The Very Bad Book Read online

  THE END

  Mummy, Mummy!

  Son: Mummy, Mummy! What’s a werewolf?

  Mum: Shut up and comb your face!

  Son: Mummy, Mummy! Are we really vampires?

  Mum: Shut up and drink your soup before it clots!

  Son: Mummy, Mummy! I’m scared of zombies!

  Mum: Shut up and eat your brains while they’re still warm!

  The Very Bad Teacher

  THE END

  The Very Bad Giraffe

  THE END

  The Very Bad Dentist

  THE END

  Brian and His Very, Very Bad Idea

  THE END

  Mummy, Mummy!

  Son: Mummy, Mummy! I don’t see what’s so good about watching TV!

  Mum: Shut up and switch it on!

  Son: Mummy, Mummy! My head hurts!

  Mum: Shut up and get away from the dartboard!

  Son: Mummy, Mummy! When is the pool going to be ready?

  Mum: Shut up and keep spitting!

  A Very, Very Bad Joke

  Two hippos are in a swamp

  with water up to their eyes.

  One looks at the other and says,

  ‘I don’t know why, but I keep thinking

  it’s Tuesday.’

  THE END

  Tarzan the Monkey Man

  Tarzan the monkey man,

  Swinging on a rubber band.

  Along came Superman

  And kicked him in the dunny can!

  The Adventures of the Dog Poo Family

  PART 1

  THE END

  The Adventures of the Dog Poo Family

  PART 2

  THE END

  The Adventures of the Dog Poo Family

  PART 3

  THE END

  The Very Bad Holiday

  THE END

  The Very Bad Guide to Good and Bad

  Mummy, Mummy!

  Son: Mummy, Mummy! Are you sure this is how you make gingerbread men?

  Mum: Shut up and get back in the oven.

  Son: Mummy, Mummy! What happened to all your scabs?

  Mum: Shut up and eat your cornflakes!

  Son: Mummy, Mummy! Daddy vomited!

  Mum: Shut up and get a fork before your sister gets all the big bits!

  Bad Daddy and the Pencil Sharpener

  THE END

  The Boy Who Forgot His Head Because it wasn’t Screwed On

  Once upon a time there was a very forgetful boy. He would forget to do his chores. He would forget to do his homework. And sometimes he would even forget to put his pants on before he went to school!

  ‘Honestly!’ his mother would say, shaking her head. ‘You’d forget your head if it wasn’t screwed on!’

  One day the boy said to himself,

  ‘I wonder if my head really is screwed on?’

  The boy put his hands over his ears

  and twisted his head to the right.

  It moved a little.

  He gave another twist.

  It moved a little more.

  He gave it one more twist and,

  to his surprise, his head came

  completely off his body.

  ‘Cool!’ said the boy. ‘My head really does screw on … and off!’ And he screwed it on.

  He was about to screw it on again when he heard his best friend calling from outside and he ran off to play, completely forgetting to screw his head back on, just as his mother had predicted.

  The boy’s head sat on the table in front of the window where the boy had left it. Pretty soon, however, the wind started to blow and … the head rolled off the table and onto the floor.

  It bounced down the stairs, and out the front door.

  Along a dark and slimy pipe, past frogs and toads and rats that bite!

  The head rolled on until, eventually, it slid out of the pipe and splashed into the sea … where it was swallowed by a fish …

  which was swallowed by a very big fish …

  which was swallowed by a very, very big fish …

  which was swallowed by a very, very, very small fish …

  with a very, very, very big mouth!

  And

  the

  very,

  very, very

  small fish

  with the

  very,

  very,

  very

  big mouth

  was caught by

  a fisherman,

  who took it home, cut it open and out rolled the boy’s head!

  So, the fisherman did what he did with all the interesting things he found inside the fish he caught: he put it on eBay and, after a furious bidding war, it was bought by a little old lady, who cleaned it, polished it up and used it as a bowling ball.

  As for the boy,

  don’t feel too sorry for him:

  he soon forgot he’d ever had

  a head and lived happily—

  and headlessly—

  ever after.

  THE END

  The Very Bad Teacher

  DO-IT-YOURSELF VERSION

  THE END

  Brian and His Very, Very, Very Bad Idea

  THE END

  Very Bad Knock-knock Jokes

  Knock knock!

  Who’s there?

  Poo-poo.

  Poo-poo who?

  Poo-poo wee-wee.

  Knock knock!

  Who’s there?

  Poo-poo wee-wee.

  Poo-poo wee-wee who?

  Poo-poo wee-wee poo-poo wee-wee.

  Knock knock!

  Who’s there?

  Alice.

  Alice who?

  Alice Poo-poo wee-wee poo-poo wee-wee.

  The Very Bad Dog

  BARKING

  LEAVING MUDDY PAW PRINTS ALL OVER THE HOUSE

  WEEING ON THE RUG

  MAKING PRANK PHONE CALLS

  SPRAYING ANTI-CAT GRAFFITI

  DRIVING TOO FAST

  ROBBING A BANK

  BLOWING UP THE CAT

  THE END

  The Very Bad Vet

  THE END

  Very, Very, Very Bad Riddles

  Q: Why did the plane crash?

  A: Because the pilot was a loaf of bread.

  Q: Why did the ship crash?

  A: Because the captain was a loaf of bread.

  Q: Why did the bread van crash?

  A: Accident investigators believe that it was due to a combination of factors, including high winds, icy roads, a dirty windscreen, brake failure, four flat tyres and an indicator malfunction (plus the fact that the driver was a loaf of bread).