The Cat on the Mat is Flat Read online

  Contents

  COVER

  TITLE PAGE

  COPYRIGHT PAGE

  THE CAT, THE MAT, THE RAT AND THE BASEBALL BAT

  ED AND TED AND TED’S DOG FRED

  PINKY PONKY THE SHONKY, WONKY, BONKY DONKEY

  FROG ON A LOG IN A BOG

  HARRY BLACK, THE SACK, THE SNACK AND A SNEAKY SNACK-STEALING YAK CALLED JACK

  DUCK IN A TRUCK IN THE MUCK

  UNLUCKY LOU, A KIND KANGAROO, A HOLE IN A SHOE AND SOME EXTRA-SUPER-FAST-STICKING SUPER-ROO-GLUE

  BILL AND PHIL AND THE VERY BIG HILL

  ANDY G, TERRY D, THE BRAVE TEA-LADY AND THE EVIL BEE

  Andy Griffiths is one of Australia’s funniest and most successful authors. His books include the extremely popular Just! series, which has sold over two million copies worldwide, as well as the New York Times bestselling Bum trilogy. He lives in Melbourne with his wife, two daughters and one (non-flat) cat.

  Tenderised at an early age by his four brothers, Terry Denton somehow survived childhood in inner suburban Melbourne. He escaped to the seaside where he started writing and illustrating children’s books. He is best known for his illustrations in Andy Griffiths’ Just! series and The Bad Book, and for his own Gasp! books and Wombat and Fox stories. He shares a house with his wife and three children and a lawn mower and an electric pencil sharpener and a pop-up toaster that only toasts toast on one side.

  ALSO BY ANDY GRIFFITHS

  AND ILLUSTRATED BY TERRY DENTON

  Just Tricking!

  Just Annoying!

  Just Stupid!

  Just Crazy!

  Just Disgusting!

  The Bad Book

  ALSO BY ANDY GRIFFITHS

  The Day My Bum Went Psycho

  Zombie Bums From Uranus

  Bumageddon: The Final Pongflict

  ALSO BY ANDY GRIFFITHS

  (with Jim Thomson and Sophie Blackmore)

  Fast Food and No Play Make Jack a Fat Boy:

  Creating a healthier lifestyle for you and your children

  First published 2006 in Pan by Pan Macmillan Australia Pty Limited

  1 Market Street, Sydney

  Text copyright © Backyard Stories Pty Ltd 2006

  Illustrations copyright © Terry Denton 2006

  All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording or by any information storage and retrieval system, without prior permission in writing from the publisher.

  National Library of Australia

  Cataloguing-in-Publication data:

  Griffiths, Andy, 1961–.

  The cat on the mat is flat.

  For primary school children.

  ISBN 978 0 330 42260 4.

  ISBN 0 330 42260 X.

  1. Humorous stories, Australian. 2. Children’s stories, Australian.

  I. Denton, Terry, 1950 –. II. Title.

  A823.3

  Internal design by Liz Seymour and Terry Denton

  Typeset in 18/25 Janson Text

  Printed in Australia by McPherson’s Printing Group

  The characters and events in this book are fictitious and any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

  Papers used by Pan Macmillan Australia Pty Ltd are natural, recyclable products made from wood grown in sustainable forests. The manufacturing processes conform to the environmental regulations of the country of origin.

  These electronic editions published in 2006 by Pan Macmillan Australia Pty Ltd

  1 Market Street, Sydney 2000

  The moral rights of the creators have been asserted.

  All rights reserved. This publication (or any part of it) may not be reproduced or transmitted, copied, stored, distributed or otherwise made available by any person or entity (including Google, Amazon or similar organisations), in any form (electronic, digital, optical, mechanical) or by any means (photocopying, recording, scanning or otherwise) without prior written permission from the publisher.

  The Cat on the Mat is Flat

  Andy Griffiths and Terry Denton

  Adobe eReader format

  978-1-74197-012-8

  Mobipocket format

  978-1-74197-414-0

  Online format

  978-1-74197-615-1

  EPub format

  978-1-74197-982-4

  Macmillan Digital Australia

  www.macmillandigital.com.au

  Visit www.panmacmillan.com.au to read more about all our books and to buy both print and ebooks online. You will also find features, author interviews and news of any author events.

  THE CAT,

  THE MAT,

  THE RAT,

  AND THE

  BASEBALL BAT

  The cat sat.

