Bumageddon: The Final Pongflict Read online

  The stinkants pushed back further.

  The bum-fighters were backed up against the wall—the Forker jabbing the ants with his fork and the Flicker flicking them with his rolled-up tea towel to prevent the frenzied mass from crushing them against the rock.

  But Robobum kept stomping relentlessly until all of the stinkants in the chamber had been destroyed and all the stinkants outside the chamber were too scared—or too smart—to come in.

  ‘Good work, Robobum!’ said Ned. ‘You’re a hero!’

  ‘Just doing the job I was programmed to do,’ said Robobum.

  ‘But how did you defeat those tyrannosore-arses?’ said Eleanor. ‘They looked like they were going to rip your fully riveted reinforced steel cheeks apart.’

  ‘They did not know who they were dealing with,’ said Robobum. ‘I am Robobum. Fully riveted reinforced steel cheeks. Turbo-assisted jet repulsion units. Nuclear wart-head equipped. Matter transport assisted entry and exit. Inside and outside voice options. Onboard tea- and coffee-making facilities. And I am self-wiping!!’

  Eleanor nodded. ‘Of course,’ she said. ‘Silly me. How could I have forgotten?’

  ‘But how did you know we were in the stinkant nest?’ said Ned.

  ‘I was alerted to this fact by a cute pink bum,’ said Robobum. ‘It claims it was acting as your guide.’

  ‘I knew it wouldn’t abandon us!’ said Eleanor, flashing an I told you so glance at Zack’s bum. ‘Where is it now?’

  ‘It is inside my control centre,’ said Robobum. ‘I couldn’t have found you without it. But enough talk. I advise immediate departure. Repeat. Immediate departure. Reinforcements are already on their way. Prepare for teleportation.’

  As Robobum said this, she beamed her teleporting light down to where the bum-fighters were standing.

  ‘Come on, Gran,’ said Zack. ‘Step into the light.’

  ‘No, Zack,’ said Gran, shaking her head sadly.

  CHAPTER 42

  GOODBYE

  ‘But you’re coming with us,’ said Zack as he studied his Gran’s tired face. ‘Aren’t you?’

  ‘No,’ said Gran. ‘At least, not yet. You see, we haven’t finished our message to you. We’d run out of stinkant-blood paint, but with all these stinkant carcasses we’ve got all we need to finish the job.’

  ‘But it doesn’t matter about the message anymore!’ said Zack. ‘We already got it!’

  ‘That’s true,’ said the Forker. ‘But only because we’re staying behind to finish it. If we don’t finish it now, you won’t be able to get it in the future, thus condemning the Earth to certain Bumageddon.’

  ‘But the nest has been destroyed!’ said Zack.

  ‘Not all of it,’ said Ned. ‘And there are still plenty of stinkants left to rebuild it.’

  ‘But . . .’ said Zack.

  ‘Don’t worry about us,’ said the Flicker. ‘We can look after ourselves. We’ll catch you up later.’

  ‘No, you won’t,’ said Zack. ‘If you stay you’ll die here—all of you—we know because . . . because . . . Ned saw your bones.’

  Gran put her hand on Zack’s shoulder. ‘We all have to die sometime,’ she said.

  ‘Yes, I know,’ said Zack. ‘But not now! First you, then my parents and now you . . . again! I’ll be all alone.’

  ‘Your parents?’ said Gran, her fingers tightening on Zack’s shoulder. ‘James and Judi are dead? How?’

  ‘They were squashed by a giant brown blob,’ said Zack sadly. ‘At the start of Bumageddon. Everybody was squashed—only a few of us made it out.’

  Gran looked older and frailer as she absorbed the news. Then a change passed over her face—a look of cold determination. ‘Then it’s all the more important that we stay here and finish our task,’ she said, hugging Zack. ‘Goodbye, Zack. And good luck. The future of the world—and your parents—depends on you.’

  ‘Gee, no pressure or anything,’ said Zack’s bum.

  ‘Advise immediate departure,’ said Robobum. ‘I can sense reinforcements on the way. Prepare for immediate teleportation and departure.’

  ‘Come on, Zack!’ said Eleanor, leading him into the light. ‘We have to go.’

  Zack slowly let his gran go and stood in the teleportation beam with the others. Then, just before he dematerialised, he rushed back to Gran. He reached into his pocket and pulled out the cake of soap Ned had found in the cave. ‘Here!’ he said. ‘This belongs to you.’

  ‘Thanks, Zack,’ said Gran. ‘You’re a good boy.’

