Just Macbeth Read online

  [Danny and Lisa freeze.]

  At last! My turn for a soliloquy! I love soliloquies! And when I say I love soliloquies, I don’t just mean I love soliloquies, I mean I REALLY love soliloquies! And when I say I REALLY love soliloquies, I don’t just mean I REALLY love soliloquies: I mean I REALLY, REALLY love soliloquies. And when I say I REALLY, REALLY love soliloquies …

  [Danny and Lisa unfreeze.]

  DANNY & LISA: Andy!

  ANDY: Hey, be quiet! I’m doing my soliloquy!

  LISA: You’re not doing a soliloquy, you’re just going on and on and on about nothing. Soliloquies are supposed to reveal what a character is really thinking!

  ANDY: I AM revealing what I’m really thinking. And when I say I’m revealing what I’m REALLY thinking, I don’t just mean I’m revealing what I’m REALLY thinking: I mean I’m revealing what I’m REALLY, REALLY—

  LISA: Andy! Get on with it!

  ANDY: Okay: I’ll get on with it. And when I say that I’ll get on with it, I don’t just mean I’ll—

  LISA: ANDY! Do your soliloquy properly!

  ANDY: Okay! But you have to freeze first.

  LISA & DANNY: Okay.

  [Lisa freezes perfectly, but Danny only pretends to freeze. Andy goes over to inspect him, walking all around him suspiciously. Danny starts to giggle.]

  ANDY: Danny! Freeze properly. Stop messing around!

  DANNY: Sorry, Andy.

  ANDY: Danny is driving me insane! Here I am, finally getting to work with Lisa Mackney, the most beautiful girl in the world. It’s the perfect chance for me to show her how smart and talented I am … and Danny’s wrecking it. Lisa and I are meant to be together. This could be the start of something fantastic. But not if Danny wrecks it by acting like an immature idiot. If only I could get rid of him … but unfortunately we need three witches. And he’s also doing the sound effects. [Andy clicks his fingers impatiently.] Sound effects, Danny! Track fifteen.

  [Lisa and Danny unfreeze. Danny picks up a CD player and a torch.]

  ANDY: [dramatically] We begin on a cold Scottish heath in the middle of a terrible thunderstorm …

  DANNY: Coming right up. [Danny hits play on the CD player but instead of thunder he gets screeching car tyres, then the sound of breaking glass.] Oops! Wrong track.

  ANDY: I’m sorry about this, Lisa. He’s still just a child, really.

  DANNY: I heard that!

  ANDY: Just do the sound effects!

  [Danny presses play on the CD player … but this time he gets a baby crying, a loud burp and an explosion.]

  DANNY: How cool is that?!

  ANDY: [not amused] Track fifteen!

  [Danny shrugs, gives up on the CD player and makes the thunder noise himself while holding up the torch and flicking it on and off for lightning.]

  DANNY: Not exactly Hollywood, but pretty dramatic!

  ANDY: Okay, that will do. Come and take your place.

  LISA: Let’s say the spell. Are you ready?

  [Andy and Danny nod and, all taking their copies of Macbeth, read and chant the spell.]

  ALL: Double, double, toil and trouble, fire burn, and cauldron bubble.

  [They wait … but nothing happens.]

  DANNY: It’s not bubbling!

  ANDY: Try some Wizz Fizz!

  DANNY: Okay, here goes.

  [Danny pours Wizz Fizz into the mixture, which bubbles up and spills onto the table.]

  ANDY: Not too much, Danny! It’s really strong stuff!

  DANNY: WOW! I didn’t know Wizz Fizz was so powerful! I thought it was just sugar.

  ANDY: A common misunderstanding, Danny. Wizz Fizz is actually one of the world’s great superfoods, and the sooner parents, teachers and health professionals realise this, the better off we’ll all be.

  [Enter Andy’s sister, Jen, and her two friends, who are both also called Jen.]

  JEN: Andy! What a mess!

  SECOND JEN: It’s horrible!

  THIRD JEN: And it stinks!

  JEN: And isn’t that Mum’s new food processor?

  ANDY: Yeah. So what?

  JEN: So what? She’s going to kill you! That’s what!

  ANDY: Mum would never kill me.

  JEN: What makes you so sure?

  ANDY: Because she loves me. She told me that … once.

  JEN: She doesn’t really love you. She only says she loves you. I heard her talking to Dad last night. She said that, actually, she can’t stand you.

  ANDY: She did not. She loves me … I think … Doesn’t she?

  JEN: Well, just hang around here and you’ll find out soon enough.

  ANDY: Thanks for sharing. Goodbye, now!

  SECOND JEN: Gee your brother is bossy.

  THIRD JEN: And he wets the bed.

  ANDY: That’s not true! There was a fire in a shopping centre and the firemen didn’t have enough hoses and I really needed to go to the toilet and so I … you know … helped them … and … I was a hero!

  JEN: It was a dream, Andy, remember?

