Just Macbeth Read online

  ANDY: Yes?

  DANNY: What is a thane?

  ANDY: Kind of like a prince. Except Scottish.

  DANNY: Wow! I’d give anything to be a kind of prince … and kind of Scottish.

  ANDY: But the point is, if they can’t get that right, then how can we trust them when they say that Macbeth is going to be King?

  [Lennox approaches them. He is a high-ranking thane who speaks in a very thick Scottish accent.]

  LENNOX: All hail, Macbeth! [hugs Andy] I bring great news! King Duncan has heard about your brave and fearless exploits on the battlefield today. [mimes the squirrel grip] Thanks to you we defeated the traitor and his army.

  ANDY: Thanks to me?

  LENNOX: Don’t be so modest, Macbeth! You know you are Scotland’s finest warrior!

  DANNY: [incredulous] Andy?

  ANDY: [aside to Danny] Macbeth, you idiot! My name is Macbeth! [to Lennox] Sorry, you were saying?

  LENNOX: As a reward for your efforts today, King Duncan has bid me to tell you that he’s made you the new Thane of Cawdor!

  ANDY: What about the old Thane of Cawdor?

  LENNOX: He’s been sentenced to death for treason.

  ANDY: [aside to Danny] Wow! Maybe those witches were right after all. Maybe I am going to be King.

  DANNY: [aside to Andy] Maybe so, but you’re not really Macbeth, remember?

  ANDY: [aside to Danny] So you keep reminding me, Danny, but everybody else here seems to think I am.

  DANNY: [aside to Andy] That doesn’t make it true!

  ANDY: [aside to Danny] You know what I think, Danny?

  DANNY: [aside to Andy] What?

  ANDY: [aside to Danny] I think you’re jealous.

  DANNY: [aside to Andy] As if!

  ANDY: [aside to Danny] You are.

  DANNY: [aside to Andy] I am not.

  ANDY: [aside to Danny] Are.

  DANNY: [aside to Andy] Am not.

  ANDY: [aside to Danny] Are.

  DANNY: [aside to Andy] Am not.

  ANDY: [aside to Danny] Are, are, are. A million times more than whatever you say.

  LENNOX: [aside to Danny] He’s got you there.

  DANNY: All right, I’ll admit I am a little bit jealous.

  ANDY: I don’t see why. Don’t forget, Danny, they said your children are going to be kings.

  DANNY: I don’t have any children.

  ANDY: No, but Banquo does. He has a son called … ?

  LENNOX: Fleance.

  DANNY: I have a son?

  ANDY: Yes!

  DANNY: But how?

  ANDY: [sighing] I’m not going to explain the facts of life to you again, Danny.

  DANNY: No, I don’t mean that. I mean how old is this son of mine?

  ANDY: Fourteen.

  DANNY: But I’m only twelve!

  ANDY: You must have started early …

  LENNOX: [slapping Danny on the back] Really early!

  DANNY: I don’t know about this. ’Tis strange: oftentimes to win us to our harm, the instruments of darkness tell us truths, win us with honest trifles, to betray us in deepest consequence.

  ANDY: I beg your pardon?

  DANNY: I have no idea what I just said. But I do know one thing; don’t mess with witches, Andy—they’re evil!

  ANDY: You are so jealous!

  DANNY: I am not! They could be trying to trick you into making you think that you’re going to become King so that you murder King Duncan in order to make it come true!

  ANDY: As if I’d do something as dumb as that! I thought you knew me better than that, Danny!

  DANNY: I know you better than you think!

  LENNOX: Oh, one more thing, Macbeth. King Duncan would like to stay at your place tonight, and have a victory feast.

  ANDY: What an honour!

  LENNOX: Aye! You’d probably better ride ahead, warn Lady Macbeth and get things ready.

  ANDY: Lady Macbeth?

  LENNOX: Yes, Lady Macbeth, your wife.

  ANDY: My wife?

  DANNY: [aside] Wife? Andy’s got a wife?

  LENNOX: Yes … she’ll be waiting for you at your castle.

  ANDY: My castle?

  DANNY: [aside] Andy’s got a wife AND a castle?

  LENNOX: Of course! Well, what are you waiting for?

  ANDY: Um, this might sound like a silly question, but where is my castle?

  LENNOX: [laughs] In faith, it is a very silly question! A very funny jest, my lord!

  ANDY: No, I’m not jesting. I don’t know where to go.

  LENNOX: [still laughing] Your horse will know the way.

  ANDY: My horse?

  LENNOX: [leading a horse to Andy] There you go. I wish you and your horse swift and sure of foot.

  ANDY: Thanks … [mounts horse and rides over to Danny] See you at the feast, Banquo.

  DANNY: What about me, Andy? And what about Lisa?

  ANDY: I’ll look for her as I ride.

  LENNOX: [confused] Who’s Andy? And who’s Lisa?

  ANDY: [aside to Danny] Don’t keep using our real names—he’ll get suspicious.

  [Lennox looks suspiciously at them.]

  DANNY: But your name is Andy!

