The 104-Storey Treehouse Read online

  ABOUT THE 104-STOREY TREEHOUSE

  Join Andy and Terry in their wonderfully wild and wacky 104-storey treehouse. You can throw some refrigerators, make money with the money-making machine (or honey if you’d prefer—it makes that too), climb the never-ending staircase, have a bunfight, deposit some burps in the burp bank, get totally tangled up in the tangled-up level, or just take some time out and relax in the beautiful sunny meadow full of buttercups, butterflies and bluebirds.

  Well, what are you waiting for? Come on up!

  ANDY GRIFFITHS

  The 104-STOREY

  TREEHOUSE

  ILLUSTRATED BY

  TERRY DENTON

  CONTENTS

  CHAPTER 1: The 104-Storey Treehouse

  CHAPTER 2: Andy’s Aching Toothache

  CHAPTER 3: Pens, Pencils and Writing Utensils

  CHAPTER 4: The 100-Bear Bunfight

  CHAPTER 5: If Only …

  CHAPTER 6: Tug of War

  CHAPTER 7: Up and Up and Up

  CHAPTER 8: PEEP! PEEP! PEEP!

  CHAPTER 9: Terry, Will You Please be Quiet, Please?

  CHAPTER 10: Terry and the Tooth Fairy

  CHAPTER 11: Let’s Go Shopping!

  CHAPTER 12: Joke-Writing Time

  CHAPTER 13: The Last Chapter

  CHAPTER 1

  THE 104-STOREY TREEHOUSE

  Hi, my name is Andy (moan).

  Q Who am I?

  A Andy (I just told you that!).

  This is my friend Terry (groan).

  We live in a tree (moan, groan).

  Q What did the rock say when it rolled into the tree?

  A Nothing—rocks don’t talk.

  Well, when I say ‘tree’, I mean treehouse. And when I say ‘treehouse’, I don’t just mean any old treehouse—I mean a 104-storey treehouse! (It used to be a 91-storey treehouse, but we’ve added another 13 storeys.)

  Q Which side of a tree has the most leaves?

  A The outside.

  So what are you waiting for?

  Come on up!

  Q How did the idiot get hurt raking leaves?

  A He fell out of the tree.

  It’s got a stupid-hat level,

  Q Where does Dracula keep his money?

  A In a blood bank.

  a money-making machine (that also makes honey),

  a never-ending staircase,

  Q How do shells get around in the ocean?

  A Taxi-crabs.

  a Two-Dollar Shop (there’s nothing over two dollars),

  a Two-Million-Dollar Shop (there’s nothing under two million dollars),

  Q Why did the boy fall off his bike?

  A Because his mother threw a fridge at him.

  a refrigerator-throwing range (with a refrigerator-vending machine so we never run out of refrigerators),

  a bunfighting level (with a bun-vending machine so we never run out of buns),

  Q How can you say ‘rabbit’ without using the letter R?

  A Bunny.

  Mount Everest,

  Q What was the tallest mountain in the world before Mount Everest was discovered?

  A Mount Everest, of course.

  a burp bank,

  a tangled-up level (where everything is really, REALLY tangled up),

  Q What do snakes do after a fight?

  A They hiss and make up.

  a deep-thoughts thinking room,

  Q What is pink and can think?

  A A brain.

  a mighty fortress reinforced with extra-strong fortress reinforcer,

  and a beautiful sunny meadow full of buttercups, butterflies and bluebirds.

  Q Where do butterflies sleep?

  A On cater-pillows.

  As well as being our home (moan), the treehouse is also where we make books together. I write the words and Terry draws the pictures.

  Q Why did the fly fall off the wall?

  A Because it had a piano tied to its leg.

  As you can see (groan), we’ve been doing this for quite a while now.

  There are, of course, a lot of distractions in a 104-storey treehouse (moan)...

  Q What’s grey?

  A A melted penguin.

  but somehow we always get our book written in the end (groan).