  The cat sat on the mat.

  The cat sat on the mat

  and as it sat

  it saw a rat.

  The cat jumped up

  and chased

  the rat

  around

  and around

  and around

  the mat.

  The rat did not like

  being chased by the cat,

  and after three laps

  around the mat

  the rat said,

  ‘That’s enough of that!’

  And it went

  and got …

  a baseball bat.

  The rat

  chased the cat.

  The rat

  chased the cat

  with the

  baseball bat.

  Around

  and around

  and around

  the mat

  the rat

  chased the cat

  with the baseball bat

  until …

  Never again

  did that cat

  chase the rat—

  the cat

  was much too flat

  for that.

  ED AND TED

  AND

  TED’S DOG

  FRED

  There was a man

  whose name was Ed.

  Ed lived in a shed

  with his friend Ted.

  Ted had a dog

  whose name

  was Fred.

  Ed liked Ted

  and Ted liked Ed

  and Fred liked Ted

  but he didn’t like Ed.

  One morning Fred

  jumped on Ed’s bed.

  Ed said: ‘Fred,

  get off my bed!’

  But Fred

  just growled

  and bit Ed’s head.

  Ed saw red

  and then

  he said:

  ‘I’m fed up

  with Fred

  always biting

  my head!

  I’m leaving this shed.’

  And he went

  to his car

  (which

  was

  red).

  He

  jumped in

  and away he sped.

  Ted said:

  ‘Ed! Come back to the shed!’

  But Ed just shook his head

  and fled.

  So Ted jumped in his car

  (which was also red).

  But it wouldn’t start.

  The battery was dead.

  Ted stamped his feet

  and his face went red.

  ‘Bother! Bother! Bother!’ he said.

  ‘I’ll have to take the sled instead.’

  Ted hitched up Fred

  to the front of the sled

  (which, by the way,

  was also red)
>
  and away

  from the shed

  sped Fred and Ted.

  Ted and

  Fred

  sped

  after Ed.

  Ted saw

  Ed’s

  red car

  up ahead.

  ‘Faster,

  ‘Faster,

  Fred!’

  said Ted.

  Ted and Fred

  were gaining on Ed,

  but all of a sudden,

  Ed stopped dead.

  There was

  a road block

  and a sign that read,

  ‘STOP! DO NOT DRIVE!

  BIG CLIFF AHEAD!’

  Ted said, ‘Fred!

  Stop the sled!’

  But Fred

  could not.

  On they sped!

  Ted and Fred

  smashed into Ed.

  Over

  the

  cliff

  Ed

  plumm-et-ed!

  Closely

  followed

  by

  Ted

  and

  Fred.

  They

  hit the water

  and

  sank like lead.

  Poor Ed

  and Ted

  and Ted’s dog

  Fred!

  They were

  drowning

  and

  almost dead ...

  when they were swallowed

  by a whale

  called

  Ned.

  ‘Bother!’ said Ed.

  ‘Bother!’ said Ted.

  ‘Woof! Woof! Woof!’ said

  Ted’s dog Fred,

  as they bobbed around

  in the belly of Ned.

  Ed and Ted and Ted’s dog Fred

  were certain

  they were surely dead,

  but the

  whale called Ned—

  who was overfed—

  blew Ed

  and Ted

  and Ted’s dog Fred

  out of

  the hole

  in the top

  of his head.

  Up,

  up,

  up,

  flew

  Ed

  and

  Ted.

  Up,

  up,

  up,

  flew Ted’s

  dog

  Fred

  and

  then ...

  down,

  down,

  down,

  they all did

  head!

  ‘Oh no,’

  said Ted

  with deathly

  dread.

  ‘We’ll hit

  the ground.

  We’ll end up

  dead!’

  ‘Fear not,’

  said Ed,

  to his friend Ted,

  stretching a

  handkerchief

  over his head.

  ‘Hang on to me, Ted!

  Hang on to Ted, Fred!’

  and

  down

  to

  the

  ground

  they

  para-chut-ed.

  ‘Thank you,

  thank you, Ed!’ said Ted.

  ‘Thanks to you we are not dead!’

  ‘Woof! Woof! Woof!’

  said Ted’s dog Fred

  as he jumped up

  and LICKED

  Ed’s head.

  Ed

  hugged

  Fred!

  Fred

  hugged

  Ed!

