

  Very, Very, Very Bad Riddles

  Killer Koalas from Outer Space

  WARNING!

  This book

  contains nothing

  but very bad stories,

  very bad drawings,

  very bad poems,

  very bad cartoons,

  and very bad riddles

  about very bad characters

  doing very bad things.

  It is a

  VERY

  BAD

  book.

  ALSO BY ANDY GRIFFITHS

  AND ILLUSTRATED BY TERRY DENTON

  Just Tricking!

  Just Annoying!

  Just Stupid!

  Just Crazy!

  Just Disgusting!

  Just Shocking!

  Just Macbeth!

  The Bad Book

  The Very Bad Book

  The Cat on the Mat is Flat

  The Big Fat Cow That Goes Kapow

  What Bumosaur is That?

  ALSO BY ANDY GRIFFITHS

  The Day My Bum Went Psycho

  Zombie Bums from Uranus

  Bumageddon: The Final Pongflict

  Schooling Around:

  Treasure Fever!

  Pencil of Doom!

  Mascot Madness!

  Robot Riot!

  First published 2010 in Pan by Pan Macmillan Australia Pty Limited

  1 Market Street, Sydney

  Text copyright © Backyard Stories Pty Ltd 2010

  Illustration copyright © Terry Denton 2010

  The moral rights of the creators have been asserted.

  All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted by any person or entity (including Google, Amazon or similar organisations), in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, scanning or by any information storage and retrieval system, without prior permission in writing from the publisher.

  National Library of Australia

  Cataloguing-in-Publication data:

  Griffiths, Andy, 1961–.

  The very bad book.

  For children.

  ISBN 9780330425650

  I. Denton, Terry, 1950–. II. Title

  A823.3

  Typeset in Jenson 14/18 by Liz Seymour, Seymour Designs

  Printed in Australia by McPherson’s Printing Group

  Papers used by Pan Macmillan Australia Pty Ltd are natural, recyclable products made from wood grown in sustainable forests. The manufacturing processes conform to the environmental regulations of the country of origin.

  These electronic editions published in 2010 by Pan Macmillan Australia Pty Ltd

  1 Market Street, Sydney 2000

  The moral rights of the creators have been asserted.

  All rights reserved. This publication (or any part of it) may not be reproduced or transmitted, copied, stored, distributed or otherwise made available by any person or entity (including Google, Amazon or similar organisations), in any form (electronic, digital, optical, mechanical) or by any means (photocopying, recording, scanning or otherwise) without prior written permission from the publisher.

  The Very Bad Book

  Andy Griffiths & Terry Denton

  Adobe eReader format

  978-1-74262-245-3

  EPub format

  978-1-74262-247-7

  Mobipocket format

  978-1-74262-246-0

  Online format

  978-1-74262-244-6

  Macmillan Digital Australia

  www.macmillandigital.com.au

  Visit www.panmacmillan.com.au to read more about all our books and to buy both print and ebooks online. You will also find features, author interviews and news of any author events.

  Mary, Mary, Quite Contrary

  Mary, Mary, quite contrary,

  How does your garden grow?

  With poison ivy, prickles and thistles,

  And spiky weeds all in a row.

  Mary Had a Very Bad Lamb

  Mary had a very bad lamb,

  Its fleece was black as tar.

  It smoked and drank and stayed up late

  At its favourite all-night baa.

  It followed her to school one day

  In its bright-red Lamb-borghini,

  Wearing nothing but a sheepish grin

  And Mary’s new baa-kini.

  Mary muttered to herself,

  ‘This really will not do!’

  And so she shot and killed the lamb

  And had a baa-becue.

  Bad Mummy and Daddy and the Volcano

  THE END

  The Old Woman Who Lived in a Poo

  There was an old woman

  who lived in a poo.

  She had so many flies,

  she didn’t know what to do!

  She gave them some broth

  and put them to bed.

  Then sprayed them

  with fly spray

  until they were dead.

  Little Willy

  Eating more than he was able,

  Willy died at the breakfast table.

  ‘Please, Mama,’ said little Meg,

  ‘May I have his other egg?’

  Killer Koalas from Outer Space

  Killer koalas from outer space:

  They look cute and cuddly

  But they’ll rip off your face!