  Q Why did the boy throw his clock out the window?

  A Because he wanted to see time fly.

  CHAPTER 2

  ANDY’S ACHING TOOTHACHE

  If you’re like most of our readers (moan), you’re probably wondering (groan) why I’m moaning and groaning so much. Well, the reason is I’ve got a really bad toothache.

  ‘Hi, Andy,’ says Terry, prancing towards me with a couple of lambs by his side. ‘What a lovely day it is in our beautiful sunny meadow full of buttercups, butterflies and bluebirds!’

  ‘No, it’s not,’ I say. ‘It’s a terrible day! I’ve got the most aching toothache in the world!’

  Q What time do you go to the dentist?

  A Two-thirty.

  ‘Hey, that reminds me of a joke,’ says Terry. ‘What time did the boy go to the dentist?’

  ‘I don’t know and I don’t care!’ I say. ‘My tooth is hurting!’

  ‘That’s right,’ he says, laughing. ‘Two-thirty. Get it? Tooth-hurty. Just like you!’

  ‘Yes, I get it,’ I say.

  ‘Then why aren’t you laughing?’

  ‘Because my tooth is hurting too much! It’s hard to laugh when I’m in so much pain.’

  ‘That’s too bad,’ says Terry, ‘because I love jokes! I reckon we should write a whole book of them.’

  ‘I’d love to,’ I say, ‘but with this toothache I just don’t feel funny enough to write jokes. In fact, I’m not sure I even feel funny enough to write this book.’

  Q If life gets tough, what do you have that you can always count on?

  A Your fingers.

  ‘But we have to write this book,’ says Terry. ‘Otherwise, Mr Big Nose will get mad!’

  ‘I know,’ I say. ‘I just don’t know how we’re going to do it. This toothache is killing me.’

  ‘Hey, look up there in the sky!’ says Terry. ‘It’s a bird!’

  I look up to where Terry’s pointing. ‘I don’t think it’s a bird,’ I say. ‘That’s Superfinger.’

  ‘No, it’s not a bird or Superfinger,’ says Terry. ‘It’s a biplane! And it’s got a sign!’

  Q Why did the plane crash?

  A Because the pilot was a loaf of bread.

  ‘A joke-writing pencil, Andy!’ says Terry. ‘That’s exactly what we need! It could help us write jokes and it might even help us write our book even though you have a toothache. We should get one. Today!’

  ‘But where from?’ I say, just as a second biplane flies overhead.

  ‘From a Two-Dollar Shop, that’s where!’ says Terry. ‘And we’ve got a Two-Dollar Shop right here in our treehouse!’

  ‘You’re right,’ I say (moan). ‘But I’ve only got one dollar.’

  Q Is an old 100-dollar bill worth more than a new one?

  A Yes, it’s worth 99 more dollars.

  ‘Darn, I’ve only got one dollar as well,’ says Terry.

  ‘Hmmm ...’ I say.

  ‘Hmmm ...’

  ‘Hmmm ...’

  ‘Hmmm ...’

  ‘Hmmm ...’

  Q What did one maths book say to the other maths book?

  A ‘Do you want to hear my problems?’

  ‘I’ve got an idea!’ says Terry. ‘Why don’t we put our two one-dollar coins together and then we’ll have two dollars?!’

  ‘Would that even work?’ I say. ‘Is it even possible? Do the laws of mathematics even allow such a thing?’

  ‘I think they do,’
says Terry. ‘But there’s only one way to find out for sure. Let’s go to the Two-Dollar Shop and see if Pinchy McPhee will let us buy a two-dollar Joke Writer 2000™ with our two one-dollar coins!’

  ‘I didn’t know our sunny meadow had a video phone,’ says Terry.

  ‘Of course it does,’ I say. ‘Most meadows do these days.’

  ‘I hope it’s not Mr Big Nose,’ says Terry.

