What Bumosaur is That? Read online

  Andy Griffiths became aware of the urgent need for a comprehensive guide to bumosaurs during the writing of the final volume of his internationally bestselling Bum trilogy. The magnificent work of non-fiction that you now hold in your hands is the result of at least half an hour of painstaking research. It draws together all the known information—both factual and non-factual—on this unfortunate period in the history of life on Earth. Andy was delighted when Dr Terence Denton agreed to travel back in time with him to help to bring these arsetounding creatures to life.

  Terry Denton is a well known and very serious scientific illarsetrator. It was the highlight of his career to be invited along as the official artist on this First Great Bumosaur Expedition by Dr Andrew Griffiths. While he has vast experience illarsetrating scientific texts such as the Just! books and The Cat on the Mat is Flat, nothing could quite prepare him for the exhilaration of coming face to face with creatures such as the Tricerabutt and the Tyrannosore-arse Rex with only a pen and paper to defend himself. After a particularly frightening incident with the Great woolly butthead (not Andy!) he was badly wounded and is presently recovering in hospital.

  ALSO BY ANDY GRIFFITHS

  AND ILLUSTRATED BY TERRY DENTON

  Just Tricking!

  Just Annoying!

  Just Stupid!

  Just Crazy!

  Just Disgusting!

  The Bad Book

  The Cat on the Mat is Flat

  ALSO BY ANDY GRIFFITHS

  The Day My Bum Went Psycho

  Zombie Bums From Uranus

  Bumageddon: The Final Pongflict

  ALSO BY ANDY GRIFFITHS

  (with Jim Thomson and Sophie Blackmore)

  Fast Food and No Play Make Jack a Fat Boy:

  Creating a healthier lifestyle for you and your children

  First published 2007 in Pan by Pan Macmillan Australia Pty Limited

  1 Market Street, Sydney

  Text copyright © Backyard Stories Pty Ltd 2007

  Illustrations copyright © Terry Denton 2007

  The moral rights of the creators has been asserted.

  All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted by any person or entity (including Google, Amazon or similar organisations), in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, scanning or by any information storage and retrieval system, without prior permission in writing from the publisher.

  National Library of Australia

  cataloguing-in-publication data:

  Griffiths, Andy, 1961-.

  What bumosaur is that?

  For children.

  ISBN 978 0 330 42301 4 (pbk).

  1. Children’s stories. 2. Humorous fiction - Juvenile fiction.

  3. Practical jokes - Juvenile fiction. I. Denton, Terry 1950-. II. Title.

  A823.3

  Typeset in 14/16 Jenson Classico

  Printed in Australia by McPherson’s Printing Group

  The characters and events in this book are fictitious and any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

  Papers used by Pan Macmillan Australia Pty Ltd are natural, recyclable products made from wood grown in sustainable forests. The manufacturing processes conform to the environmental regulations of the country of origin.

  These electronic editions published in 2007 by Pan Macmillan Australia Pty Ltd

  1 Market Street, Sydney 2000

  The moral right of the creators has been asserted.

  All rights reserved. This publication (or any part of it) may not be reproduced or transmitted, copied, stored, distributed or otherwise made available by any person or entity (including Google, Amazon or similar organisations), in any form (electronic, digital, optical, mechanical) or by any means (photocopying, recording, scanning or otherwise) without prior written permission from the publisher.

  What Bumosaur is That?

  Andy Griffiths

  Adobe eReader format 978-1-74198-258-9

  Mobipocket format 978-1-74198-376-0

  Online format 978-1-74198-435-4

  Epub format 978-1-74262-212-5

  Macmillan Digital Australia

  www.macmillandigital.com.au

  Visit www.panmacmillan.com.au to read more about all our books and to buy both print and ebooks online. You will also find features, author interviews and news of any author events.

