What Bumosaur is That? Read online

Poopasaur

  The Poopasaur had brown skin, an enormarse mouth, small black eyes, sharp teeth, very bad breath and an even worse temper. It was well camouflaged for life in the swamps and primeval bumnut-tree forests and was prone to hiding in the undergrowth and then jumping out unexpectedly to catch its prey, which it would swallow in one gulp.

  Unfortunately, its enormarse mouth was much bigger than its stomach and the Poopasaur would often overeat until it exploded.

  The deadly brown clouds caused by these explosions—known as ‘brown-outs’—made it impossible for other bumosaurs to see or breathe, and could last for several hours.

  VITAL STATISTICS

  Scientific name: Crocodilius crappius

  Family: Craposaur

  Diet: Omnivorarse

  Time: Messozoic 250–65 mya

  Stink rating:

  Toiletrollasaurus

  The Toiletrollasaurus appeared in a dazzling variety of colours, patterns and textures. Also known as the ‘Bogrollasaurus’ in Australia, the various sub-species differed immensely in size, weight, tear-ability, softness, ‘finger-breakthrough’ resistance and degrees of absorption.

  Despite these differences, they shared one common feature: a permanent expression of terror due to the fact that they were preyed upon by almost every other type of bumosaur. The Toiletrollasaurus was widely hunted because it was prized for its long, soft, absorbent tail. It is thought that the perforations on the Toiletrollasaurus’s tail bumvolved as a defence against its many predators. Like some species of modern-day lizard, if caught by the tail it could lose a section and then regrow it.

  VITAL STATISTICS

  Scientific name: Papyrus posteri

  Family: Wipeosaur

  Diet: Herbivorarse

  Time: Poomian 295–250 mya

  Stink rating:

  Badlydrawn bumosaurus

  The most badly drawn of all the bumosaurs, Badlydrawn bumosaurus was the laughing stock of the bumosaur world. It was even looked down upon by the Bum-headed idiotasaurus which, although no pin-up itself, was drawn with at least a modicum of talent.

  As a result of its low status, the Badlydrawn bumosaurus preferred to spend most of its time alone, feeding on badlydrawn plants and drinking badlydrawn water from a badlydrawn lake next to a badlydrawn bumcano under a badlydrawn sun.

  Though not attractive, it thrived throughout the age of the bumosaurs and can still be seen today in the work of schoolchildren all over the world (see inset).

  VITAL STATISTICS

  Scientific name: Craperi magnificus

  Family: Freakabutt

  Diet: Badlydrawn plants

  Time: Triarssic 250–203 mya

  Stink rating:

  Bum-headed idiotasaurus

  Consisting of one large bum with a smaller bum-head atop a long, slug-like neck, the Bum-headed idiotasaurus was idiotic in both appearance and behaviour.

  Like most idiots, it spent its time doing idiotic and dangerous things, such as swimming in quicksand-like bum-bogs, playing on the edges of active bumcanoes and running across busy roads without looking.

  Not surprisingly, perhaps, bumosaurologists have found a number of fossil graveyards in which groups of Bum-headed idiotasauruses appear to have died and been buried together.

  VITAL STATISTICS

  Scientific name: Dumbumius minor

  Family: Stupidosaur

  Diet: Herbivorarse

  Time: Triarssic, Jurarssic, Crapaceous 250–65 mya

  Stink rating:

  Very rare long-necked long-legged short-tailed stupid-looking tiny bum-headed droopy-eyed idiotasaurus

  The Very rare long-necked long-legged short-tailed stupid-looking tiny bum-headed droopy-eyed idiotasaurus was very rare due to the fact that it was too stupid to eat, drink, find shelter or even mate. If it did manage to reproduce, it was usually by accident.

  In fact, the only interesting fact about the Very rare long-necked long-legged short-tailed stupid-looking tiny bum-headed droopy-eyed idiotasaurus is that it had the longest and stupidest-sounding name of all the bumosaurs.