  ANDY: Oh yeah. Can you go now? Or do I have to call the police?

  SECOND JEN: Don’t you mean the fire brigade?

  ANDY: JUST GO AWAY OR I’LL … OR I’LL … I’LL …

  JEN: All right, don’t wet your pants.

  THIRD JEN: If that’s possible.

  ANDY: Well, what are you waiting for?

  JEN: For you to say please.

  ANDY: Please.

  JEN: Pretty please.

  ANDY: Pretty please.

  JEN: With sugar on top?

  ANDY: With sugar on top.

  JEN: Okay. Let’s go, girls.

  [Jen and her friends leave.]

  ANDY: Right, now where were we?

  DANNY: We’d just made the potion. It looks cool. I dare you to drink some, Andy.

  ANDY: No way! That stuff could be poisonous!

  DANNY: But it’s magic. It could give us magical powers!

  ANDY: Well you drink it then!

  DANNY: You know what I think?

  ANDY: What?

  DANNY: I think you’re a chicken!

  ANDY: I am not.

  DANNY: Buk, buk, buckkaw! Buckkaw!

  ANDY: I’m not a chicken!

  DANNY: Buk! Buk! Buk!

  ANDY: Okay! I’ll drink it. But only if you do … or are you too chicken?

  DANNY: I’m not a chicken.

  LISA: What about me?

  ANDY: You’re a girl.

  LISA: Yeah, so what?

  ANDY: Well, girls don’t do stuff like this.

  LISA: Shows how much you know about girls.

  DANNY: Everybody ready?

  ANDY & LISA: Yes.

  ALL: Fair is foul and foul is fair!

  [They all put their straws into the food processor and drink.]

  ANDY: Wow … that’s not too bad!

  LISA: Mmmm! Lovely!

  DANNY: Zesty! I’ll have some more of that!

  LISA: Me too.

  ANDY: Me three!

  [They dip their straws in and drink again. They hear thunder.]

  ANDY: Hey, good sound effects, Danny!

  [A flash of lightning illuminates the room.]

  LISA: And great lightning!

  DANNY: Um, guys … that’s not me doing that.

  ANDY: It’s not?

  LISA: But if it’s not you, then who …?

  ALL: Aaaggghhhhh!

  2

  So Foul and

  Fair a day

  Andy and Danny, dazed and confused, awake to find themselves on a cold Scottish heath. There are dark storm clouds overhead.

  DANNY: Andy?

  ANDY: Yes?

  DANNY: What’s happening?

  ANDY: I don’t know.

  DANNY: Where are we?

  ANDY: I don’t know.

  DANNY: Do you think it’s got anything to do with drinking that potion?

  ANDY: I don’t know … maybe …

  [They hear the sounds of a battle raging.]

  DANNY: W
hat’s that noise?

  ANDY: What noise?

  DANNY: The one that sounds like clanking swords, horses and men yelling and screaming.

  ANDY: Now that I do know!

  DANNY: What?

  ANDY: It’s clanking swords, horses and men yelling and screaming.

  DANNY: I know that, but why?

  ANDY: Just a wild guess, but it sounds like a battle.

  DANNY: A battle?

  ANDY: Yes, a battle. That would explain it.

  ANDY & DANNY: AAAAGGGGHHHHH!

  [Two Scottish soldiers appear, too engrossed in their battle to notice Andy and Danny. As they fight they insult each other.]

  FIRST WARRIOR: Puking jolt-head!

  SECOND WARRIOR: Beef-witted slubgullion!

  DANNY: What do we do, Andy?

  ANDY: I don’t know. Maybe if we sit here and keep really quiet they won’t notice us.

  FIRST WARRIOR: Take that, thou bawdy full-gorged bladder!

  SECOND WARRIOR: Forsooth! Thou hast slain me!

  [The second warrior falls and dies. The first warrior turns on Danny.]

  ANDY: Look out, Danny! Behind you!

  [Danny wheels around.]

  DANNY: Aye! Take that!

  [Danny kicks the warrior’s backside. The first warrior then lurches towards Andy, who has fallen down and is lying on his back.]

  Watch out, Andy!

  ANDY: Huh?

  [Andy looks up and sees the warrior coming straight for him.]

  DANNY: Go the squirrel, Andy!

  ANDY: Huh?

  DANNY: Squirrel grip!

  ANDY: Got it!

  [Andy ‘squirrel grips’ his attacker, who falls to the ground, completely incapacitated. Andy nods, smiles and examines his hand in wonder.]

  DANNY: Wow! That was amazing! I didn’t know you could fight like that.

  ANDY: Neither did I. Watch out, Danny!

  DANNY: What?

  ANDY: More Scottish warriors!

  DANNY: Where?

  ANDY: Behind you!

  DANNY: Yikes! [Danny realises he’s surrounded. He grabs a sword from the dead second warrior’s hand and begins expertly dispatching his attackers. When he’s finished he kneels and touches the sword to his head.] Ashanti!