  Zack nodded and resumed his place again under the light, tears in his eyes.

  CHAPTER 43

  QUESTIONS

  As they rematerialised in the safety of Robobum’s control room, they were greeted by their guide bum.

  ‘You!’ said Zack’s bum.

  ‘I’m very glad you’re all right!’ said Eleanor, rushing to its side.

  ‘I’m very happy to see you all again,’ it replied. ‘I thought I might have been too late.’

  Zack’s bum eyed it suspiciously. ‘How come you weren’t stinkant-napped like the rest of us?’ it said.

  ‘I’m a very light sleeper,’ said the bum. ‘But even so, the stinkants were fast. By the time I realised what was happening it was all I could do to save myself.’

  ‘Yeah, funny that,’ said Zack’s bum.

  The bum shot Zack’s bum an angry look. ‘The real question,’ it said, ‘is how come you fell asleep and let the fire go out? You were on guard. It was your responsibility.’

  ‘I just shut my eye for a second,’ said Zack’s bum, shuffling its feet. ‘I was tired.’

  ‘We all were,’ said the bum. ‘It’s no excuse. You shouldn’t have volunteered for guard duty if you weren’t capable of staying awake.’

  ‘I didn’t volunteer for guard duty,’ said Zack’s bum. ‘You forced me to do it.’

  ‘I didn’t force you to do anything!’ said the bum. ‘You could have said no.’

  ‘I was too tired,’ said Zack’s bum. ‘I didn’t know what I was saying.’

  ‘Never mind,’ said Ned. ‘What’s done is done, and arguing about what was done won’t undo it.’ He turned to the guide. ‘What I want to know is how did you know about Robobum?’

  ‘I didn’t,’ said the bum. ‘Robobum found me. She was already looking for you. I just guided her here. All I really knew was that it would be the only way you could possibly be rescued from a stinkant nest.’

  ‘I’m so proud of you!’ said Eleanor. ‘Well done!’

  ‘Yes,’ said Ned. ‘Thank you.’

  ‘Don’t thank me,’ said the bum. ‘Thank Robobum.’

  Zack’s bum muttered something inaudible.

  ‘I beg your pardon?’ said the bum.

  ‘Excuse me,’ said Zack’s bum, turning away and walking over to Zack.

  Zack was standing in front of the screen watching his gran and the Forker and the Flicker resume their work on the wall as Robobum reversed out of the cave.

  Eleanor came and stood beside him.

  ‘We’ll never see them again, will we?’ said Zack.

  ‘If I’ve learnt anything in the last twenty-four hours,’ said Eleanor, ‘it’s never to say “never”.’

  ‘But why did they all have to stay?’ said Zack.

  ‘Because that’s the way it happened,’ said Eleanor. ‘We can’t change that. Besides, if your gran’s soap wasn’t there we would have thought Ned Smelly was just suffering methane madness. It all fits.’

  ‘But we’re trying to change the Great White Bum’s evacuation plan,’ said Zack.

  ‘Some things we can change, others we can’t,’ said Eleanor. ‘It’s just the way it is.’

  ‘Maybe we won’t be able to change the evacuation plan, either,’ said Zack.

  ‘No,’ said Eleanor. ‘And then again, maybe we will.’

  CHAPTER 44

  CONFRONTATION

  Robobum wasted no time extracting herself and her passengers from the stinkant nest.r />
  Although the fighting was intense and at least another 30,000 unfortunate stinkants were stomped on or incinerated, Robobum eventually broke free, roaring up into the primeval dawn.

  ‘Next stop, Crack of Doom,’ she announced.

  ‘No,’ said Zack’s bum. ‘Next stop right now! We have a passenger to drop off.’

  ‘What are you talking about?’ said Zack. ‘You can’t get off!’

  ‘Not me,’ said his bum, pointing at their guide. ‘Her!’

  ‘Me?’ said their guide. ‘What did I do?’

  ‘It’s what you didn’t do that’s the problem,’ said Zack’s bum. ‘You didn’t protect us from the stinkants!’

  ‘I tried to!’ said the guide. ‘I put you on watch. It was you who fell asleep. If it’s anyone’s fault it’s yours.’

  ‘It was all part of your evil plan!’ said Zack’s bum.

  ‘What evil plan?’ said Eleanor.

  ‘Isn’t it obvious?’ said Zack’s bum. ‘It’s working for the stinkants. It knew I wouldn’t be able to stay awake. And while I slept it told them where to find us.’