  Contents

  About Andy and Terry

  Also by Andy Griffiths and Illustrated by Terry Denton

  Introduction

  Invertebutts

  Bum-sponge

  Trilobutt

  Jelly bumfish

  Sea scorpibum

  Spiny bum-urchin

  Octobumopus

  Bumolutionary time-chart

  Bumfish

  Brown-blobpedo fish

  Colonacanth

  Bumray

  Stinkleosteus

  Bum-head shark

  Deep-sea bum-dangler

  Bumolution: how life bumvolved

  Bumphibians and stenchtiles

  Bumskipper

  Bogasaurus

  Bumetrodon

  Poopigator

  Scatosaurus

  Turdle

  Bumaconstrictor

  Prehistoric bum-plant life

  Farthropods and Stinksects

  Bumipede

  Bumslug

  Bumsquito

  Giant mutant blowfly

  Bumantula

  Giant prehistoric stinkant

  How a bumosaur works

  Bumosaurs

  Poopasaur

  Toiletrollasaurus

  Badlydrawn bumosaurus

  Bum-headed idiotasaurus

  Very rare long-necked long-legged short-tailed

  stupid-looking tiny bum-headed droopy-eyed idiotasaurus

  Bum-eyed bumosaurus

  Bumontopimus

  Diapersaurus

  Diarrhoeasaurus

  Itchybumosaurus

  Frill-necked cyclopootops

  Skullbuttosaurus

  Sparebumosaurus

  Stink Kong

  Toiletbrushasaurus

  Tricerabutt

  Tyrannosore-arse rex

  Bigarseosaurus

  Gigantarsesaurus

  Great white bumosaurus

  Microbumosaurus

  Stenchgantorsaurus

  Tyrannosore-arse rex versus Tricerabutt

  Bumornithids

  Bumadactyl

  Arseyopteryx

  Fartosaurus

  Flushasaurus rex

  Pteranobum

  Underpantsosaurus

  High-speed mini bumosaurus

  Exstinktion of the bumosaurs

  Bummals

  Loch Ness bum-monster

  Disgustagong

  Great woolly butthead

  Sabre-toothed bum

  Abuminable Poo-man

  Bumanderthal

  Famarse bumosaurologists

  Index

  * * *

  Introduction

  Life on Earth began with primitive bumteria that appeared in the oceans during the Pre-Crappian era 600 million years ago. Over time, these bumteria bumvolved into more complex forms of bum life, including invertebutts, bumfish, bumphibians, stenchtiles, farthropods, stinksects and bumornithids until eventually giving rise to the group of stenchtiles we know as the bumosaurs.

  Bumosaurs appeared on the Earth 203 million years ago at the beginning of the Triarssic period. They came in a stunning variety of shapes and sizes, with an equally stunning variety of stinks and stenches.

  Dominating bum life on Earth for the next 150 million years, bumosaurs disappeared from the fossil record a
round 65 million years ago. The exstinktion of the bumosaurs allowed a new species of bum life called bummals to bumvolve, eventually leading to the emergence of the earliest bum-men.

  Although the focus of this book is on bumosaurs, examples of bum-related life forms from all major groups have been included in order to provide the most comprehensive—and up-to-date—guide to prehistoric bum life ever published.

  * * *

  Invertebutts

  Life on Earth began in the seas with primitive bumteria during the Pre-crappian era. Over time, these early single-cheeked bums clumped together to form some of the first multi-cheeked invertebutts in the Crapozoic era oceans.

  BUM-SPONGE

  TRILOBUTT

  JELLY BUMFISH

  SEA SCORPIBUM

  SPINY BUM-URCHIN

  OCTOBUMOPUS

  Bum-sponge

  The Bum-sponge lived permanently attached to the sea floor, absorbing bumteria. It had two distinct cheeks, which is the identifying characteristic of all forms of bum life, both modern and prehistoric.

  What it lacked, however, were arms, legs, a mouth, internal organs, a nervous system, a personality and hobbies or interests of any kind.

  It is believed that the species was forced to bumvolve other features, such as the ability to create bubbles by releasing gas underwater, in an effort to entertain itself and relieve the boredom of its incredibly dull life.