  ANDY: It was. But for the moment, for reasons that are not entirely clear, apart from the fact that we drank that potion, I am the brave and fearless warrior Macbeth!

  DANNY: I didn’t know brave and fearless warriors wet their beds.

  ANDY: Danny! I’m warning you …

  DANNY: You mean Banquo.

  ANDY: Banquo, I’m warning you …

  [Andy rides off.]

  DANNY: [to himself] It’s not fair! He gets a wife, a castle, a horse and to be Thane of Cawdor. I don’t like this game anymore!

  LENNOX: [suspiciously] What game?

  DANNY: [surprised and a little nervous] Never mind.

  3

  Black and

  deep desires

  A room in Dunsinane, Macbeth’s castle.

  Andy enters. Lisa is already in the room.

  LISA: Andy!

  ANDY: Lisa!

  LISA: I’ve been looking everywhere for you!

  ANDY: I’ve been looking for you, too!

  LISA: Have you seen Danny?

  ANDY: Yes. I left him on the battlefield.

  LISA: Battlefield? What were you doing on a battlefield?

  ANDY: Um … er … fighting.

  LISA: [laughing] You? Fighting? But why?

  ANDY: I don’t really know. Since we drank that potion everything’s been very strange. Everybody seems to think I’m Macbeth.

  LISA: Macbeth? You’re Macbeth? But …

  ANDY: What?

  LISA: Everybody thinks I’m Lady Macbeth!

  ANDY: You’re Lady Macbeth? But if you’re Lady Macbeth that means …

  LISA: We’re …

  ANDY & LISA: Married!

  [Lisa freezes.]

  ANDY: Wow! I’m married. To Lisa! I’m married to the kindest, most beautiful, nicest, most loveliest girl in the whole world! It’s like a dream come true.

  [Lisa unfreezes and puts some marshmallows in a bowl.]

  LISA: I don’t know about this …

  ANDY: But I thought …

  LISA: What did you think?

  ANDY: I thought … that … well … you liked me.

  LISA: Like you, yes; I like you, but …

  ANDY: But what?

  LISA: But it doesn’t mean I want to marry you.

  ANDY: Why not?

  LISA: Well, you can be very immature sometimes.

  ANDY: No I’m not.

  LISA: Yes you are. Remember my birthday party? You stuffed nineteen marshmallows in your mouth and then spat them all out!

  ANDY: That wasn’t my fault! How was I to know I was going to sneeze?

  LISA: That’s not the point, Andy. The point is that you shouldn’t have put nineteen marshmallows in your mouth in the first place! That’s a very immature thing to do.

  ANDY: But Danny challenged me!
r />   LISA: That’s no excuse! What if Danny challenged you to jump off a cliff, would you do that?

  ANDY: It would depend.

  LISA: On what?

  ANDY: On whether he called me a chicken if I didn’t do it.

  LISA: That’s my point exactly! It’s time you started making your own decisions in life.

  ANDY: [nodding] You’re right. And I will. I’m a fearless warrior now … and a thane! I’ll make you proud to be my wife. [he reaches for a marshmallow] I’m never going to do anything immature ever again!

  [Lisa slaps his hand away from the bowl.]

  LISA: I wish I could believe you, Andy.

  [Andy reaches for the marshmallows but Lisa slaps his hand away again.]

  ANDY: It’s true! And on the way here I met some witches and not only did they predict that I’d be made Thane of Cawdor—which I was—but they said that one day I’m going to be King!

  [Andy reaches again for the marshmallows. Lisa slaps his hand away.]

  LISA: King? Did you say King?

  ANDY: Yes!

  LISA: But if you were King then … I … would be … Queen.

  ANDY: You’re already a queen in my eyes, Lisa.

  [Andy reaches for the marshmallows. Lisa slaps his hand away.]

  LISA: No, I mean a real queen. An actual queen. [She picks up the bowl of marshmallows and starts walking … Andy follows.] When is this supposed to happen?

  ANDY: They didn’t say … but right after they disappeared—oh, look over there—[When Lisa looks away Andy grabs a marshmallow but she looks back before he can eat it.] a messenger came and told me that King Duncan has already made me the Thane of Cawdor. And, also, he’s coming here tonight to celebrate!

  LISA: Tonight? King Duncan is coming here tonight?

  ANDY: Yes, tonight.

  [Andy tries to eat his marshmallow but Lisa, excited, grabs his arm and he is unable to put the marshmallow into his mouth.]

  LISA: Are you thinking what I’m thinking?

  ANDY: Yes, we should make this feast a good one! We’ll get Wizz Fizz, red lemonade and a karaoke machine.

  LISA: That’s not what I was thinking.

  ANDY: You don’t like karaoke?

  LISA: No, I love karaoke. But if we’re going to be King and Queen, Duncan has to go.

  [Andy has succeeded in getting the marshmallow into his mouth but is so stunned by Lisa’s declaration that he practically chokes on it.]

  ANDY: You don’t mean …

  LISA: Yes.

  ANDY: Murder him?

  LISA: Yes.

  ANDY: But why?