  ‘I’m afraid it might be,’ I say.

  ‘I’m afraid, too,’ says Terry.

  Q What demands an answer but asks no question?

  A A telephone.

  I answer the phone. ‘Hello (moan), Mr Big Nose,’ I groan.

  ‘What’s with all the moaning and groaning?!’ shouts Mr Big Nose, scaring a flock of butterflies fluttering close to the screen. ‘I don’t have time to listen to moaning and groaning! I’m a busy man, you know!’

  ‘I know,’ I say, ‘but my tooth—’

  ‘I don’t have time for explanations,’ interrupts Mr Big Nose. ‘And neither do you. Your book is due today. It had better be on my desk by two-thirty, or else!’

  ‘Well, we’re running a bit behind,’ I say, ‘because of my toothache, but we’ve got a good idea to put lots of jokes in—’

  Mr Big Nose interrupts me again. ‘How about this for a joke?’ he says. ‘What’s big and red and gets bigger and redder the angrier it gets and then explodes if a certain writer and illustrator don’t get their book to me by the deadline, which, just in case you’ve forgotten, is 2.30 p.m. today?’

  Q What’s big and red and eats rocks?

  A A big red rock-eater.

  ‘Um, beats me,’ says Terry.

  ‘Me too,’ I say. ‘We give up.’

  ‘MY NOSE!’ shouts Mr Big Nose. ‘THAT’S WHAT! SO YOU’D BETTER GET IT DONE BY TWO-THIRTY TODAY, OR ELSE!’

  ‘Yes, Mr Big Nose,’ I say, but he’s already gone.

  ‘I didn’t think that was a very funny joke,’ says Terry.

  ‘No, I think it was more of a threat than a joke,’ I say. ‘We’d better get to the Two-Dollar Shop and buy a Joke Writer 2000™ fast!’

  Q What’s big and red and eats big red rock-eaters?

  A A big red big red rock-eater.

  ‘Let’s take our jet-propelled swivel chairs,’ says Terry. ‘It’s quite a long way up.’

  Terry whistles and the chairs appear instantly.

  We jump on.

  ‘To the Two-Dollar Shop!’ yells Terry, as we take off at jet-propelled, supersonic swivel chair speed.

  Q What rocks but does not roll?

  A A rocking chair.

  CHAPTER 3

  PENS, PENCILS AND WRITING UTENSILS

  We arrive at the Two-Dollar Shop. Pinchy McPhee is out the front, waving his claws around and singing at the top of his voice.

  Grand Sale! Grand Sale!

  I’m having a great grand sale!

  All items in my Two-Dollar Shop

  Are priced at just TWO DOLLARS a pop!

  Not one, not three

  Not five: just TWO!

  Just TWO dollars!

  It’s amazing—but true!

  So—

  ‘Excuse me, Pinchy,’ I say quickly (before he can start a third verse), ‘but isn’t everything in the Two-Dollar Shop always only two dollars?’

  ‘Of course,’ says Pinchy. ‘But today is a grand sale so two dollars is an extra-special price!’

  Q What did the bird say at the sale?

  A Cheap! Cheap!

  Terry frowns. ‘But if everything is normally two dollars and your sale price is two dollars, how is today different from any other day?’

  ‘Because any other day is not a grand sale and today is!’ says Pinchy, getting slightly crabby and waving his claws dangerously close to us.

  We nod and step into the shop before he can get any crabbier.

  ‘Wow!’ says Terry. ‘This shop has everything! Check it out!’

  Q What do you call a sheep without legs?

  A A cloud.

  ‘Hey, look at this electric banana,’ says Terry. ‘It’s only two dollars!’

  ‘And this giant glow-in-the-dark marshmallow is bigger than my head,’ he says. ‘And it’s only two dollars, too!’

  Q What’s yellow and smells like bananas?

  A Monkey vomit.

  ‘And check out this model of our treehouse!’ says Terry. ‘We could buy it and have a treehouse in our treehouse!’

