Just Macbeth Read online

  SECOND WITCH: [to Andy] Look over there.

  [Andy looks away. The witches run off in the other direction.]

  ANDY: [turns back] Where are they? Gone! Good!

  [Lennox enters.]

  ANDY: Saw you the three witches?

  LENNOX: No, my lord.

  ANDY: Came they not by you?

  LENNOX: No, indeed, my lord.

  ANDY: Infected be the air whereon they ride, and damned all those that trust them! I did hear the galloping of horse: who was’t that came by?

  LENNOX: ’Tis two or three, my lord, that bring you word Macduff is fled to England to raise an army of English garden gnomes to help unseat you from your throne.

  ANDY: [aside] Drat that meddling gnome! I’m too late! From this moment on as soon as I think of something I’ll do it, starting with teaching Macduff a lesson he will never forget. I’ll attack his castle and kill everybody and everything in it!

  LENNOX: [enthusiastically] Aye!

  ANDY: His kittens, his puppies and his ponies … everything!

  LENNOX: [enthusiastically] Aye!

  ANDY: No boasting like a fool, this deed I’ll do before this purpose cool. And while you’re at it, here’s a list of the other people I’d like killed, just to be on the safe side.

  [Takes pen and paper out of his pocket.]

  Macduff …

  LENNOX: Aye!

  ANDY: And Rosse.

  LENNOX: Aye!

  ANDY: And The Wiggles.

  LENNOX: The Wiggles? Who are The Wiggles?

  ANDY: Never mind. Just do it.

  LENNOX: Aye, my lord. Anyone else?

  ANDY: Lennox.

  LENNOX: [alarmed] Lennox? [aside] But that’s me!

  ANDY: Yes, I never liked him.

  LENNOX: Lennox is a good man, sire. I would spare him.

  [Andy scratches Lennox’s name off the list.]

  ANDY: All right … but everyone else. And their servants. And their horses.

  LENNOX: Aye!

  ANDY: And my grade 4 teacher, Mr Bradley. He was a really hard marker.

  LENNOX: [frowning] Ay! Will that be all, my lord?

  ANDY: Hang on, here’s another list I made yesterday

  [He pulls a very long piece of paper out of another pocket. He bundles it up and gives it to Lennox.]

  LENNOX: Thank you, sire. I’ll go and get started …

  ANDY: Hold on, there’s more. I wrote this one while I was on the throne yesterday.

  [Produces from another pocket a long list written on a roll of toilet paper.]

  LENNOX: [amazed] That’s a long list, sire!

  ANDY: I’m on a high-fibre diet.

  LENNOX: Will that be all now?

  ANDY: Not quite.

  [He produces and unfolds an extra-large sheet of paper.]

  Here’s the design for a giant mashing and pulverising machine. Have it made to these exact specifications and then use it to kill everybody on the lists … it will help to save time.

  LENNOX: Your wish is my command.

  [Lennox exits.]

  ANDY: I’ll mash and pulverise till all is gore: Macbeth shall rule Scotland for evermore!

  15

  Deeds of

  dreadful note

  16

  Not so happy,

  but happier

  Andy on his throne watching his mashing and pulverising machine as it mashes and pulverises his enemies.

  ANDY: [to Lennox] All right. Shut it off! [sighs] Everything I asked for has been done. All my enemies have been destroyed. And I am the King! So why am I feeling so bad? Being able to kill anyone you want isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Maybe I’m bored. I know! I’ll ring up Danny … oh yeah … I can’t. Phones haven’t been invented yet. Plus he’s dead.

  [Danny enters—as an angel.]

  DANNY: Yeah! I’m dead all right—thanks to you, Andy!

  ANDY: Danny! It’s so great to see you! I’m sorry I had you killed. I really miss you. Can you ever forgive me?

  DANNY: Hmmm … let me see … well … um … gee … ah … let me think about it … er … hmmm … well, um … ah … NO!

  ANDY: Sorry you feel that way.

  DANNY: Not as sorry as me.

  ANDY: Yes, I am. I’m a million times more sorry than whatever you say.

  DANNY: You’ve got me there. Apology accepted.

  ANDY: Thanks. But look at you! You’re looking so well! Much better than the last time I saw you with twenty trenched gashes in your head!

  DANNY: I always said that if you killed me I’d come back and haunt you, didn’t I?

  ANDY: Yes you did. It was very funny.

  DANNY: Then how come you didn’t laugh?

  ANDY: [quickly changing subject] So where have you been, anyway?

  DANNY: Heaven.

  ANDY: You went to heaven?

  DANNY: Yeah, of course.

  ANDY: What’s it like?

  DANNY: It’s pretty cool, actually. We float around on clouds … there’s lots of kittens and puppies and ponies to play with … and there’s a karaoke machine!

  ANDY: Sounds great, but hang on, [starting to laugh] do mine eyes deceive me or are you wearing a dress … Danielle?

