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  LISA: Finished?

  ANDY: Yes.

  LISA: Why, worthy thane, you do unbend your noble strength to think so brainsickly of things. Go get some water and wash this filthy witness from your hand. Why did you bring the dagger from the place? It should have stayed there: take it back and smear the sleeping guards with blood to make it look like they murdered the King!

  ANDY: I’ll go no more. I am afraid to think what I have done; look on it again I dare not.

  LISA: Infirm of purpose! Do I have to do everything myself? Give me the dagger.

  [Andy hands it to her blade-first.]

  Ouch! How many times do I have to tell you? Handle first!

  ANDY: Sorry!

  LISA: The sleeping and the dead are but as pictures: ’tis the eye of childhood that fears a painted devil.

  [Lisa exits. Someone knocks at the castle gates.]

  ANDY: What is that knocking? How is’t with me, when every noise appals me?

  [He stares at his blood-soaked hands as if they don’t belong to him.]

  What hands are here? Ha! They pluck out mine eyes! Will all great Neptune’s ocean wash this blood clean from my hand? No, this my hand will rather the multitudinous seas incarnadine, making the green sea red!

  [Lisa comes in, carrying a bucket of water.]

  LISA: My hands are of your colour, but I shame to wear a heart so white. I hear a knocking at the south gate!

  [The knocking continues.]

  You go and answer it. I’ll retire to our chamber.

  [Andy heads off to answer the door, his hands still dripping with blood.]

  LISA: Andy!

  ANDY: What?

  LISA: [holds up her hands] Duh!

  ANDY: [stares at his hands] Oh …

  [They kneel and wash their hands in the bucket.]

  LISA: A little water clears us of this deed: how easy is it, then!

  [The knocking gets louder.]

  Hark! More knocking. Go and answer the door! Be not lost so poorly in your thoughts.

  ANDY: To know my deed, ’twere best not know myself. Come to think of it, I’m not sure I do know myself anymore. I’ve discovered some disturbing things about myself tonight.

  [More knocking.]

  Wake Duncan with thy knocking!

  I would thou couldst!

  8

  Confusion’s

  masterpiece

  The courtyard of Macbeth’s castle. Lennox and Macduff the Gnome enter.

  LENNOX: [bows] Lennox, at your service.

  MACDUFF THE GNOME: Macduff the Gnome, at your service.

  ANDY: Who said that?

  MACDUFF THE GNOME: Me! Down here!

  ANDY: [startled, looks down] Oh … there you are. [aside] Ugh! I hate garden gnomes. They creep me out!

  MACDUFF THE GNOME: Sorry I can’t bow, but I can’t bend in the middle. I’m made of concrete.

  ANDY: Never mind. Good morning to you all!

  LENNOX: There’s nothing good about this morning, sir! Or the night!

  ANDY: You’re telling me! I didn’t get a wink of sleep. I had to kill the …

  LENNOX: Kill the what, my lord?

  ANDY: Um … kill the … kill the karaoke when I did, otherwise nobody would have got any sleep at all.

  MACDUFF THE GNOME: Is the King stirring, worthy thane?

  ANDY: Not yet—and probably not for some time, actually.

  MACDUFF THE GNOME: He did command me to call timely on him: I have almost slipped the hour.

  ANDY: I’ll bring you to the corpse … I mean—the King! Here is the door.

  MACDUFF THE GNOME: I’ll make so bold to call, for ’tis my limited service.

  [Macduff the Gnome exits.]

  LENNOX: Goes the King hence today?

  ANDY: He does … well, he did before I … um … well he definitely will go … somewhere …

  LENNOX: Are you all right, my lord?

  ANDY: Rough night, I guess.

  LENNOX: [with a very heavy Scottish accent] Aye! The night has been unruly. Where we lay, our chimneys were blown down, and, as they say, lamentings heard in the air, strange screams of death, and prophesying with accents terrible …

  ANDY: You can say that again!

