The 104-Storey Treehouse Read online

  Q What’s green, sticky and smells like eucalyptus?

  A Koala vomit.

  ‘An excellent choice, if I may say so, sir,’ says Fancy Fish. ‘The Joke Writer 2000™ is a wonderful pencil and very well-priced at only two million dollars. They have proved enormously popular—in fact, this is my last one.’ He places it on the counter in front of us.

  ‘We’ll buy it!’ says Terry.

  ‘Hang on, not so fast,’ I say. I turn to Fancy Fish. ‘Will you excuse me for a moment while I consult with my colleague?’

  ‘Of course,’ says Fancy Fish.

  I draw Terry aside.

  ‘What’s the matter, Andy?’ he says. ‘It’s exactly what we need.’

  ‘Yes,’ I say, ‘but it costs two million dollars and we only have two one-dollar coins!’

  Q Where do fish go for their holidays?

  A Finland.

  ‘Oh, yeah,’ says Terry, ‘that’s too bad ... unless ... unless ...’

  ‘Unless what?’ I say.

  ‘Unless we use our money-making machine to make one million, nine hundred and ninety-nine thousand, nine hundred and ninety-eight dollars? Then we can add our two one-dollar coins and we’ll have two million dollars!’

  ‘Brilliant!’ I say. ‘Why didn’t I think of that?’

  ‘Because you’ve got a toothache, that’s why.’

  ‘Ouch!’ I say. ‘Thanks for reminding me.’

  I turn to Fancy Fish. ‘Hold that Joke Writer 2000™ —we’ll be right back!’

  ‘Well, I’ll try,’ says Fancy Fish, ‘but I can’t guarantee anything. At this price it won’t last long.’

  Q Why do some fish live at the bottom of the ocean?

  A Because they dropped out of school.

  CHAPTER 4

  THE 100-BEAR BUNFIGHT

  We hurry to the money-making machine.

  ‘How do you turn this thing on?’ I say.

  ‘Easy,’ says Terry. ‘You just flick the HONEY/MONEY switch to MONEY and then press the ON button—like this.’

  The machine whirs into action and money starts flying everywhere.

  ‘Making money is fun!’ says Terry as he jumps around excitedly, snatching money out of the air.

  ‘Be careful,’ I say. ‘Don’t bump the HONEY/MONEY switch.’

  Q What is harder to catch the faster you run?

  A Your breath.

  ‘Oops,’ says Terry, as he slips backwards and bumps into the honey/money switch!

  The machine makes a weird growling, gluggy sound as it switches from making money to making ...

  Q What did the bee say to the flower?

  A ‘Hello, honey!’.

  Before we know it, we’re up to our knees in honey! It’s pouring out of the machine in great sticky waves.

  ‘Terry, you idiot!’ I yell. ‘You bumped into the HONEY/MONEY switch.’

  ‘I’m sorry,’ says Terry. ‘But it’s okay, I’ve turned the machine off now.’

  Q How do bees get to school in the morning?

  A On the school buzz.

  ‘Then why is it still making that weird growling sound?’ I say.

  ‘That’s not the machine,’ says Terry. ‘That’s actual growling—I think it’s coming from all those bears!’

  ‘Bears?’ I say.

  ‘Yes,’ says Terry. ‘Look!’

  Q How do bears keep their caves cool?

  A Bear-conditioning.

  ‘Oh, no!’ says Terry. ‘This is bad!’

  ‘No,’ I say, ‘it’s actually good—they’re eating all the honey!’

  ‘But what about when there’s no more honey left?’ says Terry. ‘Then the bears will eat us!’

  ‘Not these ones,’ I say. ‘These are obviously honey-eating bears, not human-eating bears.’

  Q Why couldn’t the teddy bear eat its lunch?

  A Because it was stuffed.

  ‘I think they must be bun-eating bears as well,’ says Terry, pointing up at the bunfighting level. ‘Look!’