  ‘That’s ridiculous,’ said the guide. ‘I came to save you, remember?’

  Zack’s bum hesitated for a moment, but it was on a roll and nothing could stop it.

  ‘That was part of your evil plan, too,’ said Zack’s bum. ‘You instructed the stinkants to capture us so you could save us so we wouldn’t suspect that you put them up to it.’

  ‘Listen to yourself!’ said the guide. ‘You’re talking nonsense. Why would I be working for the stinkants? And even if I was, why would I care whether you knew it was me once you were captured?’

  ‘I don’t know!’ said Zack’s bum. ‘But that’s exactly what I intend to find out!’

  ‘You’re crazy,’ said the guide.

  ‘And you’re a dirty doublecrossing stinkant-bum-kissing loser with no friends!’

  The guide’s cheeks flushed red with anger. ‘You take that back!’ it said.

  ‘Make me!’ said Zack’s bum.

  ‘With pleasure!’ said the guide, launching itself at Zack’s bum.

  The two bums began scrapping on the floor—like wild dogs—in front of the stunned bum-fighters. It happened so fast that nobody had time to stop them.

  Even Robobum was caught off guard. ‘Bum-fight on deck!’ she announced, a little belatedly, as Zack’s bum grabbed the guide in a double-handed cheek-lock and started to stretch it until it looked like it would tear in two.

  ‘I’ll kill you!’ said Zack’s bum.

  ‘Stop it!’ yelled Eleanor, throwing a bucket of cold water onto the fighting bums.

  The shock made Zack’s bum lose its grip and the two bums fell apart, panting heavily.

  Zack immediately grabbed his bum’s arm and twisted it up behind its back.

  ‘Ow! Ow! Ow!’ it yelled. ‘Stop!’

  ‘Only if you promise to stop fighting,’ said Zack.

  ‘Okay,’ said his bum. ‘I’ll stop . . .’ Zack released his bum’s arm. It immediately leapt at the guide and started fighting again. ‘I’ll stop when it’s dead!’

  ‘Zack! Control your bum!’ said Eleanor, picking up the small pink bum and holding it above her head while Zack’s bum jumped up and down underneath it, snapping angrily. ‘Leave it alone, you maniac!’ she said, booting Zack’s bum in the left cheek.

  ‘You stay out of this,’ said Zack’s bum. ‘This is between us—it’s got nothing to do with you!’

  ‘That’s where you’re wrong,’ said Eleanor. ‘It’s got everything to do with me.’

  ‘Oh yeah?’ said Zack’s bum. ‘And why is that?’

  ‘Because,’ said Eleanor.

  ‘Because why?’ said Zack’s bum.

  ‘Because,’ said Eleanor, ‘it’s my bum.’

  CHAPTER 45

  TRUTH

  Eleanor’s words stopped the fight more effectively than any number of buckets of cold water could have.

  ‘Your bum?’ said Zack’s bum.

  ‘Your bum?’ said Zack.

  ‘Your bum?’ said Ned.

  ‘Your bum?’ said Robobum.

  ‘Your bum?’ said Eleanor’s bum.

  ‘Yes,’ said Eleanor. ‘ My bum.’

  CHAPTER 46

  ABANDONED

  ‘But . . . but . . . why didn’t you say anything?’ said Eleanor’s bum. ‘Didn’t you recognise me?’

  ‘I recognised you straight away,’ said Eleanor. ‘I wanted to say something, but I didn’t know how to. Or how you’d feel about me. I thought you might be angry.’

  ‘Angry?’ said her bum, reddening. ‘Who, me? Angry? Why should I be angry? I only tried to serve you as well as I knew how. I only tried to be there for you when you needed me. I only tried to be a good, solid, reliable, honest bum and what did I get for my trouble? What did I get for my pain? What did I get for doing all the work that no other part of your body would—or could—do? I’ll tell you what I got—chucked into a rubbish bin, without so much as a thank-you note! So why should I be angry? Of course I’m not angry. In fact, I don’t think I can remember when I’ve ever felt quite so not-angry!’

  ‘I’m sorry,’ said Eleanor. ‘But I didn’t realise what I was doing. When the Great White Bum killed my mother I knew I had to become a bum-fighter and that would mean having to get a false bum . . . I didn’t know then what I know now: that bum-fighters and their bums can work together. That a bum can be a bum-fighter’s best friend.’

  ‘So that’s all you want me back for,’ said her bum. ‘To make you a better bum-fighter. You just don’t get it, do you?’

