Just Macbeth Read online

  William Shakespeare wrote The Tragedy of Macbeth in 1606. It was first performed in 1611 and is one of the world’s most famous plays.

  Andy Griffiths and Terry Denton created the Just! series in 1997. It has since gone on to sell over 2 million copies worldwide.

  The Bell Shakespeare Company was formed in 1990 and is Australia’s only national touring theatre company dedicated to re-imagining the works of Shakespeare and other great playwrights. In 2005, they commissioned Andy and co-writer Jill Griffiths to adapt Macbeth for a younger audience. Director Wayne Harrison then transformed their script into the popular and critically acclaimed production that premiered at the Arts Centre in Melbourne on Saturday 20 September 2008.

  The creative team was as follows:

  DIRECTOR

  Wayne Harrison

  DESIGNER

  Pip Runciman

  LIGHTING DESIGNER

  Martin Kinnane

  COMPOSER

  Tony David Cray

  STAGE MANAGER

  Sharna Colvin

  ASSISTANT STAGE MANAGER

  Courtney Hurry

  The cast was:

  ANDY

  Patrick Brammall

  DANNY

  Tim Richards

  LISA

  Pippa Grandison

  JEN

  Rhiannon Owen

  DUNCAN

  Mark Owen-Taylor

  LENNOX

  John Leary

  This book is based on that production.

  www.andygriffiths.com.au

  www.terrydenton.com

  www.bellshakespeare.com.au

  ALSO BY ANDY GRIFFITHS

  AND ILLUSTRATED BY TERRY DENTON

  Just Tricking!

  Just Annoying!

  Just Stupid!

  Just Crazy!

  Just Disgusting!

  Just Shocking!

  The Bad Book

  The Big Fat Cow That Goes Kapow

  The Cat on the Mat is Flat

  What Bumosaur is That?

  ALSO BY ANDY GRIFFITHS

  The Day My Bum Went Psycho

  Zombie Bums From Uranus

  Bumageddon: The Final Pongflict

  Schooling Around:

  Treasure Fever!

  Pencil of Doom!

  Mascot Madness!

  The characters and events in this book are fictitious and any

  resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

  First published 2009 in Pan by Pan Macmillan Australia Pty Limited

  1 Market Street, Sydney

  Text copyright © Andy Griffiths and

  Bell Shakespeare Company Pty Ltd 2009

  Illustrations copyright © Terry Denton 2009

  The moral rights of the creators have been asserted

  All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or

  transmitted by any person or entity (including Google, Amazon or

  similar organisations), in any form or by any means, electronic or

  mechanical, including photocopying, recording, scanning or by any

  information storage and retrieval system, without prior permission

  in writing from the publisher.

  National Library of Australia

  Cataloguing-in-Publication data:

  Griffiths, Andy, 1961-

  Just Macbeth / Andy Griffiths;

  illustrator Terry Denton.

  9780330425346 (pbk.)

  Denton, Terry, 1950-

  A823.3

  Typeset in 12/16pt New Aster by Liz Seymour

  Printed in Australia by McPherson’s Printing Group

  Papers used by Pan Macmillan Australia Pty Ltd are natural, recyclable

  products made from wood grown in sustainable forests. The

  manufacturing processes conform to the environmental regulations of

  the country of origin.

  These electronic editions published in 2009 by Pan Macmillan Australia Pty Ltd

  1 Market Street, Sydney 2000

  The moral right of the author has been asserted.

  All rights reserved. This publication (or any part of it) may not be reproduced

  or transmitted, copied, stored, distributed or otherwise made available by any

  person or entity (including Google, Amazon or similar organisations), in any

  form (electronic, digital, optical, mechanical) or by any means (photocopying,

  recording, scanning or otherwise) without prior written permission from the

  publisher.

  Just Macbeth

  Andy Griffiths

  Adobe eReader format

  978-1-74198-627-3

  EPub format

  978-1-74198-739-3

  Mobipocket format

  978-1-74198-683-9

  Online format

  978-1-74198-571-9

  Macmillan Digital Australia

  www.macmillandigital.com.au

  Visit www.panmacmillan.com.au to read more about all our books and to buy

  both print and ebooks online. You will also find features, author interviews and

  news of any author events.