  ‘Uh-oh!’ I say. ‘They’re not just eating the buns—they’re throwing them as well... WATCH OUT!!!’

  I take cover but Terry is too slow. One of the buns hits him in the head and knocks him over.

  Terry jumps back up. ‘Right!’ he says. ‘This means war!’

  ‘Yeah,’ I say. ‘If it’s a bunfight they want, then it’s a bunfight they’ll get!’

  Q What do you call a bear with no teeth?

  A A gummy bear.

  We scoop up the buns the bears have thrown at us and start hurling them back.

  Q When are people like bears?

  A When they’re barefoot.

  Buns of all types are flying through the air in all directions. Hot-cross buns, cold-cross buns, Boston buns, cinnamon buns, cream buns, currant buns, out-of-date buns, hamburger buns, hotdog buns, refrigerator buns ... hang on, REFRIGERATOR BUNS?!

  Q How far can a bear walk into the woods?

  A Halfway—then it is walking out of the woods.

  There’s no such thing as refrigerator buns!

  The bears are throwing actual refrigerators!

  ‘Cut it out, you bears!’ I say. ‘Fridge-throwing is totally against the rules of bunfighting! Look at the sign!’

  Q What’s black and white, black and white, black and white?

  A A panda bear rolling down a hill.

  ‘Maybe bears can’t read,’ says Terry.

  ‘I think you’re right,’ I say. ‘We’d better get to the fortress—and fast—before we get flattened by a flying fridge!’

  ‘Or four flying fridges,’ says Terry, as four flying fridges fly towards us. ‘Flee!’

  We make it just in time. Fridges smash into the wall of our fortress, but because it’s reinforced with extra-strong fortress reinforcer it has no trouble withstanding the ferocious fridge attack.

  ‘How long do you think they’ll keep it up for?’ says Terry.

  ‘Who knows?’ I say. ‘They could go on forever ... or until the refrigerator-vending machine runs out of refrigerators—whichever comes first, I guess.’

  ‘If only Jill was here,’ says Terry. ‘She could talk to the bears and ask them to stop throwing fridges.’

  ‘Hey, I know,’ I say, ‘let’s call Jill!’

  ‘Good idea, Andy!’ says Terry.

  Q Why did the bear fall off his bike?

  A Because his mother threw a fridge at him.

  Within moments, Jill zooms down out of the sky and lands her flying-cat sleigh safely inside the walls of our fortress.

  ‘I heard your call and came as fast as I could,’ she says. ‘What are all these bears doing in the treehouse—and why are they throwing refrigerators at you?’

  Q Why did the bear fail his maths test?

  A Because his mother threw another fridge at him.

  ‘Well,’ I say, ‘we were using the money-making machine to make some money but Terry knocked the switch to HONEY and then the bears came to eat it all up. And then they started throwing buns.’

  ‘And fridges,’ says Terry. ‘Can you make them stop?’

  ‘Well, I’ll try,’ says Jill. ‘Bears can be very stubborn but I’ll have a word with them.’

  Q Why did the fridge fall off its bike?

  A Because its mother threw a bear at it.

  The bears put the fridges down and look up at Jill.

  ‘I’m very disappointed in you bears,’ she says. ‘This is no way to behave when you’re a guest in somebody’s treehouse.’

  One of the bears steps forward and growls quietly up at Jill.

  ‘That must be their spokesbear,’ says Terry.

  Jill turns to us. ‘The bears say they’re very sorry,’ she says.

  ‘That’s okay,’ I say.

  ‘Yeah,’ says Terry. ‘It’s all right. The bunfight was actually a lot of fun. It was just the fridges we had a problem with.’

  ‘You know,’ Jill says to the bears, ‘it’s almost winter so you should be settling down to some
serious hibernation. How about you all go home now and I’ll come to your cave later, tuck you in and read you a nice bear-time story, perhaps even The 104-Storey Treehouse?’

  The bears obviously like Jill’s idea. They start jumping around excitedly, high-pawing one another.