  DANNY: Don’t knock it! We all wear these in heaven! They’re so comfortable … and wonderfully liberating! And the best thing is that in heaven, you don’t even have to wear undies! But enough about me, how about you? How are you getting on?

  ANDY: Great! Yeah! Fabulous!

  DANNY: [sceptical] Really?

  ANDY: Well, you know, not so … um … not so good … Pretty bad actually. Nothing’s turned out the way I thought it would.

  DANNY: What’s wrong? You got everything you wanted, didn’t you? Glamis. Cawdor. King. Even Lisa.

  ANDY: Yeah, I know. But Lisa hasn’t been the same since we murdered King Duncan. She’s always washing her hands and talking to herself. I’m really worried about her. I think she might be losing it.

  DANNY: Look who’s talking! You’re sitting here chatting to a ghost! Still, at least you’re King.

  ANDY: Yeah, but it’s not that much fun, really. Everybody’s scared of me.

  DANNY: Gee, I wonder why! Maybe you shouldn’t go around murdering everybody.

  ANDY: Yeah, you’re probably right. But, gee, it’s so good to see you again! Let’s have some Wizz Fizz to celebrate!

  DANNY: Thanks for the offer, but I’ve really got to go. It’s karaoke-challenge day: I’m doing a duet with King Duncan.

  ANDY: King Duncan?

  DANNY: Yes … he’s up in heaven too!

  ANDY: Well, good luck. But King Duncan is a terrible singer. And, no offence, but you’re not that good either!

  DANNY: That’s where you’re wrong, Andy, because in heaven, everybody can sing. Like angels!

  [Duncan’s voice drifts down from heaven.]

  DUNCAN: [singing beautifully] Oh yeah, baby! Come on, come on, baby!

  [Danny exits, rising on his cloud which seems to be drawn up by the music.]

  ANDY: Danny? Don’t go! DANNY! [sighs] Now I get it. ‘Not so happy, yet happier!’ … ‘Not so great, but greater.’ Ever get the feeling you’ve been cheated? You think you’ve won, but you’ve really been defeated!

  17

  Out, damned

  spot!

  Lady Macbeth’s chambers. A doctor and nurse are hiding behind a curtain.

  DOCTOR: I have two nights watched with you, but can perceive no truth in your report. When was it she last walked?

  NURSE: Four nights ago I saw her rise from her bed, throw her nightgown upon her, unlock her closet, take forth paper, fold it, write upon it, read it, afterwards seal it, and again return to bed; yet all this while in a most fast sleep.

  DOCTOR: What, at any time, have you heard her say?

  NURSE: That, sir, which I will not repeat.

  DOCTOR: [shocked] The F-word?

  NURSE: Worse.

  DOCTOR: Worse than the F-word?

  NURSE:
Much worse.

  DOCTOR: Much worse than the F-word? Surely there is no word in all the dictionaries of the world worse than the F-word!

  NURSE: Alas, there is … quite a few, actually. I have heard tell of one word that is so disgusting that if you were to hear it you would immediately throw up and your head would explode!

  DOCTOR: Forsooth! I pray that I am never so unfortunate as to be cursed to hear a word such as that …

  [curiosity getting the better of him]

  What is the word?

  NURSE: [whispering] I can’t say: if I were to say it, you would immediately throw up and your head would explode.

  DOCTOR: [disappointed] Oh.

  NURSE: Lo you, here she comes! This is her very guise; and, upon my life, fast asleep. Observe her; stand close.

  [Andy enters and sees the doctor and nurse hiding.]

  ANDY: What are you two doing hiding there?

  DOCTOR: [startled] There have been reports of the Queen sleepwalking, sire. Look, here she comes!

  [Lisa enters, sleepwalking.]

  You see her eyes are open.

  NURSE: Ay, but their sense is shut.

  ANDY: [walks up to her, waves his hand in front of her eyes] That’s freaky!

  DOCTOR: What is it she does now? Look how she rubs her hands.

  LISA: Yet here’s a spot.

  DOCTOR: Hark! She speaks.

  LISA: Out, damned spot! Out, I say!—One: two: why then ’tis time to do it.

  Hell is murky.

  Fie, my lord, fie! A soldier and afraid? What need we fear who knows it, when none can call our power to account?—Yet who would have thought the old man to have so much blood in him?

  DOCTOR: Do you mark that?

  ANDY: [dismissively] Just sounds like gibberish to me.

  DOCTOR: Do you think so? It sounds like she might be talking about King Duncan.

  ANDY: But he’s dead.

  DOCTOR: Exactly …

  ANDY: What are you trying to say, doctor?

  DOCTOR: Nothing! Hark—she speaks again …

  LISA: The Thane of Fife had a wife: and some kittens, puppies and ponies; where are they now?—What, will these hands never be clean?

  NURSE: The Thane of Fife. That’s Macduff.

  ANDY: It’s just sleep talking I tell you. It doesn’t mean a thing!