  ‘No, that’s not what I meant!’ said Eleanor. ‘I can understand how you feel, but . . .’

  ‘No, you can’t,’ said her bum. ‘You have no idea how it feels to be abandoned. But don’t worry, you soon will.’

  ‘What do you mean?’ said Eleanor.

  ‘Robobum!’ said Eleanor’s bum. ‘Stop immediately! I’m getting off.’

  ‘Affirmative,’ said Robobum. ‘Setting down now!’

  ‘But you can’t get off,’ said Eleanor.

  ‘And why not?’ said Eleanor’s bum.

  ‘Because we’ll never find the Crack of Doom without you!’ said Eleanor.

  ‘And?’ said her bum.

  ‘And what?’ said Eleanor.

  ‘And?’ repeated her bum.

  ‘And because you’re my bum,’ said Eleanor. ‘I need you.’

  ‘Right answer,’ said her bum, ‘just a little bit too late. Goodbye, Eleanor. I’m sorry it didn’t work out between us.’

  ‘Robobum has landed,’ said Robobum. ‘Safe to depart.’

  ‘Teleport me out, please, Robobum,’ said Eleanor’s bum.

  Eleanor watched sadly as her bum disappeared under the light.

  ‘Good riddance, I say,’ muttered Zack’s bum quietly. But not quietly enough.

  ‘Shut up!’ snarled Eleanor. ‘Or . . . or . . .’

  ‘Or what?’ said Zack’s bum.

  ‘Or else,’ said Eleanor.

  ‘Did you hear that, Zack?’ said his bum. ‘She threatened me.’

  ‘Shut up!’ said Zack.

  CHAPTER 47

  STUCK!

  Eleanor glared fiercely at Zack’s bum. ‘You’re nothing but a troublemaker,’ she said. ‘How are we supposed to find the Crack of Doom now?’

  ‘Hey, don’t blame me,’ said Zack’s bum. ‘It’s your bum that’s the troublemaker.’

  ‘How dare you!’ said Eleanor. ‘You’re the one who fell asleep on your watch. And if my memory serves me correctly, wasn’t it you who ran away in the first place to help the Great White Bum build his bumcano? And you have the nerve to call my bum a troublemaker?’

  ‘Easy, Eleanor,’ said Zack. ‘That’s all in the past now.’

  ‘And in case you hadn’t noticed, chucklehead,’ said Eleanor. ‘So are we! We’re stuck here without a map and now, thanks to your bum, no guide either!’

  ‘Negative,’ sai
d Robobum. ‘That is not correct. I can act as your guide.’

  ‘But you’ve never been here before,’ said Eleanor. ‘You might have a BPS* system, but there are no satellites here—they haven’t been invented yet. So as far as I can figure you’re as lost as the rest of us.’

  ‘Negative,’ said Robobum. ‘Although my BPS is currently not functioning, I am equipped with many other features. Let me remind you that I am Robobum. Fully riveted reinforced steel cheeks. Turbo-assisted jet repulsion units. Nuclear wart-head equipped . . .’

  ‘Spare us the details,’ interrupted Eleanor.

  ‘As you please,’ said Robobum, undaunted by Eleanor’s abruptness. ‘My sensors indicate an abnormal concentration of methane in the mountainous region to our north-east. I believe this is where the Crack of Doom will be found.’

  ‘How can you be sure?’ said Ned. ‘With all these prehistoric bums running around, wouldn’t there be an abnormal concentration of methane over the entire planet?’

  ‘The molecular signature of this particular methane is almost identical to that emitted by the Great White Bum,’ said Robobum. I believe there is a 95 per cent probability of it belonging to a large number of the same types of Great White Bum. Furthermore, it almost exactly corresponds with coordinates of where the arseteroid that wiped out life on Earth hit. Given that all but one of the Great White Bumosaurs was destroyed in that impact it strongly suggests this is the spot.’

  ‘All right then,’ said Zack. ‘What are we waiting for?’

  Eleanor shrugged.

  Ned nodded. ‘Proceed to the Crack of Doom, Robobum,’ he said.

  ‘Affirmative!’ said Robobum, roaring into action. ‘Prepare for lift-off.’

  Zack grabbed a handrail as Robobum rose into the air. But as fast as she had risen, Robobum returned to the ground.

  ‘What’s the matter, Robobum?’ said Ned.

  ‘Sorry,’ said Robobum. ‘I seem to be experiencing some difficulty. Prepare for relaunch.’

  Robobum rose into the air again, higher this time, but only for a few seconds before crashing to the ground once more.