  ‘And there’s also a model of the model of the treehouse!’ he says. ‘We could have a treehouse in our treehouse in our treehouse!’

  ‘Oh, wow!’ says Terry, picking up a golden toilet seat. ‘Here’s that solid gold toilet seat we’ve always wanted—and it’s only two dollars as well! Can we get it, Andy? Please, please, please, please, please, please? A solid gold toilet seat would solve all our problems!’

  ‘No, it wouldn’t,’ I say. ‘We came to buy a Joke Writer 2000™ and that’s what we’re going to do. That is going to solve all our problems.’

  Q Why did Tigger go to the bathroom?

  A He was looking for his friend, Pooh.

  ‘Oh, yeah, I forgot,’ says Terry, turning to Pinchy. ‘Excuse me, Pinchy, do you sell pencils?’

  ‘Of course I do,’ says Pinchy. He takes a deep breath and starts singing.

  I have pens and pencils and writing utensils

  Of all sorts right here in my store:

  I have dip pens and gel pens and ballpoints and biros

  And textas and markers galore!

  I have a pen you can use as a lipstick,

  And a pen that can write under water,

  And a pen for writing excuses,

  In case you haven’t done something you oughta.

  I have a pen that can write upside down

  Like the astronauts took into space,

  And a pen you can use to write notes on your hand.

  Or—if you prefer—on your face.

  Q Where do astronauts park their spaceships?

  A Parking meteors.

  And here is a pen,

  My pen-loving friends,

  That comes with a little night-light.

  You can write in the night

  For as long as you like

  Because the little night-light is quite bright!

  And here is a pen

  With a fan on the end—

  You can use it to write when it’s hot.

  And it also comes with a heater attached

  So you can write whether it’s hot or it’s not.

  Q What did one pencil say to the other pencil?

  A ‘You’re looking sharp!’.

  I have a pen that writes with invisible ink,

  That’s particularly good for spies,

  And a pen that always tells the truth

  And one that will only write lies.

  I have a pen that changes into a car,

  And one that turns into a jet.

  And a pen with fur and ears and a tail—

  It’s the next best thing to a pet!

  So, as you can see, I have all you could need,

  And no pen is priced over two dollars.

  I have bargains galore in my two-dollar store

  For authors, illustrators and scholars!

  ‘So, what will it be?’ says Pinchy. ‘What type of pen or pencil would you like?’

  ‘A Joke Writer 2000™, please,’ I say.

  Q What did the pen say to the pencil?

  A ‘So, what’s your point?’

  ‘I’m afraid I’m clean out of them,’ says Pinchy. ‘They’ve been very popular this morning, thanks to my biplane advertising campaign. But, not to worry, I have lots of other wonderful pens and pencils.’

  He takes a deep breath.

  ‘Uh-oh,’ whispers Terry. ‘I think he’s going to sing again.’

  ‘No, it’s okay, Pinchy,’ I say quickly. ‘We really just want a Joke Writer 2000TM.’

  ‘I guess you could try Fancy Fish�
��s Two-Million-Dollar Shop,’ says Pinchy. ‘He might have one.’

  ‘Thanks, Pinchy!’ says Terry. ‘We’ll go there right now.’

  We fly to the Two-Million-Dollar Shop as fast as we can without stopping.

  Q What’s a plumber’s favourite song?

  A Singing in the Drain.

  The Two-Million-Dollar Shop is much better than the Two-Dollar Shop, but, of course, all the stuff is a lot more expensive.

  ‘Wow!’ says Terry. ‘This shop has everything! Check it out!’

  Q Why do birds fly south?

  A Because it’s too far to walk.

  ‘Greetings, my good fellows,’ says Fancy Fish. ‘Welcome to my two-million-dollar emporium. How may I be of service?’

  ‘We’d like to buy a Joke Writer 2000™, please,’ I say.