  Contents

  Characters

  1. Double, double, toil and trouble

  2. So foul and fair a day

  3. Black and deep desires

  4. He doth protest too much

  5. Is this a dagger?

  6. Horror, horror, horror!

  7. Macbeth does murder sleep

  8. Confusion’s masterpiece

  9. All hail the King

  10. Our fears in Banquo stick deep

  11. These terrible dreams

  12. Fly, Fleance, fly!

  13. Hence, horrible shadow!

  14. Something wicked this way comes

  15. Deeds of dreadful note

  16. Not so happy, but happier

  17. Out, damned spot!

  18. Sound and fury

  19. Turn, hell-hound, turn!

  20. All’s well that ends well?

  Characters

  ANDY/MACBETH a schoolboy who becomes

  Macbeth, Thane of Glamis, later Thane of Cawdor,

  then King of Scotland

  LISA/LADY MACBETH a girl in Andy’s class who

  becomes Lady Macbeth, Macbeth’s wife

  DANNY/BANQUO Andy’s best friend who becomes

  Banquo, Macbeth’s best friend

  KING DUNCAN King of Scotland

  MALCOLM King Duncan’s son

  MACDUFF THE GNOME Thane of Fife

  LENNOX a thane

  ROSSE a thane

  FLEANCE Banquo’s son

  JEN Andy’s older sister

  SECOND JEN Jen’s friend who is called Jen as well

  THIRD JEN Jen’s other friend, also called Jen

  THREE WITCHES

  TWO WARRIORS

  THREE APPARITIONS

  DOCTOR

  NURSE

  MESSENGER

  SERVANT

  FIVE GNOMES

  1

  Double,

  double, toil

  and trouble

  You know, I love Shakespeare.

  And when I say I love Shakespeare, I don’t just mean I love Shakespeare, I mean I REALLY love Shakespeare.

  And when I say I REALLY love Shakespeare, I don’t just mean I REALLY love Shakespeare: I mean I REALLY, REALLY love Shakespeare.

  Not only is he the greatest playwright of all time, but if it wasn’t for him, Lisa wouldn’t be standing next to me. In my house.

  Yes, you heard right.

  Lisa Mackney.

  The most beautiful girl in the world.

  Is standing next to me!

  In my house!

  In my kitch
en, to be exact.

  Now, I know what you’re thinking.

  You’re thinking, ‘Andy, what is Lisa Mackney, the most beautiful girl in the world, doing standing next to you in your kitchen in your house?’

  Well, if you’d just stop thinking for a minute, I’ll tell you.

  We’re studying the play Macbeth at school. Our teacher, Ms Livingstone, thinks that the best way to study a play is to perform it, so she’s broken us up into groups and we each have to do a scene in front of the class tomorrow morning. Danny, Lisa and I are doing a scene where three witches put all these really horrible-sounding things into a cauldron and say a spell.

  So that is why we are here in my kitchen: we’re rehearsing our scene. But we don’t have a cauldron. We’re using Mum’s new food processor. Mum doesn’t know it, of course, but I’m sure if she did she wouldn’t mind.

  Anyway, that’s why Lisa Mackney, the most beautiful girl in the world, is standing next to me in my kitchen in my house and why we’re filling the food processor with really disgusting stuff …

  LISA: One toad.

  [Lisa is reading the list of ingredients from a copy of Macbeth and checking the items off one by one as Andy and Danny produce them.]

  ANDY: One toad …

  LISA: Check. Eye of newt.

  ANDY: Eye of newt.

  LISA: Errrggh! Must have been a big newt!

  DANNY: Yeah!

  LISA: Check. Toe of frog.

  ANDY: Toe of frog. Danny? Where’s the toe of frog?

  DANNY: Oh, sorry … I got a bit hungry … here’s what’s left.

  [Danny is eating the frog, which is chocolate. He breaks off a bit of the foot and hands it to Andy.]

  ANDY: Thanks. Toe of frog.

  LISA: Check. Tongue of dog.

  ANDY: We don’t have a tongue of dog.

  LISA: What about Sooty?

  ANDY: Sooty? You want me to cut off Sooty’s tongue?!

  LISA: Well, the recipe does say tongue of dog.

  ANDY: But I can’t just cut off Sooty’s tongue!

  LISA: Do you want our group to get the best mark or don’t you?

  ANDY: But … it’s cruel …

  LISA: Not cruel … necessary. I don’t like coming second. Tongue of dog! Here’s the knife. Hurry up.

  ANDY: Here, Sooty … Here, boy …

  DANNY: ANDY!

  [Lisa and Andy freeze.]

  I can’t believe Andy! He changes completely when he’s around Lisa.

  Always trying to impress her. Yes, Lisa. No, Lisa. I’ll cut off my dog’s tongue for you, Lisa.I didn’t want to do this stupid scene anyway. I wanted to do a battle scene so I could stab someone. I didn’t even want to do a soliloquy, either—which is what this is called, where a character tells the audience what he is thinking—but Lisa said if you do Shakespeare then you have to do a soliloquy. Anyway, that’s mine done. ANDY! DROP THE KNIFE!

  [Lisa and Andy unfreeze.]

  ANDY: Huh? Uggh!

  LISA: Pick up the knife, Andy.

  DANNY: Drop it, Andy!

  LISA: Pick it up!

  DANNY: Drop it!

  LISA: Pick it up!

  DANNY: Drop it!

  [Andy and Danny freeze.]

  LISA: You know, I really like Andy, but boy, he’s got to get some better friends. Danny is really holding him back. Voting for class captains is coming up soon, and I think Andy would make a great boy class captain. But it’s not going to happen all by itself. We could really make an impression with this Shakespeare presentation. It would be a good start. For him, and for me, because I think I’d make an excellent choice for girl class captain.

