Killer Koalas from Outer Space Read online

  THE END

  The Girl Who Slammed Doors

  There once was a girl who slammed doors from morning to night without pause.

  She slammed them so hard

  that the rooms fell apart,

  and all that was left were the floors.

  A Very Bad Hippo Joke

  Two hippos are in a swamp

  with water up to their eyes.

  One looks at the other and says,

  “I don’t know why, but I keep thinking it’s Tuesday.”

  The Boy Who Forgot His Head Because It Wasn’t Screwed On

  Once upon a time, there was a very forgetful boy. He would forget to do his chores. He would forget to do his homework. And sometimes, he would even forget to put his pants on before he went to school!

  “Honestly!” his mother

  would say, shaking her

  head. “You’d forget your

  head if it wasn’t screwed on!”

  One day, the boy said to himself,

  “I wonder if my head really is screwed on?”

  The boy put his hands over his ears

  and twisted his head to the right.

  It moved a little.

  He gave another twist.

  It moved a little more.

  He gave it one more twist and,

  to his surprise, his head came

  completely off his body.

  “Cool!” said the boy. “My head really does screw on . . . and off!” And he screwed it on.

  He was about to screw it on again when he heard his best friend calling from outside and he ran off to play, completely forgetting to screw his head back on, just as his mother had predicted.

  The boy’s head sat

  on the table in front

  of the window where the

  boy had left it. Pretty

  soon, however, the wind

  started to blow and . . .

  the head rolled off the

  table and onto the floor.

  Along a dark

  and slimy pipe,

  past frogs and toads

  and rats that bite!

  The head rolled on

  until, eventually,

  it slid out of the pipe

  and splashed into the sea. . .

  where it was swallowed

  by a fish. . .

  which was swallowed

  by a very big fish . . .

  which was swallowed by

  a very very big fish . . .

  which was swallowed by

  a very very very small fish. . .

  with a very, very, very big mouth!

  who took it home,

  cut it open

  and out rolled

  the boy’s head!

  So, the fisherman did what he did with all the interesting things he found inside the fish he caught: he put it on eBay and, after a furious bidding war, it was bought by a little old lady, who cleaned it, polished it up and used it as a bowling ball.

  As for the boy,

  don’t feel too sorry for him.

  He soon forgot he’d ever had

  a head and lived happily—

  and headlessly—

  ever after.

  THE END

  Tarzan the Monkey Man

  Tarzan the monkey man,

  swinging on a rubber band.

  Along came Superman

  and kicked him in the garbage can!

  The Adventures of the Dog Poo Family

  PART 1

  THE END

  The Adventures of the Dog Poo Family

  PART 2

  THE END

  The Adventures of the Dog Poo Family

  PART 3

  THE END

  The Very Bad Holiday

  THE END

  The Very Bad Guide to Good and Bad

  Little Bad Riding Hood

  Once upon a time, there was a bad little girl called Little Bad Riding Hood.

  One day,

  her mother said to her,

  “Little Bad Riding Hood,

  your grandmother is

  very sick.

  Would you

  do me a favour

  and take her

  this basket of food,

  drink

  and vital medicine

  without which

  she will surely die?”

  And Little Bad Riding Hood said,

  “No.”

  THE END

  Peter, Peter, Junk-food Eater

  Peter, Peter, junk-food eater

  Guzzled lemonade by the litre.

  Gobbled jelly beans by the tonne

  Ate ice-cream cakes and sticky buns.

  He began to grow and swell

  And was not looking very well.

  He drank a milkshake to quench his thirst,

  He groaned

  and burped

  and then

  he burst.

  Bad Daddy and the Pencil Sharpener

  THE END

  Very Bad Knock-knock Jokes

  Knock knock!

  Who’s there?

  Poo-poo.

  Poo-poo who?

  Poo-poo wee-wee.

  Knock knock!

  Who’s there?

  Poo-poo wee-wee.

  Poo-poo wee-wee who?

  Poo-poo wee-wee Poo-poo wee-wee.

  Knock knock!

  Who’s there?

  Alice.

  Alice who?

  Alice Poo-poo wee-wee Poo-poo wee-wee.

  Brian and His Very, Very Very Bad Idea

  THE END

  The Very Bad Builder

  Once upon a time,

  there was a very bad builder.

  Everybody would say to him,

  “Can you fix it?”

  and he would say,

  “No,

  I can’t.”

  THE END

  Badword Puzzle

  CLUES

  Across

  1. Not good (3)

  2. Wicked (3)

  3. Naughty (3)

  5. DAB backwards (3)

  6. Shoddy (3)

  8. Faulty (3)

  9. Imperfect (3)

  10. Terrible (3)

  11. Off or sour (3)

  13. Disobedient (3)

  14. Harmful (3)

  16. Rotten (3)

  17. Putrid (3)

  18. Good-for-nothing (3)

  Down

  1. Evil (3)

  3. Rhymes with sad (3)

  4. Dreadful (3)

  5. Rude (3)

  6. Nasty (3)

  7. Gross (3)

  8. Offensive (3)

  10. Misbehaved (3)

  11. Useless (3)

  12. Worthless (3)

  13. Vile (3)

  14. Atrocious (3)

  15. Sinful (3)

  16. Abominable (3)

  17. Despicable (3)

  The Very Bad Story

  Once upon a time, things were bad. Then, things got very bad. And just when everybody thought things couldn’t possibly get any badder, they did.

  They got very, very bad.

  THE END

  The Very, Very Bad Story

  Once upon a time, things were very, very bad. And just when everybody thought things couldn’t possibly get any badder, they did. They got twice as bad.

  Then they got three times as bad.

  Then they got four thousand, eight hundred, and seventy-three and five-sixteenths badder still.

  THE END

  The Very, Very, Very Bad Story

  Once upon a time, things were four thousand, eight hundred, and seventy-three and five-sixteenths badder than the time things were three times as bad as the time things were twice as bad as the time when they were just very, very bad.

  In fact, things were SO bad that it made all the previous bad days seem like the good old days, and the memory of those good old bad days made everybody cry and feel very sorry for themselves and feel even badder than
they already did.

  But eventually, people started saying, “Hey, we can’t just sit around crying all day and feeling bad. We should try to fix things and make everything good again.”

  So everybody got up, wiped their tears away, stopped feeling sorry for themselves, and tried to make things good again.

  But it was no use. The more they tried to make things good again, the badder things got. Things just got badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder and badder.

  THE END

  Very Bad Plane, Ship, and Bread Van Riddles

  Q: Why did the plane crash?

  A: Because the pilot was a loaf of bread.

  Q: Why did the ship crash?

  A: Because the captain was a loaf of bread.

  Q: Why did the bread van crash?

  A: Accident investigators believe that it was due to a combination of factors, including high winds, icy roads, a dirty windscreen, brake
failure, four flat tyres and an indicator malfunction (plus the fact that the driver was a loaf of bread).