  LISA: Because as long as he lives, you can’t be King! Which means that I can’t be Queen.

  ANDY: But, murdering Duncan? That would be … well … murder!

  LISA: Well … I suppose that’s one way of looking at it.

  [Lisa puts the bowl of marshmallows back on the table. She takes some out, arranges them on a plate and begins putting toothpicks in them.]

  ANDY: But we can’t.

  LISA: Why not?

  ANDY: Well, we don’t have a good reason for a start.

  LISA: Yes we do.

  ANDY: No we don’t.

  LISA: Do you want to be King?

  ANDY: Yes, but …

  LISA: Then we have a good reason.

  ANDY: But …

  LISA: Listen to me, Andy! You can always find reasons not to murder somebody if you look hard enough!

  ANDY: Yes, but there’s no need to murder him: he might just die of natural causes.

  LISA: Maybe you’re right. Maybe you will become King without killing Duncan—but it might not be for a really long time. By the time it happens, you’ll be too old to enjoy being King. You’ll have all the Wizz Fizz you ever wanted and you’ll be like, ‘Oh … I’m so old … I can hardly eat one teaspoon of Wizz Fizz without choking to death.’ Is that what you want, Andy?

  ANDY: N-no …

  LISA: Then it’s settled! You can either die a horrible painful needless death choking on Wizz Fizz … or you can simply kill the King. Not exactly a hard decision, is it?

  ANDY: [frowning] No … [puts his hand on his chin in a thoughtful pose]

  I suppose not.

  [Andy freezes—right next to the table with the marshmallows.]

  LISA: I don’t know … he’s the Thane of Glamis all right … [she moves away from the table] and now he’s the Thane of Cawdor as well … and if the witches are right then maybe he will get to be the King … but I don’t know if Andy’s got what it takes to get Macbeth over the line here.

  [Andy unfreezes and puts a marshmallow in his mouth. Lisa looks around at him. He quickly freezes again in the same pose, his hand on his chin.]

  I mean,

  [Andy puts another marshmallow in his mouth …]

  I’m sure Andy would like to be the King,

  [and another…]

  but you don’t get to be King without treading on a few toes …

  [and another …]

  but Andy can’t do that.

  [and another …]

  Oh, he talks tough,

  [and another …]

  but you know what?

  [and another …]

  He’s a coward.

  [and another …]

  He once spent a whole day wondering whether to take a bandaid off his cheek because he was too scared that it might hurt.

  [and another …]

  He’s a wimp.

  [and another …]

  I would have just ripped it straight off.

  [and another …]

  The truth is that I should have been Macbeth,

  [and another …]

  but since I’m not,

  [and another …]

  he’s going to need my help.

  [Lisa kneels.]

  Come, you spirits that tend on mortal thoughts, unsex me here,

  [and another …]

  and fill me from the crown to the toe

  [and another …]

  top-full of direst cruelty.

  [and another …]

  Make thick my blood,

  [and another …]

  stop up the access and passage to remorse,

  [and another …]

  that no compunctious visitings of nature shake my fell purpose,

  [and another …]

  nor keep peace between the effect and it.

  [and another …]

  Come to my woman’s breasts

  [and another …]

  and take my milk for gall, you murd’ring ministers,

  [and another …]

  wherever in your sightless substances you wait on nature’s mischief.

  [and another …]

  Come, thick night,

  [and another …]

  and pall thee in the dunnest smoke of hell,

  [and another …]

  that my keen knife see not the wound it makes,

  [and another …]

  nor heaven peep through the blanket of the dark, to cry

  [and another …]

  ‘Hold,

  [Andy puts his hand over his mouth to hold the marshmallows in.]

  hold!’—

  [Someone knocks at the castle gates]

  The King is here!

  [Lisa jumps up and addresses Andy, whose cheeks look like they are about to explode.]

  Andy snap out of it! Your face, my thane, is as a book where men may read strange matters. To beguile the time, look like the time: bear welcome in your eye, your hand, your tongue.

  [Andy is desperately trying to hold the marshmallows in.]

  Look like the innocent flower, but be the serpent under it. King Duncan must be provided for, meanwhile put this night’s great business into my dispatch, which shall to all our nights and days to come give solely sovereign sway and masterdom.

  [Lisa goes to welcome their guests. Andy spits the marshmallows into the bowl. He sighs with relief.]

  ANDY: We will speak further.
/>   [King Duncan and Lennox enter. The King blows his own trumpet to herald his arrival.]

  DUNCAN: O worthiest cousin! The sin of my ingratitude even now was heavy on me. Thou art so far before that swiftest wing of recompense is slow to overtake thee. Would thou hadst less deserved that the proportion both of thanks and payment might have been mine. Only I have left to say, more is thy due than more than all can pay.

  ANDY: Are you saying you can’t pay me?

  DUNCAN: No, I’m merely saying that I owe you much more than I can possibly pay you. But I’m not saying that I can’t pay you, or, heaven forbid, that I won’t pay you. I just mean … let me see … how can I put this … Ah! Yes! I have begun to plant thee and will labour to make thee full of growing.