  Q Why did the fridge fall out of the tree?

  A Because it had no arms.

  ‘Bears love their bear-time stories,’ explains Jill.

  The spokesbear taps Jill on the shoulder and growls in her ear.

  Jill turns to us and says, ‘He wants to know if there are any bears in your story?’

  ‘Only about one hundred!’ I say.

  Q How do you catch a fish without a fishing rod?

  A With your bear hands.

  The bears all start growling excitedly and Jill translates for us.

  ‘They said would you please come, too, and read it with me?’

  ‘Sure,’ says Terry. ‘We can do that.’

  ‘Yes,’ I say. ‘But we have to finish it first.’

  ‘Well, we’d better get going then,’ says Jill, ‘and let you get on with it.’

  She climbs into her flying-cat sleigh and calls to the bears. ‘Follow me! My cats and I will show you the quickest way home.’

  ‘See you all later!’ shouts Terry. ‘And thanks for eating all the honey—it would have taken us ages!’

  Q What sort of stories do bears like best?

  A Furry tales.

  CHAPTER 5

  IF ONLY...

  ‘Well, if we’re going to have this book ready to read to the bears, we’d better get started,’ says Terry.

  ‘I know!’ I say (moan). ‘But my tooth is still killing me. I hope the money-making machine made enough money for us to buy the Joke Writer 2000TM.’

  I pick up a handful of sticky money and start counting.

  ‘One ... five ... two ... (groan)’

  ‘Andy?’ says Terry.

  ‘Shush,’ I say, ‘I’m trying to concentrate. Seven five ... nine ... (moan)’

  Q Why didn’t the cannibals eat the clown?

  A Because he tasted funny.

  ‘Um, Andy?’

  ‘Not now, Terry. Ten ... eleventeen—’

  ‘ANDY!!!’shouts Terry.

  ‘Stop interrupting me!’ I say. ‘You’ve made me lose my place! I’m going to have to start all over again!’

  ‘Sorry,’ says Terry. ‘But that’s what I wanted to talk to you about. The readers and I were wondering if you could count a bit faster ... and in the right order.’

  ‘I’m counting as fast—and as well—as I can!’ I say.

  ‘But it’s taking forever,’ says Terry. ‘I think you might need a little help. I’m going to the stupid-hat level—I’ll be right back.’

  Q What do penguins wear on their heads?

  A Ice caps.

  A few minutes later Terry returns with a stupid-looking hat, which he puts on my head.

  ‘I don’t want to wear this stupid hat,’ I say.

  ‘I know it looks stupid,’ says Terry, ‘but it will make you smart: it’s a stupid-looking, super-fast counting hat.’

  ‘Well, in that case,’ I say, ‘let the super-fast counting begin!’

  Q Why was six afraid of seven?

  A Because seven ate nine.

  Pretty soon I’ve counted every last bit of money. ‘We have one million, nine hundred and ninety-nine thousand, nine hundred and ninety-six dollars,’ I say.

  ‘Darn!’ says Terry. ‘We’re four dollars short.’

  Q When I point up it’s bright but when I point down it’s dark. What am I?

  A A light switch.

  ‘Only two dollars short, actually,’ I say. ‘Remember, we’ve also got my one-dollar coin and your one-dollar coin.’

  ‘In that case,’ says Terry. ‘All we have to do is use the money-making machine to make two more dollars.’

  ‘We can’t!’ I say. ‘The HONEY/MONEY switch is all glugged up with honey and won’t flick back to money.’

  ‘Oh, no!’ says Terry. ‘How are we going to pay for the Joke Writer 2000™ now?’

  ‘I don’t know,’ I say. ‘I can’t think of anything. My tooth hurts too much.’

  ‘What about the burp bank?’ says Terry. ‘We must have at least twenty spare burps in there. We could use them!’

  ‘We can’t pay in burps,’ I say.

  ‘Why not?’ says Terry.

