What Bumosaur is That? Read online

  VITAL STATISTICS

  Scientific name: Halitosis horrendous

  Family: Stenchafish

  Diet: Herbivorarse

  Time: Sewerian 435–410 mya

  Stink rating:

  Stinkleosteus

  Stinkleosteus was enormarse, and one of the first armoured bumfish to bumvolve. Its bony plating protected it from the powerful pincers of such predators as the Sea scorpibum, and also shielded it against the withering effects of the Bumray’s lethally smelly breath. Its third eye proved to be of great benefit in spotting—and thus avoiding—the deadly brown blobs fired by the Brown-blobpedo fish.

  An undisputed ruler of the oceans, the enormarse, heavily armoured Stinkleosteus thrived throughout the Sewerian period.

  VITAL STATISTICS

  Scientific name: Stinki indestructiblus

  Family: Squisherfish

  Diet: Omnivorarse

  Time: Sewerian 435–410 mya

  Stink rating:

  Bum-head shark

  A close relative of the better known—and still existing—Hammer-head shark, the Bum-head shark suffered from very low self-esteem due to the fact that everyone called it a bum-head. Which was true, but nevertheless very hurtful. For instance, how would you like it if everybody called you a bum-head? It would be hurtful enough even if you didn’t have a bum-head … but imagine how much more it would hurt if you did.

  It was perhaps the hurtful nature of this taunt that accounted for the extraordinary frequency and severity of Bum-head shark attacks during the Carbumiferous period.

  So the Bum-head shark teaches us an important lesson: be kind to others … even if they act like bum-heads, and especially if they do have a bum-shaped head.

  VITAL STATISTICS

  Scientific name: Bum-headius maximus

  Family: Bumshark

  Diet: Carnivorarse

  Time: Carbumiferous 355–295 mya

  Stink rating:

  Deep-sea bum-dangler

  The Deep-sea bum-dangler got its name from the bioluminescent bum that dangled from its dorsal spine. Millions of light-producing bumteria caused this false bum to glow a blue-green colour. These colourful lures came in a variety of styles and no two were the same. Some had flashing pimples; others had warts capable of impressive strobe-lighting effects.

  The Deep-sea bum-dangler used its false bum to attract prey. It would wiggle the false bum in front of its large, fang-packed mouth. Then, when its fascinated, almost hypnotised, prey moved close enough the Deep-sea bum-dangler would flick its dangling bum out of the way and snap up the prey in its powerful jaws.

  VITAL STATISTICS

  Scientific name: Dangleri prosthetica

  Family: Freakafish

  Diet: Bumfishivorarse

  Time: Carbumiferous 355–295 mya

  Stink rating:

  Bumolution: how life bumvolved

  Life on Earth began with bumteria that appeared in the oceans 600 million years ago. Over time, these bumteria bumvolved into more complex forms of bum life until eventually giving rise to the group of stenchtiles we know as the bumosaurs. The exstinktion of the bumosaurs around 65 million years ago allowed a new species of bum life called bummals to bumvolve, eventually leading to the emergence of the earliest bum-men.

  Bumphibians

  & Stenchtiles

  Around 400 million years ago, using their fins as primitive limbs, some of the more adventurous bumfish crawled onto land to take up residence in the abundant swamps and bogs of the Crapozoic era. The descendants of these brave pooineers bumvolved into the first bumphibians and stenchtiles.

  BUMSKIPPER

  BOGASAURUS

  BUMETRODON

  POOPIGATOR

  SCATOSAURUS

  TURDLE

  BUMACONSTRICTOR

  Bumskipper

  The Bumskipper was one of the first true bumphibians, able to live both in and out of the water. On land the Bumskipper moved along the bog shores by ‘skipping’ on its bum-shaped fins.

  Living on land gave the Bumskipper tremendous advantages, the most important of which was the ability to release gas in private without the embarrassing telltale bubbles that accompany it in water. Of course, releasing gas above water meant the noises that often accompany the action could be heard clearly for the first time. These noises, however, were deemed so amusing that the Bumskipper was happy to give up its recently won privacy, and rapidly developed the full range of expressive sound effects that bums still employ—and enjoy so much—today.