  They come here disguised

  As cute marsupials,

  But they’re really face-ripping

  Extra-terrestrials!

  So, if I were you, from this place I would race

  Before those koalas (with unseemly haste)

  Get ou
t their claws and

  RIP OFF YOUR FACE!

  THE END

  The Very Bad Ant and the Big Red Shiny Space Rocket

  Once upon a time there was an ant. It looked like an ordinary ant, but it wasn’t. It was a very bad ant.

  And the very bad ant went along the ground and came to a stick.

  And the very bad ant went up the stick. And the very bad ant went over the stick.

  And the very bad ant went down the stick.

  And the very bad ant went along the ground and came to a blade of grass.

  And the very bad ant went up the blade of grass.

  And the very bad ant went over the blade of grass.

  And the very bad ant went down the blade of grass.

  And then it stopped.

  And then it started again.

  And the very bad ant went along the ground and came to a big red shiny space rocket.

  And the very bad ant went up the big red shiny space rocket.

  And the very bad ant went into the big red shiny space rocket.

  And the very bad ant pressed the start button!

  WHOOSH! went the big red shiny space rocket as it blasted off into space.

  ‘COME BACK WITH OUR BIG RED SHINY SPACE ROCKET!’ shouted the astronauts. But it was no use. The very bad ant couldn’t hear them above the roar of the rocket, and even if it could have it would have kept on flying anyway because, as I think I have already mentioned, it was a very bad ant.

  And the very bad ant went past the moon.

  And the very bad ant went past Venus.

  And the very bad ant went past Mercury and headed straight towards the sun, which was a very dangerous thing to do because the sun is very, very hot. Especially when you get really close to it.

  But do you think the very bad ant cared?

  No, of course not.

  It didn’t even have its seatbelt fastened or its space helmet on!

  The very bad ant just flew the big red shiny space rocket straight into the sun and was burned to death. Which wasn’t very nice. But not very surprising, because it was a bad ant. A very bad ant.

  THE END

  The Very Bad Teacher

  THE END

  Mummy, Mummy!

  Son: Mummy, Mummy! Can I lick the bowl?

  Mum: Shut up and flush it like everyone else.

  Son: Mummy, Mummy! Why am I running around in circles?

  Mum: Shut up, or I’ll nail your other foot to the floor.

  Son: Mummy, Mummy! Daddy’s on fire!

  Mum: Shut up and get the marshmallows!

  Brian and His Very Bad Idea

  THE END

  The Three Bad Guys and the Very Bad Idea

  Once upon a time there were three bad guys: a big bad guy, a medium-sized bad guy and a little bad guy.

  One day the three bad guys were sitting around in their clubhouse thinking up bad stuff to do when the big bad guy said, ‘Hey, I’ve got a very bad idea! Let’s not wash our hands after going to the toilet!’

  ‘That is a very bad idea!’ said the medium-sized bad guy, ‘and let’s also not wash them after picking our noses!’

  ‘Yeah!’ said the little bad guy. ‘And let’s especially not wash them after touching pets and other animals!’

  And the three bad guys all high-fived each other and agreed that not washing their hands was a very bad idea and they began not washing their hands immediately.

  As it turned out, the three bad guys were right; not washing their hands was a very bad idea because it wasn’t long before their hands were covered in really nasty germs that crawled up their arms, invaded their bodies and caused sniffles, rashes, fevers, coughing, vomiting, diarrhoea, hepatitis A, hepatitis B, halitosis, tuberculosis, myxomatosis, supercalifragilisticexpialidosis and tummy ache … all of which made the three bad guys feel very bad indeed!

  THE END

  The Very Bad Fish

  THE END

  The Dog That Fell Apart

  Once upon a time there was a dog.

  One day the dog’s tail fell off.

  The next day his legs fell off.

  The next day his nose fell off.

  The next day his ears fell off.

  The next day his head fell off.

  The next day was Tuesday.

  THE END

  THE END

  Very Bad Riddles

  Q: What did the farmer say when he couldn’t find his tractor?

  A: ‘Where’s my tractor?’

  Q: What did the farmer say when he found his tractor?

  A: ‘There’s my tractor!’