  DOCTOR: [to nurse] Be quiet. You have known what you should not.

  NURSE: [to doctor] She has spoke what she should not, I am sure of that. Heaven knows what she has known!

  LISA: Here’s the smell of the blood still: all the perfumes of Andy’s sister Jen’s bedroom will not sweeten this little hand. [moans] Ohhhhh!

  DOCTOR: Jen?

  NURSE: Andy?

  DOCTOR: Who’s Jen?

  NURSE: Who’s Andy?

  ANDY: No-one I tell you! She’s just talking nonsense! I’m going to wake her up.

  [He goes to touch her shoulder.]

  DOCTOR: No!

  [The doctor jumps up, but in his attempt to prevent Lady Macbeth from being woken, he trips over and crashes loudly to the floor.]

  You must never wake a sleepwalker. The shock might kill them!

  LISA: Wash your hands, put on your nightgown, look not so pale. I tell you yet again, Banquo’s buried; he cannot come out of his grave! To bed, to bed! There’s knocking at the gate. Come, come, come, come, give me your hand. What’s done cannot be undone. To bed, to bed, to bed.

  [Lisa leaves the room. Then she moans loudly.]

  Ohhhhhhhhhh!

  NURSE: What a sigh is there! The heart is sorely charged. I would not have such a heart in my bosom for the dignity of the whole body.

  DOCTOR: [giggling] Hee, hee, hee!

  NURSE: What’s so funny?

  DOCTOR: You said ‘bosom’.

  NURSE: What’s so funny about that?

  DOCTOR: It’s a rude word.

  NURSE: Bosom isn’t a rude word.

  DOCTOR: [giggling] You said it again.

  [The nurse shakes her head. Macbeth is unamused.]

  ANDY: Grow up! You’re being very immature.

  DOCTOR: [making a great effort to pull himself together] Sorry.

  ANDY: Will she go to bed?

  DOCTOR: Directly.

  ANDY: That’s for the best. She just needs a good night’s sleep. I think we all do.

  [Andy exits.]

  DOCTOR: Foul whisperings are abroad. Unnatural deeds do breed unnatural troubles, infected minds to their deaf pillows will discharge their secrets.

  More needs she the divine than the doctor. God, God forgive us all. Watch her closely and make sure she doesn’t hurt her … bosom … I mean self! I meant make sure she doesn’t hurt her self. Goodnight.

  NURSE: Goodnight, good doctor.

  18

  Sound

  and fury

  A room in the castle.

  ANDY: Bring me no more reports. Let them fly all: till Birnam Wood picks itself up out of the ground and comes to Dunsinane, I will not lose courage. What’s the gnome Macduff? Was he not born of woman? The spirits that know all mortal consequences have pronounced me thus: ‘Fear not, Macbeth: no man that’s born of woman shall ever have power upon thee.’ Then fly, false thanes, and mingle with the English gnomes. The mind I sway by and the heart I bear shall never sag with doubt nor shake with fear.

  [Enter a terrified servant.]

  The devil damn thee black, thou cream-faced loon! Where got thou that goose look?

  SERVANT: There are ten thousand—

  ANDY: Geese, villain?

  SERVANT: Gnomes, sir.

  ANDY: What gnomes, fool?

  SERVANT: The English garden gnomes, so please you.

  ANDY: No it does not please me! Take thy face hence!

  [The servant exits.]

  I am sick at heart. This gnome attack will decide for certain whether I remain King or am dethroned. Lennox!

  [Lennox enters.]

  LENNOX: What’s your gracious pleasure?

  ANDY: What news more?

  LENNOX: All is confirmed, my lord, which was reported. Gnomes. Ten thousand English garden gnomes.

  ANDY: I’ll fight till from my bones my flesh be hacked. Give me my armour.

  LENNOX: ’Tis not needed yet.

  ANDY: I’ll put it on! Send out more horses: scour the country round: hang those that talk of fear. Give me mine armour.

  [Lennox exits.]

  Doctor!

  [The doctor enters.]

  DOCTOR: Sire!

  ANDY: How does the Queen, doctor?

  DOCTOR: Not so sick, my lord, as she is troubled with thick-coming fancies and delusions that keep her from rest.

  ANDY: Cure her of that.

  DOCTOR: What do you suggest?

  ANDY: I don’t know … thou art the doctor! Canst thou not minister to a mind diseased, pluck from the memory a rooted sorrow, erase the written troubles of the brain, and with some sweet oblivious antidote cleanse the stuffed bosom of that perilous stuff which weighs upon the heart?

  DOCTOR: [giggling] Hee hee hee!

  ANDY: What’s so funny now?

  DOCTOR: You said ‘bosom’!

  ANDY: [losing his temper] Throw medicine to the dogs! I’ll none of it!

  DOCTOR: [aside] Were I from Dunsinane away and clear, profit again should hardly draw me here.

  [The doctor exits. Lennox enters carrying Macbeth’s armour.]