  LENNOX: accents terrible … of dire combustion and confused events new-hatched to the woeful time: the obscure bird clamoured the live-long night. Some say the earth was feverous and did shake. My young remembrance cannot parallel a fellow to it.

  ANDY: [utterly baffled] Yes. Definitely.

  [Macduff the Gnome comes back in.]

  MACDUFF THE GNOME: O, horror, horror, horror! Tongue nor heart cannot conceive nor name thee!

  ANDY & LENNOX: What’s the matter?

  MACDUFF THE GNOME: Confusion now hath made his masterpiece. Most sacrilegious murder hath broke open the Lord’s anointed temple, and stole thence the life of the building!

  ANDY: What is it you say? The life?

  MACDUFF THE GNOME: The life of the building!

  LENNOX: Mean you his majesty?

  MACDUFF THE GNOME: Approach the chamber and destroy your sight with a new Gorgon. Do not bid me speak: see, and then speak yourselves.

  [Andy and Lennox exit.]

  Awake, awake!

  Ring the alarum bell. Murder and treason!

  Banquo and Malcolm, awake! Shake off this downy sleep, death’s counterfeit, and look on death itself! Up, up, and see the great doom’s image! Malcolm, Banquo, as from your graves rise up and walk like sprites to countenance this horror! Ring the bell!

  [A bell rings. Lisa enters.]

  LISA: What’s the business, that such a hideous trumpet calls to parley the sleepers of the house? Speak, speak!

  MACDUFF THE GNOME: Oh, gentle lady, ’tis not for you to hear what I can speak: the repetition in a woman’s ear would murder as it fell.

  LISA: Who said that?

  MACDUFF THE GNOME: Me! Down here!

  LISA: Oh, sorry, I didn’t see you down there.

  MACDUFF THE GNOME: Don’t feel bad. Nobody ever does.

  [Danny enters.]

  DANNY: What’s all the shouting about?

  MACDUFF THE GNOME: O Banquo, Banquo!

  DANNY: Who said that?

  MACDUFF THE GNOME: Me! Down here!

  [Danny looks down and sees Macduff.]

  Our royal master’s murdered.

  LISA: Woe, alas! What, in our house?

  DANNY: Too cruel, anywhere. Dear Duff, I prithee contradict thyself And say it is not so.

  [Lennox and Andy come back in.]

  ANDY: Had I but died an hour before this chance, I had lived a blessed time, for from this instant there’s nothing serious in mortality: all is but toys: renown and grace is dead. The wine of life has been drunk, and all that is left is the dregs.

  [Malcolm enters, blowing his own trumpet.]

  MALCOLM: What is amiss?

  MACDUFF THE GNOME: Your royal father’s murdered.

  MALCOLM: Who said that?

  MACDUFF THE GNOME: Me!

  MALCOLM: [looks down] Sorry, I didn’t see you down there.

  MACDUFF THE GNOME: Join the club. But enough about me. Your dad’s been murdered.

  MALCOLM: Oh, by whom?

  ANDY: Not me!

  LISA: Me neither.

  MACDUFF THE GNOME: Nobody suggested that it was either of you!

  LENNOX: The guards, as it seemed, had done it: their hands and faces were covered with blood, so were their daggers, which unwiped we found upon their pillow. They stared and were distracted: no man’s life was to be trusted with them.

  ANDY: O, yet I do repent me of my fury, that I did kill them.

  LISA: You killed them?

  MACDUFF THE GNOME: You killed the King’s bodyguards?

  ANDY: Yes.

  MACDUFF THE GNOME: Wherefore did you so?

  ANDY: Who can be wise, amazed, temperate and furious, loyal and neutral in a moment? No man. Th’ expedition of my violent love outrun the pauser, reason. Here lay Dunc
an, his silver skin laced with his golden blood, and his gashed stabs looked like a breach in nature for ruin’s wasteful entrance; there the murderers, steeped in the colours of their trade, their daggers unmannerly breeched with gore. Who could refrain, that had a heart to love, and in that heart courage to make his love known?