  VITAL STATISTICS

  Scientific name: Tetratis poddus

  Family: Stinkophibian

  Diet: Herbivorarse

  Time: Debumian 410–355 mya

  Stink rating:

  Bogasaurus

  The Bogasaurus, as its name suggests, was generally found in a bog. These huge, brown, particularly foul-smelling bogs were created by the male Bogasaurus in order to attract a female, known as a Bogasauress.

  Young male Bogasauruses would regularly attempt to take up residence in an older male’s bog, which would result in an enormarse bogfight. These bogfights could extend far beyond the bog in dispute and ended only with the death of one—or often both—Bogasauruses.

  Meanwhile, their vacated bogs provided living space and nourishment for the rapidly increasing bumphibian and stenchtile populations.

  VITAL STATISTICS

  Scientific name: Bogassius bogi

  Family: Crapophibian

  Diet: Bogivorarse

  Time: Carbumiferous 355–295 mya

  Stink rating:

  Bumetrodon

  Bumetrodon featured a bum-shaped ‘sail’ rising from its back. This sail was made up of ten hollow spines covered in thick pink skin.

  There is much speculation about the purpose of this sail. Some bumosaurologists think that the hollow spines served as ‘chimneys’, which helped to release the excess gases caused by the Bumetrodon’s exclusive diet of stinkants.

  Other bumosaurologists believe that the Bumetrodon’s sail was intended to make its bum appear much bigger than it actually was in order to scare away predators.

  VITAL STATISTICS

  Scientific name: Buttus sailius

  Family: Stinkotile

  Diet: Stinkantivorarse

  Time: Poomian 295–250 mya

  Stink rating:

  Poopigator

  The Poopigator bore a strong resemblance to the modern alligator, only it was much bigger, much browner and much, much smellier. While its appearance was quite threatening, the Poopigator’s breath was far worse than its bite. Nevertheless, its bite was still quite bad.

  The Poopigator consumed large prey by dragging it into a bog and then spinning or convulsing wildly until bite-size pieces were torn off. This is referred to as the ‘deathbog roll’—not to be confused with ‘bog roll’, which is Australian slang for toilet paper.

  VITAL STATISTICS

  Scientific name: Poopius gatori

  Family: Crapotile

  Diet: Omnivorarse

  Time: Poomian 295–250 mya

  Stink rating:

  Scatosaurus

  Scatosaurus was one of the earliest stenchtiles to appear on Earth. These large lizard-like creatures had tough, scaly skins that stopped their cheeks from drying out and were therefore able to live exclusively on land.

  Stenchtiles were so named because their diet consisted mainly of bog, which gave them their distinctive—and very strong—‘stench’.

  Scatosaurus made the most of this feature by using its stench as a means of defence. If threatened, it would inflate its expandable cheek sacs to ten times their normal size and then release an overpowering cloud of foul-smelling odour.

  These cheek displays also may have been used by males in courting rituals, the odour in this case serving as a primitive perfume irresistible to the female Scatosaurus.

  VITAL STATISTICS

  Scientific name: Scatius maximius

  Family: S
tinkotile

  Diet: Bogivorarse

  Time: Poomian 295–250 mya

  Stink rating:

  Turdle

  The Turdle was the slowest and most timid of all stenchtiles and is thought to be a predecessor of modern tortoises and turtles as it has features in common with both species.

  At the first sign of danger the Turdle would pull in its arms, legs, neck and head so it would appear to be just a piece of poo, virtually indistinguishable from all the other millions of pieces of poo on the ground … or were they other Turdles engaged in a similar defence strategy?

  This form of camouflage was so successful that often a Turdle would not be able to tell the difference between a piece of poo and a fellow member of its own species. As a result Turdles would often make the tragic mistake of selecting a poo rather than a Turdle as a lifetime partner.