  VITAL STATISTICS

  Scientific name: Dumbumius major

  Family: Stupidosaur

  Diet: Too dumb to eat

  Time: Triarssic 250–203 mya

  Stink rating:

  Bum-eyed bumosaurus

  Five eyes, six legs and twelve bum cheeks made the Bum-eyed bumosaurus one of the more bizarre and dangerous bumosaurs.

  It could see in five directions at the same time and its six legs allowed it to cover vast distances very quickly. Its multiple cheeks also allowed it to produce five times as much gas as other similar-sized bumosaurs. It used this gas to stun its victims before eating them.

  So the Bum-eyed bumosaurus was an excellent hunter and well protected from attack by other predators. In fact, the only creature the Bum-eyed bumosaurus had to fear was itself as it was very easy for a Bum-eyed bumosaurus to get its five necks in a knot and accidentally strangle itself to death.

  VITAL STATISTICS

  Scientific name: Stupido stupendius

  Family: Freakabutt

  Diet: Carnivorarse

  Time: Triarssic 250–203 mya

  Stink rating:

  Bumontopimus

  Bumontopimus spent most of its time stumbling around holding its ‘head’ trying to think of what to do next. This, of course, was impossible because its ‘head’ was in fact a bum and as such it had no brain. The lack of a brain meant that it also had no memory, thus it often forgot that it had no brain, which is why it continued to spend so much of its time holding its ‘head’ and trying to think.

  The sheer stupidity of the Bumontopimus made it an obvious target for any bumosaur looking for an easy meal and thus the species sadly became exstinkt quite soon after it first appeared. Not that it really mattered—Bumontopimuses were too stupid to know that they had even existed in the first place.

  VITAL STATISTICS

  Scientific name: Butterius cranium

  Family: Stupidosaur

  Diet: Can’t remember to eat

  Time: Triarssic 250–203 mya

  Stink rating:

  Diapersaurus

  Coming in two main species, Cloth and Disposable, the small, highly intelligent Diapersaurus would attach itself to a new-born bumosaur of another species. This arrangement was beneficial to both parties. The Diapersaurus was provided with nourishment and protection from other large bumosaurs, and the young bumosaur was protected from the harsh conditions of the prehistoric bumosaur world.

  These relationships were usually short-term, however, as the baby bumosaur would eventually outgrow the Diapersaurus and shed it, much like a snake sheds its skin. If it belonged to the Cloth species, the Diapersaurus would then move on and find a new host. If it belonged to the Disposable species, the Diapersaurus would die as soon as it was discarded.

  VITAL STATISTICS

  Scientific name: Pantus putridi

  Family: Stinkosaur

  Diet: Pooivorarse

  Time: Triarssic 250–203 mya

  Stink rating:

  Diarrhoeasaurus

  Extremely unpleasant in both appearance and odour, the Diarrhoeasaurus also had one of the most unpleasant life cycles of all bumosaurs.

  Due to its runny consistency, Diarrhoeasaurus was unable to pick itself up off the ground and seek shelter from the hot Triarssic sun. This meant that it was usually baked hard within hours of being born and mistaken for a crunchy snack by an unsuspecting bumosaur. After eating the toxic Diarrhoeasaurus this bumosaur would suffer horrible stomach pains, increased gas and terrible diarrhoea. Soon after, the Diarrhoeasaurus would soon be expelled from the sick bumosaur’s body and deposited on the ground in its liquid form once more—ready to start its life cycle over again.

  VITAL STATISTICS

  Scientific name: Puddle detestabilis

  Family: Craposaur

  Diet: Unknown

  Time: Triarssic 250–203 mya<
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  Stink rating:

  Itchybumosaurus

  The Itchybumosaurus spent most of its time hopping around scratching itself.

  It was covered in dry, chafed skin and often scratched itself so much that it scratched through its skin to the flesh below, leaving itself open to all manner of disgusting prehistoric bum infections. However, the dry skin that flaked off and fell to the ground was a rich source of nutrients for smaller bumosaurs, such as the Diapersaurus.

  It was long thought that the only relief from itching for the Itchybumosaurus was death; however, there are many accounts from bumosaur museum curators of reconstructed Itchybumosaurus bones attempting to scratch themselves.