  LISA: [aside] Killing the guards wasn’t part of our plan, but it was quick thinking on Andy’s part. I might have underestimated him. Better give him a hand and do something to distract them all. [pretends to faint] Help me hence, ho!

  MACDUFF THE GNOME: Look to the lady!

  [They catch Lady Macbeth as she falls and carry her out, leaving Malcolm alone.]

  MALCOLM: I’ve got to get out of here. Something is definitely not right. Those guards—if they did it—were put up to it by somebody and whoever it was is no doubt planning to murder me next.

  [He goes to blow his trumpet but thinks the better of it and tiptoes away. Danny, Andy, Lennox and Macduff come back in.]

  DANNY: So what happens now? Does Malcolm become the new king?

  LENNOX: That was Duncan’s wish.

  ANDY: Where is Malcolm?

  MACDUFF THE GNOME: I don’t know ... he was here a minute ago.

  ANDY: That’s a bit suspicious, don’t you think? His father’s murder has just been discovered and he suddenly disappears. It doesn’t look good. You know what I think?

  MACDUFF THE GNOME: That Malcolm killed his father?

  ANDY: Hard to believe, I know, but it looks that way.

  DANNY: But if that’s the case, who’s next in line?

  ANDY: Well, I guess it’s up to me to raise my hand—after all, I am the bravest and most fearless warrior in the land!

  [He mimes the squirrel grip.]

  ALL: All hail, King Macbeth!

  [They all kneel except for Macduff the Gnome.]

  ANDY: Shouldn’t you be kneeling, Macduff?

  MACDUFF THE GNOME: I can’t kneel. I’m made of concrete.

  ANDY: Oh, sorry ... I forgot. [aside] Ugh! I really hate garden gnomes!

  9

  All hail

  the King

  10

  Our Fears

  in Banquo

  Stick deep

  A room in Macbeth’s castle. Danny enters.

  DANNY: It’s not fair. How come Andy gets to be King and I don’t? All the good things happen to him and I just end up where I started ... with nothing—well, except for a son ... who’s older than I am.

  [imitating witches]

  ‘Thou shalt get kings, though thou be none...’ Big deal! My children and grandchildren get to be kings but all I get is to be a soldier in Macbeth’s army. So much to look forward to! Maybe I’ll get sliced open from the bellybutton to the mouth and all my guts will fall out in a big gooey pile.

  It’s no fun being Banquo! Meanwhile, King Andy struts around, everyone bowing and scraping: ‘Yes sire, no sire, three bags full sire!’ He’s taking all this a bit too seriously. Knowing him, he probably really did murder King Duncan just to make the predictions come true. Uh-oh, here he comes.

  [Andy and Lisa, the new King and Queen of Scotland, enter with Lennox.]

  DANNY: [bows] Yes sire, no sire, three bags full sire ...

  ANDY: Get up, Danny.

  LENNOX: Danny? Who is Danny?

  ANDY: Banny ... Bannyquo. It’s my funny name for him.

  DANNY: Sire.

  [He sees Andy’s kilt and starts giggling.]

  ANDY: What be the cause of thy mirth, knave?

  DANNY: You’re wearing a dress, Andy! You look ridiculous!

  LENNOX: Andy? Who is Andy?

  ANDY: Andy ... Mandy ... Macbethy—his funny name for me. [to Danny] It’s not a dress—it’s a kilt!

  DANNY: Sure, just keep telling yourself that, Andrea!

  LENNOX: Andrea? Who is Andrea?

  LISA: That’s my middle name.

  [Danny lifts the hem of Andy’s kilt.]

  DANNY: Are they Action Man undies?

  [Lisa bends down to look under Andy’s kilt.]

  LISA: Action Man?

  [Lennox uses his sword to hold up the hem of Andy’s kilt.]