  ANDY: Wow! Where did you learn to do that?

  DANNY: Kill Bill. Remember that scene where she’s surrounded by the Crazy 88 and she fights her way out of it?

  ANDY: But that’s a movie! This is real life!

  DANNY: You could have fooled me! … Andy?

  ANDY: Yes?

  DANNY: What on earth is going on?

  ANDY: I don’t know. But judging by the look of those soldiers and the way they were speaking, I’d say that we’ve been transported back in time to an eleventhcentury Scottish battlefield.

  DANNY: But that’s … impossible!

  ANDY: I know. But here we are.

  DANNY: Do you think that potion really was magic?

  ANDY: I don’t know … but it was the last thing we were all doing before we ended up here. You drank it, I drank it and … LISA! Where’s Lisa?

  DANNY: Do you think Lisa’s here as well?

  ANDY: It’s definitely possible. She drank the potion too.

  DANNY: So where is she?

  ANDY: I DON’T KNOW! We should try to find her! Come on!

  DANNY: But shouldn’t we try to figure out where we are first?

  ANDY: We’ll do that later! Lisa could be in trouble. [Andy starts running.]Lisa! Lisa!

  DANNY: Hey, wait for me!

  ANDY: What’s that?

  DANNY: What?

  ANDY: Up ahead!

  DANNY: Fog.

  ANDY: No, not the fog. In the fog!

  DANNY: A shape … a person shape … a person!

  ANDY: Lisa?

  [The shape in the fog moves and it is clear there are three figures.]

  DANNY: If it is, there’s three of her.

  ANDY: Three Lisas?

  DANNY: No, actually, it looks more like Jen and her friends …

  ANDY: But they didn’t drink the potion.

  DANNY: They’re coming closer!

  ANDY: That’s not Jen and her friends—they’re …

  [The figures turn side on, revealing they have long hooked noses.]

  DANNY: Witches!

  ANDY: Yikes! I’m scared of witches!

  DANNY: What’s to be scared of? Witches are just little old ladies with long black dresses and pointy hats.

  ANDY: And beards! They’ve got beards!

  DANNY: Yikes! Let’s get out of here before we catch witch germs!

  [Enter three witches.]

  Oh no, too late!

  FIRST WITCH: [to Andy] All hail, Macbeth.

  SECOND WITCH: [to Andy] All hail, Macbeth.

  THIRD WITCH: [to Andy] All hail, Macbeth.

  DANNY: [aside to Andy] They seem to think that you’re Macbeth!

  FIRST WITCH: Hail to thee, Macbeth, Thane of Glamis!

  ANDY: Look, I don’t want to be rude, but I think you’ve got the wrong person. You see, my name is Andy and this is my friend, Danny and—

  FIRST WITCH: Don’t interrupt us! We’re predicting your future!

  SECOND WITCH: All hail, Macbeth. Thane of Cawdor!

  THIRD WITCH: All hail, Macbeth, that shalt be King hereafter.

  ANDY: Thane of Cawdor? King?

  DANNY: Andy’s going to be a king?

  ANDY: Cool!

  DANNY: Imagine how rich you’ll be … imagine how much Wizz Fizz you’ll be able to buy!

  ANDY: Yeah … I can just eat Wizz Fizz all the time—breakfast, lunch and dinner—and there’ll be nobody who can tell me not to because I’m King. And imagine how impressed Lisa will be when she finds out that I’m the King. She’ll want to be my girlfriend then, that’s for sure. And even if she doesn’t then I can just command her to, because kings can do that … Kings can do … anything!

  DANNY: [aside] He gets all the luck! [to witches] What about me? What’s going to happen to me?

  FIRST WITCH: Ah, Banquo!

  DANNY: Banquo?

  ANDY: [aside to Danny] Macbeth’s best friend! They think you’re Banquo.

  DANNY: Okay, whatever. [to witches] Well? Am I going to be a king too?

  FIRST WITCH: You will be lesser than Macbeth, and greater!

  DANNY: Oh.

  SECOND WITCH: Not so happy, yet much happier.

  DANNY: Huh?

  THIRD WITCH: Thou shalt get kings, though thou be none.

  DANNY: That sucks! How come Andy gets to be King and I don’t? And how can I be lesser but greater? Or not so happy, but happier? And for that matter, why have you got beards?

  FIRST WITCH: No more questions. Ooh! Look over there!

  [Danny and Andy look away and the witches run off. Andy and Danny turn around to find them gone. They are mystified by their sudden disappearance.]

  ANDY: That was weird!

  DANNY: Yeah, and unfair!

  ANDY: Relax, Danny. I wouldn’t worry about it too much. I mean, I’m not even Macbeth! And, even if I was Macbeth, they said I was the Thane of Cawdor and that’s not true. Macbeth is the Thane of Glamis, not Cawdor.

  DANNY: Wow! A thane! I’d give anything to be a thane. Just one question …