  VITAL STATISTICS

  Scientific name: Itchi itchisori

  Family: Horribilosaur

  Diet: Too busy scratching to eat

  Time: Triarssic 250–203 mya

  Stink rating:

  Frill-necked cyclopootops

  Named after Cyclops, the legendary one-eyed giant, the Frill-necked cyclopootops was the most glamorous member of the bumosaur family. Its huge neck frill was both a defence mechanism—making it appear larger than it actually was—and a prehistoric fashion statement.

  With its long curling eyelashes, rounded cheeks and painted toenails, the Frill-necked cyclopootops had a sense of beauty and style way ahead of its time.

  Although it died out with the rest of the bumosaurs at the end of the Crapaceous period, the Frill-necked cyclopootops nevertheless has been admired and worshipped by many religions and cults throughout the last 65 million years.

  VITAL STATISTICS

  Scientific name: Cyclopius amazingus

  Family: Freakabutt

  Diet: Fashion magazines

  Time: Jurarssic, Crapaceous 203–65 mya

  Stink rating:

  Skullbuttosaurus

  The Skullbuttosaurus was a nocturnal bumosaur and when it wasn’t engaged in violent skull-butting contests with rival Skullbuttosauruses, it could usually be found stalking the bumtree forests at night and using its alarming appearance to scare its prey to death. At the approach of a Skullbuttosaurus, other bumosaurs would spontaneously evacuate themselves or simply drop dead with fright.

  Even gigantosaurs, such as the Bigarseosaurus and the Gigantarsesaurus, were scared of the Skullbuttosaurus. As a consequence, the Skullbuttosaurus always had an abundant food supply and became very widespread by the end of the Crapaceous period.

  VITAL STATISTICS

  Scientific name: Cranium enormi

  Family: Horribilosaur

  Diet: Carnivorarse

  Time: Jurarssic, Crapaceous 203–65 mya

  Stink rating:

  Sparebumosaurus

  A passive and comparatively peaceful bumosaur, the Sparebumosaurus gets its name from the row of miniature bums sticking up from its neck, back and tail. It is thought that these bums allowed the Sparebumosaurus to replace itself in the event of a fatal accident or attack.

  If a Sparebumosaurus was killed then any of the undamaged ‘spare’ bums could detach themselves and grow to become exact, fully formed replicas of the dead Sparebumosaurus. If any of these new Sparebumosauruses were killed too, then their spare bums could grow into perfect replicas and so on, effectively making the Sparebumosaurus virtually indestructible.

  VITAL STATISTICS

  Scientific name: Replicus arsius

  Family: Stenchosaur

  Diet: Herbivorarse

  Time: Jurarssic, Crapaceous 203–65 mya

  Stink rating:

  Stink Kong

  This huge, gorilla-like bumosaur was covered in fur except for two bare patches on the front of each of its cheeks. These were caused by its habit of pounding on itself with its fists to produce a terrifying booming sound. This pounding also served to activate its numerous stench glands to produce a terrifying stink, hence its name.

  Though resembling a gorilla in appearance, Stink Kong had little else in common with modern herbivorarse, herd-dwelling apes. Stink Kong was a clumsy, stupid, aggressive loner who liked nothing better than to get involved in violent brawls with any bumosaur willing to take it on. It and the Great white bumosaurus were natural enemies and often engaged in ferocious battles that lasted for many hours.

  VITAL STATISTICS

  Scientific name: Fragrantus regis

  Family: Stinkosaur

  Diet: Omnivorarse

  Time: Jurarssic, Crapaceous 203–65 mya

  Stink rating:

  Toiletbrushasaurus

  The Toiletbrushasaurus was the toilet cleaner of the prehistoric bumosaur world. Not that ‘toilets’ actually existed at the time—which is exactly why the Toiletbrushasaurus played such a vital role in prehistoric Earth’s ecology.

  Always in a hurry, the Toiletbrushasaurus moved quickly. As it did so, its many strong bristly legs swept, cleaned and cleared the ground so that the rest of the bumosaurs actually had somewhere to walk instead of having to slosh around in their own…well, let’s just say that the average bumosaur produced up to 20 kilograms of it a day…and there were a lot of bumosaurs…which is probably why the Toiletbrushasaurus was always in such a hurry.