  Q: What do you call a farmer with a tractor on his head?

  A: Dead.

  Very Bad Invention No. 1: The Non-flush Toilet

  Very Bad Invention No. 2: Non-elastic Underpants

  Nobody Likes Me

  Nobody likes me, everybody hates me,

  Think I’m gonna eat some worms.

  First you chop their heads off,

  Then you squeeze their guts out,

  Ooh, what a horrible mess ... YUCK!

  Bad Macdonald

  Bad Macdonald had a really stinky farm,

  ee-i-ee-i pee-uw!

  And on that farm he had a dead pig

  with its guts coming out,

  ee-i-ee-i pee-uw!

  With pig guts here,

  And pig guts there.

  Here some guts!

  There some guts!

  Everywhere some pig guts!

  Bad Macdonald had a really stinky farm,

  ee-i-ee-i pee-uw!

  Bad Macdonald had a really stinky farm,

  ee-i-ee-i pee-uw!

  And on that farm he had a dead cow

  with its guts coming out,

  ee-i-ee-i pee-uw!

  With cow guts here,

  And cow guts there.

  Here some guts!

  There some guts!

  Everywhere some cow guts!

  Bad Macdonald had a really stinky farm,

  ee-i-ee-i pee-uw!

  Bad Macdonald had a really stinky farm,

  ee-i-ee-i pee-uw!

  And on that farm he had a dead horse

  with its guts coming out,

  ee-i-ee-i pee-uw!

  With horse guts here,

  And horse guts there.

  Here some guts!

  There some guts!

  Everywhere some horse guts!

  Bad Macdonald had a really stinky farm,

  ee-i-ee-i pee-uw!

  The Boy Who Ate Dead Flies

  THE END

  Very, Very Bad Riddles

  Q: Why couldn’t the cat drink its milk?

  A: Because it didn’t have a face.

  Q: What’s red and not there?

  A: No tomato.

  Q: What’s brown and looks out the window?

  A: A poo on stilts.

  A Very Bad Joke

  Two penguins were standing on an iceberg.

  One turned to the other and said, ‘Radio.’

  The Very Bad Road

  THE END

  Inky Pinky Ponky

  Inky pinky ponky,

  Daddy bought a donkey.

  Donkey died, Daddy cried,

  Inky pinky ponky.

  Inky pinky panky,

  Daddy bought a hanky.

  Hanky tore, Daddy swore,

  Inky pinky panky.

  Inky pinky punky,

  Daddy bought a monkey.

  Monkey bit him, Daddy hit him,

  Inky pinky punky.

  Bad Mummy and the Guinea Pig

  THE END

  VERY BAD FAIRY TALES PRESENTS

  Mud Brown and the Seven Slobs

  Once upon a slime there was a disgusting princess called Mud Brown. She lived in a stinking bog with seven slobs called Stinky, Filthy, Snotty, Messy, Grubby, Sloppy and Robert.

  Mud Brown and the seven slobs ate dirt, put mud in their underpants, sneezed in each other’s faces, shoved handfuls of worms in
their ears and never EVER brushed their teeth.

  One day an unhandsome prince called Prince Poopy-pants came riding through the forest on a filthy wart-hog and saw Mud Brown and the seven slobs having a wild mud fight.

  Prince Poopy-pants looked at Mud Brown’s filthy clothes, dirty face, matted hair and ears full of nasty wriggling worms, and fell in love with her at once.

  He leapt from his wart-hog and waded into the bog towards her. ‘You are the dirtiest, most perfectly despicable princess I have ever laid my beady, bloodshot eyes on!’ he said. ‘Will you marry me?’

  Mud Brown scooped up a big handful of mud and slammed it right in the prince’s face. ‘Of course I will,’ she said. ‘I’ve been waiting all my life for someone as unhandsome, unappealing and unhygienic as you!’

  Prince Poopy-pants and Mud Brown embraced and kissed but, unfortunately, as neither of them had ever cleaned their teeth in their entire lives, the combined stench of their terrible breath formed a cloud so toxic that it not only killed them both, but also Stinky, Filthy, Snotty, Messy, Grubby, Sloppy and Robert. And nobody lived ever after.