  [Andy and Danny unfreeze.]

  Pick up the knife, Andy!

  DANNY: Lisa, do you really want Andy to cut off Sooty’s tongue? Really?

  LISA: No … I suppose not … just get a bit of his spit; that will do. It’s close enough, I guess.

  ANDY: Help me lift him, Danny. We need to get his head over the blender.

  DANNY: How do we get the spit out?

  ANDY: Squeeze his back legs!

  DANNY: Like this?

  ANDY: Brilliant! Look at that! It’s pouring out!

  DANNY: Harder?

  ANDY: Yeah, go for it!

  DANNY: Wow, he’s like a fountain!

  ANDY: Yeah! A dog-spit fountain! Good boy, Sooty!

  DANNY: Spit it up, Sooty! Good dog!

  LISA: Come on, you two. Be serious. That will do now.

  ANDY &DANNY: Spit! Spit! Spit!

  LISA: ANDY! THAT’S ENOUGH!

  ANDY: Oh, ah, yes … of course. Danny!

  DANNY: Spit! Spit! Spit!

  ANDY: DANNY!

  DANNY: Spit! Spit! Spit!

  ANDY: THAT’S ENOUGH!

  DANNY: Are you sure? I think he’s got a bit more in him …

  [Andy looks at Lisa—she nods.]

  ANDY: Yes, I’m sure. Good boy, Sooty. You can go now.

  [Sooty runs out of the room at high speed.]

  LISA: Spit from the tongue of a dog. Check. Spleen of blaspheming boy.

  DANNY: Damn! I forgot!

  LISA: You just blasphemed. We can use yours.

  DANNY: No I didn’t.

  LISA: Yes you did. You said ‘damn’. Hand over your spleen, Danny. We need it.

  DANNY: Are you joking?

  ANDY: You heard her, Danny. Hand it over.

  DANNY: No way! You’re not getting my spleen!

  LISA: Do you want us to fail?

  DANNY: No, I just don’t want to lose my spleen. Why can’t we use yours?

  LISA: I’m a girl. The recipe says spleen of blaspheming boy.

  DANNY: What about Andy? Why don’t we use his?

  ANDY: Because I love my spleen!

  DANNY: What is a spleen anyway?

  [Andy, Danny and Lisa all look at each other and shrug.]

  LISA: It doesn’t matter. We’ve got most of the ingredients. I can’t see that a spleen is going to make that much difference. Let’s do the scene.

  DANNY: I thought that was the scene.

  LISA: No, that was just preparing the cauldron. You can’t do the witches scene without the magic potion. It wouldn’t be realistic. And Shakespeare provided the exact recipe in the Scottish play.

  DANNY: The Scottish play? I thought it was called—

  ANDY: Don’t say it! Honestly, Danny, how many times do I have to remind you? The play has a curse on it. Throughout history, whenever the play has been performed and somebody says the name, something terrible happens. In the very first production ever, in 1611, the boy who played Lady Macbeth died backstage. And then—

  DANNY: Hold on; did you just say boy?

  ANDY: Yes.

  DANNY: The boy who played Lady Macbeth?

  LISA: Yes, Danny. If you’d been listening in class, Ms Livingstone already explained this. Women were forbidden to act in Shakespeare’s time. So boys and young men would play the parts of women. Luckily, we live in far more enlightened times.

  DANNY: That sucks. No wonder the boy died.

  LISA: What do you mean?

  DANNY: Girl germs.

  LISA: Girl germs? There’s no such thing.

  DANNY: Actually, you’re wrong. Girl germs have been scientifically proven to be the most dangerous germs on the planet.

  LISA: That’s just stupid. Boy germs are worse.

  DANNY: Wrong again! Boy germs have been scientifically proven to be not only harmless, but may even be good for you.

  LISA: That is so immature.

  ANDY: Yes. Well. Most amusing, Daniel. But getting back to the point, the curse of the Scottish play is absolutely real!

  DANNY: Yeah, right, Andy. If it’s so dangerous, then why are we doing it? I say we don’t. I’d rather fail than risk being killed or having to wear a dress.

  LISA: Well I wouldn’t. I’ve never failed anything in my life and I don’t intend to start now.

  ANDY: And we won’t be killed or have to wear a dress as long as y
ou don’t say the name of the play.

  DANNY: All right. I promise I won’t say M—

  LISA: Danny, no!

  DANNY: Mac—

  ANDY: Don’t say it!

  DANNY: All right … I won’t say Macbeth. Oops!

  ANDY: You idiot! Now our presentation will be cursed!

  DANNY: [sarcastically] Oooooh … spooky!

  ANDY: Just do the sound effects, Danny. And if you say the play’s name again, I’ll kill you.

  DANNY: If you kill me, I’ll become a ghost and come back and haunt you.

  ANDY: Oh yeah? Well then I’ll kill you again.

  DANNY: You can’t kill a ghost.

  ANDY: I’ll give it my best shot!