  VITAL STATISTICS

  Scientific name: Turdi domesticus

  Family: Turdotile

  Diet: Herbivorarse

  Time: Triarssic 250–203 mya

  Stink rating:

  Bumaconstrictor

  Easily the longest of all known stenchtiles, the Bumaconstrictor lived a dreary and unpleasant life dragging its super-stretched buttocks through the bog and dung that covered 99.99999 % of the Earth’s surface during the Messozoic era.

  A brutal hunter, the Bumaconstrictor liked to wrap its extraordinarily elongated cheeks around its victim and squeeze it to death before swallowing it whole.

  One of the Bumaconstrictor’s favourite foods was the Toiletbrushasaurus, and it was capable of devouring a complete herd of these hardworking creatures during a single hunt. Unfortunately, the Bumaconstrictor’s Toiletbrushasaurus-binges only served to worsen the condition of the prehistoric bumvironment and make things even more unpleasant for itself.

  VITAL STATISTICS

  Scientific name: Lengthius cheeki

  Family: Freakatile

  Diet: Toiletbrushasauruses

  Time: Messozoic 135–65 mya

  Stink rating:

  Prehistoric bum-plant life

  The first plants appeared in the abundant warm cracks and bogs of the Ordungocian period. By the end of the Debumian, plants were flourishing in almost every habitat on Earth and were every bit as rich, varied and smelly as the bum-related life forms that fed on them.

  Farthropods

  & Stinksects

  Hot on the heels of the bumphibians, sea-dwelling invertebutts rapidly bumvolved their own creeping, crawling, flying and farting armies to invade the land.

  BUMIPEDE

  BUMSLUG

  BUMSQUITO

  GIANT MUTANT BLOWFLY

  BUMANTULA

  GIANT PREHISTORIC STINKANT

  Bumipede

  An early relative of the millipede and centipede families, the Bumipede had two thousand legs and one thousand bums, which made it very slow and very smelly. However, it was a strong burrower and its thousand-bum power made it very good at converting bumganic matter into rich bumus (or humus), a medium vital to the growth of healthy plants. The speed at which the Bumipede did this ensured the continuance of the cycle of fertility and, by extension, all bumosaur and bum-related life on Earth.

  Unfortunately, the job of keeping its many bums clean was difficult for the Bumipede—its body was so long and so far behind that it was often in a different year, or in some extreme cases, a completely different century.

  VITAL STATISTICS

  Scientific name: Millibumus leggus

  Family: Nauseopod

  Diet: Dirtivorarse

  Time: Carbumiferous 355–295 mya

  Stink rating:

  Bumslug

  Truly deserving of its place in the Disgustapod family, the Bumslug did little but froth and burp and swear and gurgle and bubble and slime its way through the prehistoric landscape without so much as an ‘excuse me’ or a ‘thank you’. Now, to be fair, the bumosaur world was hardly a place for fancy manners but, even so, the Bumslug really was a shocker. If another bum creature was foolish enough to get between the Bumslug and a can of Bumslug Beer, it would simply unleash a torrent of slimy mucarse and drown the unfortunate animal.

  VITAL STATISTICS

  Scientific name: Frothus revolti

  Family: Disgustapod

  Diet: Bumslug Beerivorarse

  Time: Carbumiferous 355–295 mya

  Stink rating:

  Bumsquito

  The Bumsquito was similar to the modern mosquito, only much bigger, with many species growing to be the size of a light aircraft. Also unlike mosquitoes today, which will feed on any exposed part of a victim’s body, the Bumsquito would attack only the bum of its prey. And a Bumsquito bite did not just leave a small, itchy red bump on the victim’s skin either. In fact, a Bumsquito’s victim often didn’t have any skin left at all. Or flesh. Or blood. Or bones. Because the larger species of Bumsquito had the ability to suck its victim’s entire body up through its enormarse bumboscis.