  LENNOX: Action Man? Who is Action Man?

  ANDY: Stop it! All of you! My kilt is private! Now listen up: I have an announcement!

  [Blows his trumpet.]

  Tonight the Queen and I are holding a formal banquet and we’d like you to be the guest of honour, Banquo.

  DANNY: I’ll just check my diary and see if I’m free.

  [He takes a diary out of his pocket and opens it.]

  ANDY: Are you kidding?

  DANNY: Yes, just jesting, sire.

  ANDY: Very funny. Well? What do you say?

  DANNY: Yes, Your Highness. I do most graciously accept. Because if I don’t you’ll probably kill me … [aside] just like you killed King Duncan.

  ANDY: I beg your pardon? I didn’t hear that last bit.

  DANNY: Oh, nothing.

  ANDY: No, you definitely said something.

  DANNY: It wasn’t important.

  ANDY: Yes it was.

  DANNY: Wasn’t.

  ANDY: Was.

  DANNY: Wasn’t.

  ANDY: Was, was, was, was, a million times more than whatever thou sayest, and besides, I’m the King, so whatever I say is the truth.

  LENNOX: He’s got you there.

  DANNY: Okay, you win. I just said, ‘Yes, Your Highness. I do most graciously accept. Because if I don’t you’ll probably kill … yourself because you’ll be so disappointed and you’ll be dead just like King Duncan.’

  ANDY: Oh, that’s all right then. I thought you said, ‘Because if I don’t you’ll probably kill me … just like you killed King Duncan.’

  DANNY: No, of course not.

  ANDY: Really?

  DANNY: Truly.

  ANDY: Okay then. [aside]There’s something about Banquo’s attitude I don’t like. I think he suspects me of killing King Duncan. I can’t say how I know, I just do. And knowing him, he’s likely to blab. I hate to say it, but I might have to kill him. And while I’m at it I may as well kill his son, too. I haven’t gone through all this just so that his children could be kings.

  [Turning back to address Danny.]

  Ride you this afternoon?

  DANNY: Let me check my diary. [gets it out and checks] Aye, my good lord. With Fleance.

  ANDY: [aside] Excellent! Two birds with the one stone! [to Danny] I wish your horses swift and sure of foot. Farewell!

  [Danny exits. Andy blows his trumpet.]

  Let every man be master of his time until seven at night!

  [Lisa and Lennox exit.]

  To be King is nothing unless I can be sure of remaining King.

  Our fears in Banquo stick deep, and in his royalty of nature reigns that which would be feared.

  But I mustn’t panic: I must keep cool. I’ll rid myself yet of this troublesome fool.

  11

  These terrible

  dreams

  A room in the castle. Lisa and a servant enter.

  LISA: Say to the King, I would attend his leisure for a few words.

  SERVANT: I will.

  [Servant exits.]

  LISA: Everybody suspects us! Naught’s had, all’s spent, where our desire is got without content: ’tis safer to be that which we destroy than by destruction dwell in doubtful joy.

  [Andy enters.]

  How now, my lord? Why do you keep alone, of sorriest fancies your companions making?

  ANDY: O, full of scorpions is my mind, dear wife! We have scorched the snake, not killed it: the King is in his grave, but Malcolm, Banquo and Fleance are all still very much alive. I wish we’d never—

  LISA: You must leave thinking like this! Things without all remedy should be without regard: what’s done is done.

  ANDY: Danny knows.

  LISA: What are you talking about?

  ANDY: He knows what we did.

  LISA: How did he find out? Did you tell hi
m?

  ANDY: No! He figured it out for himself.

  LISA: Drat your meddling best friend! Do you think he’ll tell anyone?

  ANDY: Knowing Danny, yes. He’s got a very big mouth. Better we were at peace like Duncan than to live in this torture: to have to eat our meals in fear and sleep in the affliction of these terrible dreams that shake us nightly.