  VITAL STATISTICS

  Scientific name: Bristilus lavatorum

  Family: Eeeuuw!osaur

  Diet: Pooivorarse

  Time: Messozoic 250-65 mya

  Stink rating:

  Tricerabutt

  The Tricerabutt was a triple-cheeked bumosaur with bony armour plating and tusk-like wart-horns growing out of each of its cheeks.

  Tricerabutts tended to form gangs of three, which would then spend most of their time running around looking for other gangs of Tricerabutts to attack and stab with their horns. Drive-by hornings were common, despite the fact that cars were not to be invented for at least another 65 million years.

  The Tricerabutt was not overly bright. Fossilised Tricerabutt bones show that many Tricerabutts died after running into trees, getting their horns stuck and not being able to get them out again.

  VITAL STATISTICS

  Scientific name: Tricerabuttius

  Family: Stupidosaur

  Diet: Herbivorarse

  Time: Jurarssic 203–135 mya

  Stink rating:

  Tyrannosore-arse rex

  There were few bumosaurs with a worse temper than the Tyrannosore-arse rex. Driven into wild rages by the pain in its gigantic aching cheeks, it would rampage through the prehistoric forest, leaving hundreds of other bumosaurs either gassed, brown-blobbified or completely flattened.

  The funny thing—or not so funny if you happened to be a Tyrannosore-arse rex—was that these rampages only served to make it even sorer—and angrier—than before.

  Some experts blame the Tyrannosore-arse rex and its destructive rages for the exstinktion of many species of small bumosaurs. Others just feel sorry for it. Only one thing is known for sure: Tyrannosore-arse rex had a really sore arse.

  VITAL STATISTICS

  Scientific name: Soreius cheekius

  Family: Terribilosaur

  Diet: Omnivorarse

  Time: Jurarssic 203–135 mya

  Stink rating:

  Bigarseosaurus

  The Bigarseosaurus was so named because of its incredibly big rear end. It was so big that every time Bigarseosaurus sat down it killed at least five other smaller bumosaurs. Despite this, it was a gentle but clumsy giant that lived on the juicy leaves and bumnuts from the tops of bumnut trees.

  The rear end of the Bigarseosaurus continued to expand to increasingly alarming proportions throughout the Crapaceous period, and some bumosaurologists believe that the exstinktion of the bumosaurs was due to the Bigarseosauruses’ big arses becoming so big that they blotted out the sun and plunged the Earth into an extended big-arsed induced winter.

  VITAL STATISTICS

  Scientific name: Superio humungarse

  Family: Gigantosaur

  Diet: Herbivorarse

  Time: Crapaceous 135–65
mya

  Stink rating:

  Gigantarsesaurus

  The largest of all of the bumosaurs, the Gigantarsesaurus was only on Earth for a comparatively brief time.

  The creature was so heavy that when it walked it created giant cracks in the ground into which it would often fall.

  The stupid little arms and feeble little legs of the Gigantarsesaurus were of no use for climbing so any that fell would then perish in these self-created ‘cracks of doom’.

  VITAL STATISTICS

  Scientific name: Superius gigantus

  Family: Gigantosaur

  Diet: Omnivorarse

  Time: Crapaceous 135–65 mya

  Stink rating:

  Great white bumosaurus

  The Great white bumosaurus appeared on Earth towards the late Crapaceous era. One of the truly gigantic bumosaurs, its most distinctive feature was its blindingly white skin. It is thought that this bioluminescence gave it a great advantage when fighting, as its incredible brightness could temporarily blind an opponent.

  Some believe that the expression ‘he/she thinks that the sun shines out of his/her behind’ dates from the time that bumosaurologists first discovered fossil evidence of the Great white bumosaurus.

  The Great white bumosaurus was also well known for its habit of dumping gigantic brown blobs on top of its enemies.

  VITAL STATISTICS

  Scientific name: Maximus albinus

  Family: Disgustosaur