  ‘Because then everybody would be doing it,’ I say. ‘And it would be disgusting.’

  ‘That’s too bad,’ says Terry. ‘I think paying for things with burps would be cool.’

  Q What kind of running means walking?

  A Running out of petrol.

  ‘Maybe we should try the deep-thoughts thinking room,’ says Terry. ‘That might help. Remember how last time we were there I had the thought that it might be nice to have ice-cream with sausages for breakfast and then we did and I was right?’

  ‘Yeah,’ I say, ‘that was a good deep thought. Let’s try it.’

  Q Two sausages are on a grill. One says, ‘Wow, is it hot in here or is it just me?’ What does the other one say?

  A ‘Wow! A talking sausage!’.

  We fly to the deep-thoughts thinking room and settle into our deep-thoughts thinking positions.

  ‘Hmmm (moan) ...’

  ‘Got anything yet, Andy?’

  ‘Nope. You?’

  ‘Not yet...’

  Q What happened to Einstein when he took a shower?

  A He was brainwashed.

  ‘Hang on (groan), I think I’m having a deep thought!’

  ‘Hey, me too! What’s yours?’

  ‘It’s about how much my tooth is aching ...’

  ‘Mine’s about sausages ...’

  Q What does a shark eat with peanut butter?

  A Jellyfish.

  ‘I’ve got it!’ says Terry. ‘Sausages and sausages and sausages! What did you come up with?’

  ‘Nothing,’ I say. ‘All I can think about is how much my tooth aches (moan). And how it’s all your fault! If only you’d listened to me when I said don’t bump the honey/money switch on the money-making machine. But you went and bumped it anyway and now we don’t have enough money to buy a Joke Writer 2000™!’

  ‘Look on the bright side,’ says Terry. ‘We got lots of honey.’

  Q What has teeth but no mouth?

  A A comb.

  ‘But we didn’t need honey,’ I say. ‘We need a Joke Writer 2000™! And the only reason we need that is because I have a toothache, and my toothache is your fault, too!’

  ‘How is your toothache my fault?’ says Terry.

  ‘Remember that marshmallow-flavoured toothpaste you invented for people who hate peppermint-flavoured toothpaste?’

  ‘Yes,’ says Terry. ‘What about it?’

  ‘Well, it didn’t prevent tooth decay,’ I say. ‘It caused it!’

  ‘That’s not my fault,’ says Terry, ‘I put a warning on the tube. Look—it’s right here!’

  Q How do you clean a dirty tuba?

  A With a tuba toothpaste.

  ‘But why would you invent such a dumb toothpaste in the first place?’ I say. ‘If only you’d listened to me when I said NOT to invent a really dumb toothpaste! In fact, pretty much all of our problems could be avoided IF ONLY YOU WOULD LISTEN TO WHAT I SAY!!!’

  ‘Hey, that gives me an idea for a song,’ says Terry.

  Q What kind of music are balloons afraid of?

  A Pop music.

  If only I’d listened to Andy,

  I would never have done anything wrong.

  If only I’d listened to Andy,

  I wouldn’t be singing this song.

  But I didn’t listen to Andy

  And now he is groaning in pain.

  Oh, why am I always so stupid?

  Again and again and again?!

  Like the time I married a mermaid,

  Who was actually a monster from the sea,

  An
d she practically ended up eating

  Both my good friend Andy and me!

  Q Which part of a mermaid weighs the most?

  A Her scales.

  And the time I used the sharks in the shark tank

  To wash my underpants.

  And the time I left open the ant farm gate

  And let out all of the ants.

  If only I’d listened to Andy,

  I wouldn’t have invented a machine

  To write and draw our books for us

  That turned out to be really mean.

  Q How do snails get their shells so shiny?

  A They use snail polish.

  And if only I hadn’t trained Ninja Snails–

  Oh, hang on, they worked out okay!

  Even though it took them 100 years,

  They ended up saving the day.

  But I didn’t listen to Andy