  VITAL STATISTICS

  Scientific name: Squeezius cheeki

  Family: Squisherbutt

  Diet: Bumteria-ivorarse

  Time: Crappian 540–500 mya

  Stink rating:

  Trilobutt

  Appearing some 600 million years ago, the Trilobutt was a hard, triple-cheeked bottom feeder. Its flattened shape made it uniquely suited to filtering mud, invertebutt droppings and bumganic particles as it scuttled along the sea floor.

  Its hard shell kept it safe from predators; thus it was one of the most successful of all early bum life forms. It swam, crawled and burrowed in the Crapozoic oceans for the next 350 million years.

  There were many different species of Trilobutt, and some—such as Trilobuttus gigantis—grew to enormarse proportions.

  VITAL STATISTICS

  Scientific name: Tricheekium buttus

  Family: Stinkerbutt

  Diet: Mudivorarse

  Time: Crapozoic era 540–250 mya

  Stink rating:

  Jelly bumfish

  Despite having no bones, no heart, no blood and no brains the gas-filled, bumcheek-shaped Jelly bumfish was one of the fiercest of the later soft-bodied invertebutts.

  Jelly bumfish travelled in large schools, trailing their long stenchtacles behind them. These stenchtacles each had a deadly jelly-bum on the end, which could swiftly kill captured prey by infecting them with deadly bumteria. The Jelly bumfish would then absorb the prey’s body by bumosis, a primitive form of osmosis in which food is absorbed through tiny pores in the bum cheeks.

  VITAL STATISTICS

  Scientific name: Piscatis jellibulus

  Family: Squisherbutt

  Diet: Carnivorarse

  Time: Ordungocian 500–435 mya

  Stink rating:

  Sea scorpibum

  The Sea scorpibum was the giant ancestor of the modern-day scorpion, and one of the most feared prehistoric deep-water bum life forms. The enormous claws of a Sea scorpibum could cut a giant Trilobutt in half, and the venom-sacs in its bum-shaped stinger contained raw sewage so potent that it could kill a school of Jelly bumfish within seconds.

  Evidence suggests, however, that these terrifying creatures engaged in quite elegant courtship rituals. These would begin with the male grasping the female’s pincers and performing a dance called the bumenade a deux. This dance eventually developed into a range of styles, including bumroom dancing, bum-ballet, stench-jazz and stink-hop.

  VITAL STATISTICS

  Scientific name: Scorpius oceania

  Family: Pinchabutt

  Diet: Carnivorarse

  Time: Ordungocian, Sewerian 500–410 mya

  Stink rating:

  Spiny bum-urchin

  One of the spikiest and most unpleasant of the unpleasant prehistoric deep-water creatures, the Spiny bum-urchin left behind a trail of death and destruction wherever it went.

  Although it fed exclusively on other smaller Spiny bum-urchins (stuffing them two or three at a time into its horrid little spiny mouth), many other creatures were spiked to death on its long spiny spines as it moved across the prehistoric ocean floor in search of more Spiny bum-urchins to stuff into its horrid little spiny mouth.

  VITAL STATISTICS

  Scientific name: Spinius bumi

  Family: Cannibalobutt

  Diet: Spiny bum-urchinivorarse

  Time: Ordungocian 500–435 mya

  Stink rating:

  Octobumopus

  The eight-armed, eight-headed, sixteen-cheeked, sixteen-eyed Octobumopus was a predecessor of the eight-armed, one-headed, two-eyed octopus that we are familiar with today.

  As well as being bizarre in appearance, the Octobumopus had a highly developed defence system. If threatened, it would eject eight clouds of thick brownish liquid to blind—and disgust—predators. It would then use the incredible thrusting power of its sixteen cheeks to escape at high speed, leaving its attacker completely grossed out and in desperate need of an industrial-strength disinfectant.