  Ted

  hugged

  Fred!

  Fred

  hugged

  Ted!

  Ed

  hugged

  Ted!

  Ted

  hugged

  Ed!

  And

  they

  lived happily

  ever after ...

  in their shed.

  PINKY PONKY

  THE SHONKY,

  WONKY,

  BONKY

  DONKEY

  This is the story of Pinky Ponky.

  Pinky Ponky was a donkey.

  Pinky Ponky’s tail was shonky.

  Pinky Ponky’s leg was wonky.

  Pinky Ponky’s brain was bonky.

  And that’s the story

  of Pinky Ponky:

  the shonky,

  wonky,

  bonky

  donkey.

  FROG

  ON A

  LOG

  IN A

  BOG

  There once was a frog

  who lived in a bog.

  The frog rode around

  on a jet-rocket log.

  There was no faster

  frog in the bog.

  But then one day

  while riding its log

  the frog looked up

  and saw a dog.

  The dog

  was riding

  a jet-rocket cog.

  ‘My cog is faster

  than your boggy old log,’

  said the dog on a cog

  to the frog on a log.

  ‘My log is faster

  than your rusty old cog,’

  said the frog on a log

  to the dog on a cog.

  ‘We’ll see about that!’

  said the dog on a cog.

  ‘I challenge you, frog,

  to a race round the bog!’

  ‘I agree!’ said the frog.

  ‘It’s you and your cog

  versus me and my log ...

  and I’m going

  to beat you,

  Dog-on-a-cog.’

  But just then

  along came

  the boss

  of the bog:

  a big fat hairy

  slob of a hog.

  ‘STOP!’ said the hog

  to the dog and the frog.

  ‘Racing is NOT

  allowed in my bog!

  Not on a log!

  Not on a cog!

  No log-racing frogs!

  No cog-racing dogs!

  Do you hear me,

  Frog-on-a-log?

  Do you hear me,

  Dog-on-a-cog?’

  But the dog and the frog

  just laughed at the hog—

  and took off at high speed

  around the bog.

  The frog on a log

  got in front of the dog!

  Then the dog on a cog

  got in front of the frog!

  The frog raced its log

  and the dog raced its cog

  around

  and around

  and around the bog

  until ...

  up ahead

  they saw the hog

  standing on top of a

  wall made of logs!

  ‘Stop!’ cried the hog.

  ‘Stop, dog!

  Stop, frog!

  Stop this race around my bog!’

  ‘But we’re going too fast!’

  cried the frog on a log.

  ‘We CANNOT stop!’

  cried the dog on a cog.

  Into the air flew the dog and the frog.

  Into the air flew the log and the cog.

  Into the air flew the hog and his logs.

  And then

  down came the dog

  on top of the cog!

  Down came the frog

  on top of the dog!

  And last of all

  down came the hog—

  right on top of

  the frog’s

  rocket log!

  ‘Hey, this is fun!’

  said the log-riding hog

  as he rode the frog’s log

  past the dog and the frog.

  ‘I’m the fastest hog on a log in the bog!

  Try to catch me, dog and frog!

  Try to catch me on the cog!’ />
  ‘Okay!’ said the frog.

  ‘It’s you on the log

  versus us on the cog,

  and we’re going

  to beat you,

  Hog-on-a-log.’

  And so the dog and the frog

  on the jet-rocket cog

  spent the rest of the day

  racing the hog ...

  around

  and around

  and around the bog.

  HARRY BLACK,

  THE SACK,

  THE SNACK

  AND A SNEAKY

  SNACK-STEALING

  YAK CALLED JACK

  There was a man

  called Harry Black.

  Harry Black had a sack.

  In his sack he had a snack.

  He carried the sack

  with the snack on his back.

  One day while walking

  down a track,

  Harry Black met Jack the Yak.

  ‘Hello, Jack,’ said Harry Black.

  ‘Hello, Harry Black,’ said Jack.

  ‘Is that a snack I can

  smell in your sack?’

  ‘Why, yes, it is,’

  said Harry Black.

  ‘I carry a snack

  in the sack on my back.’

  ‘Can I have some, Harry Black?’

  said Jack the Yak, who had no snack.

  ‘No way, Jack,’ said Harry Black.

  ‘Get your own snack, Jack the Yak!’

  ‘You’ll be sorry,’

  said Jack the Yak.

  ‘You’ll be sorry, Harry Black!’