  VITAL STATISTICS

  Scientific name: Bumboscius massiosius

  Family: Horribilosect

  Diet: Bum-bloodivorarse

  Time: Carbumiferous 355–295 mya

  Stink rating:

  Giant mutant blowfly

  While not technically a bumosaur itself, the Giant mutant blowfly was the constant companion of bumosaurs, thriving on both their waste products and their carcasses.

  One million times bigger than its modern counterpart, the Giant mutant blowfly was also one million times more annoying. It liked to spray large quantities of yellowy-green goo out of its bumboscis, suck the head off its prey and lay Giant mutant maggots in the unfortunate victim’s neck-hole.

  While able to adapt successfully to any place where bumosaurs lived, the Giant mutant maggot grew especially gigantic in enclosed environments, such as bumcanoes and underground caves (also known as maggotoriums).

  VITAL STATISTICS

  Scientific name: Mutatis blowflyus

  Family: Disgustosect

  Diet: Omnivorarse

  Time: Carbumiferous 355–295 mya

  Stink rating:

  Bumantula

  The Bumantula had an enormarse abdobum, eight beady brown eyes, two terrifying sharp fangs and eight powerful legs. The bum-web built by this prehistoric, spider-like Freakapod was made up of long brown strands of bum silk. These bum-webs were strong enough to catch large stinksects, as well as flying bumosaurs, such as Bumadactyls and Pteranobums.

  While the Bumantula remained largely unchanged for almost 200 million years, the species did not exist in large numbers due to the fact that most Bumantulas were scared of each other. And with good reason—attempts at mating often resulted in both Bumantulas crushing and stenching each other to death.

  VITAL STATISTICS

  Scientific name: Posterius terribulus

  Family: Freakapod

  Diet: Carnivorarse

  Time: Triarssic, Jurarssic, Crapaceous 250–65 mya

  Stink rating:

  Giant prehistoric stinkant

  The Giant prehistoric stinkant was a gigantic prehistoric ant with an equally gigantic prehistoric stink. It was generally bright red in colour, had vicious pincers and lived in colonies of up to 200,000.

  The Giant prehistoric stinkant was highly sought after as a food source by some bumosaurs because eating the ant would usually result in terrible flatulence and serious body odour, which helped to increase a bumosaur’s status in any herd’s gassing order.

  If squashed by a larger bumosaur, the Giant prehistoric stinkant produced huge quantities of a thick, greasy liquid called stinkant juice, which was excessively smelly. This juice was the exclusive diet of the Microbumosaurus, one of the smelliest of all bumosaurs.

  VITAL STATISTICS

  Scientific name: Stinkantius giganti

  Family: Rancidosect

  Diet: Carnivorarse

  Time: Triarssic, Jurarssic, Crapaceous 250–65 mya

  Stink rating:
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  How a bumosaur works

  From the outside, bumosaurs may have appeared to be little more than unpleasant loads of blubber, gas and brown blobs.

  The truth is, however, that they were highly complex loads of blubber, gas and brown blobs, as the following cutaway diagram clearly demonstrates.

  Bumosaurs

  The Messozoic era saw the rise of some of the most well known, most aggressive and most stupid members of the bumosaur family.

  POOPASAUR

  TOILETROLLASAURUS

  BADLYDRAWN BUMOSAURUS

  BUM-HEADED IDIOTASAURUS

  VERY RARE LONG-NECKED LONG-LEGGED SHORT-TAILED

  STUPID-LOOKING TINY BUM-HEADED DROOPY-EYED

  IDIOTASAURUS

  BUM-EYED BUMOSAURUS

  BUMONTOPIMUS

  DIAPERSAURUS

  DIARRHOEASAURUS

  ITCHYBUMOSAURUS

  FRILL-NECKED CYCLOPOOTOPS

  SKULLBUTTOSAURUS

  SPAREBUMOSAURUS

  STINK KONG

  TOILETBRUSHASAURUS

  TRICERABUTT

  TYRANNOSORE-ARSE REX

  BIGARSEOSAURUS

  GIGANTARSESAURUS

  GREAT WHITE BUMOSAURUS

  MICROBUMOSAURUS

  STENCHGANTORSAURUS