  VITAL STATISTICS

  Scientific name: Octavio posteriosi

  Family: Freakasaur

  Diet: Carnivorarse

  Time: Sewerian 435–410 mya

  Stink rating:

  Bumolutionary time-chart

  PRE-CRAPPIAN TIME

  4600 – 540 million years ago (mya)

  Origin of bum life in the sea

  CRAPOZOIC ERA

  CRAPPIAN PERIOD

  540 – 500 mya

  First invertebutts

  ORDUNGOCIAN PERIOD

  500 – 435 mya

  First vertebutts (bumfish) and bum-plants

  SEWERIAN PERIOD

  435 – 410 mya

  Armoured bumfish

  DEBUMIAN PERIOD

  410 – 355 mya

  First bumphibians

  CARBUMIFEROUS PERIOD

  355 – 295 mya

  First stinksects

  POOMIAN PERIOD

  First stenchtiles

  295 – 250 mya

  MESSOZOIC ERA

  TRIARSSIC PERIOD

  First bumosaurs

  250 – 203 mya

  JURARSSIC PERIOD

  First flying bumosaurs

  203 – 135 mya

  CRAPACEOUS PERIOD

  135 – 65 mya

  First gigantic bumosaurs

  SCENTOZOIC ERA

  FARTOCENE EPOCH

  65 – 1.75 mya

  First bummals

  BUMOCENE EPOCH

  1.75 mya – present

  First Bumanderthals and bum-men

  Bumfish

  Major advances in bumolution during the Crapozoic era saw the rise of the first vertebutts (bum life forms with internal skeletons). During the Ordungocian period (500–435 million years ago) the first bumfish appeared and soon bumvolved into an astonishing variety of forms that quickly came to dominate the prehistoric seas.

  BROWN-BLOBPEDO FISH

  COLONACANTH

  BUMRAY

  STINKLEOSTEUS

  BUM-HEAD SHARK

  DEEP-SEA BUM-DANGLER

  Brown-blobpedo fish

  The Brown-blobpedo fish was one of the earliest bum life forms to use brown blobs—self-propelled, cigar-shaped missiles—as a means of attack and defence.

  The Brown-blobpedo fish launched these brown blobs, or blobpedoes, at any creature unfortunate enough to stray into its territory, usually with predictably devarsetating results.

  Successive generations of Brown-blobpedo fish developed the ability to equip their blobpedoes with homing devic
es and explosive heads. The Brown-blobpedo fish eventually became exstinkt because its blobpedoes achieved such explosive power that they often detonated on launch and bumbliterated the Brown-blobpedo fish itself.

  VITAL STATISTICS

  Scientific name: Blobpedis rancidius

  Family: Crapofish

  Diet: Needle kelpivorarse

  Time: Ordungocian, Sewerian 500–410 mya

  Stink rating:

  Colonacanth

  The Colonacanth appeared around 400 million years ago and was a close relative of one of the oldest living fossil fish, the Coelacanth (see inset). Little more than a length of intestine, the Colonacanth had few defences apart from its ability to startle potential predators with its ugly bum-shaped face. Unfortunately, many of these predators had ugly bum-shaped faces as well, so this defence was of limited value.

  It also proved to be a serious handicap when trying to attract a mate. As a result of both of these disadvantages, the Colonacanth died out fairly quickly.

  VITAL STATISTICS

  Scientific name: Colonic contagium

  Family: Ickyafish

  Diet: Pooivorarse

  Time: Ordungocian 500–435 mya

  Stink rating:

  Bumray

  While stingrays today are mostly feared for the poisoned barbs on their tails, the Bumray was feared for its terrible breath, one blast of which was strong enough to kill a whole forest of needle kelp or reduce an Octobumopus to a puddle of brown jelly.

  Occasionally, usually when frightened, the Bumray would emit breath so strong that it would blast itself up out of the water and have to use its aerobumnamic shape to glide safely back down again. It is thought by many bumosaurologists that this might have been one way in which bumosaurs eventually learned to fly.