Just Doomed! Read online

  THE END

  3

  You watch as Danny, still fast asleep, stumbles around a bit more and then walks out of the room. You get up and follow him. He walks down the hall into the kitchen and heads towards the fridge. Typical Danny, you think, even when he’s asleep he’s hungry. But to your surprise he walks right past the fridge and heads towards the key rack just inside the back door. He reaches up and takes down a set of car keys. Then he lets himself out and walks towards the garage. Uh-oh. Sleepwalking is one thing, but sleepdriving is quite another. You run after him. He enters the garage, opens the car, gets into the driver’s seat and starts the engine.

  * If you figure that sleepdriving is probably going to be more hazardous to Danny’s health than the risk of waking him while sleepwalking and so decide to wake him, go to 4.

  * If you decide that waking him is too risky and that a true friend would get into the passenger seat to help him drive—after all, his eyes are shut—go to 5.

  4

  You shake Danny by the shoulder. ‘Wake up!’ you yell. ‘You’re trying to drive a car in your sleep!’ Danny wakes up. But the shock kills him. He dies. Gee, you just don’t learn, do you?! You are arrested and tried, found guilty of having woken a sleepwalker and are sentenced to prison for life. While in prison your sleep is haunted by dreams of Danny and the guilt causes you to sleepwalk around your cell. Your cellmate wakes you up. The shock kills you. You die.

  THE END

  5

  You get into the car with Danny and close the passenger-side door. Danny wastes no time. He plants his foot on the accelerator and takes off down the driveway at an incredible speed. You barely have enough time to wrench the steering wheel down hard right to avoid smashing into the house on the opposite side of the road. Which is good … but also bad because now you’re travelling down the road at 80 kilometres an hour … and you’re in a 50-kilometre zone! You see a cat crossing the road in front of you. You are about to swerve to the right to avoid running over it when you realise that to do so would mean an almost certain head-on collision with a petrol tanker coming the other way. To swerve or not to swerve? That is the question!

  * If you choose to run over the cat rather than risk a head-on collision, go to 6.

  * If you choose to avoid running over the cat by swerving onto the other side of the road, go to 7.

  6

  You don’t swerve. You hear and feel a thump—the unmistakeable sound and feel of a cat being run over by a car. It’s bad enough to run over a cat at any time, but what makes this even worse is that you’re in a really rough part of the neighbourhood and the tough cat is wearing a spiky collar. One of these spikes pierces the front tyre. The puncture causes the car to veer sharply across the road and crash head-on into the petrol tanker. The resulting fireball incinerates the car. And Danny. And you. You die.

  THE END

  7

  You swerve to avoid running over the cat, but now you’re heading straight towards the petrol tanker! But only for a moment because, luckily, the tanker swerves onto the other side of the road to avoid you! Unfortunately, though, it runs over the cat. You pass the tanker and then steer the car back onto the right side of the road and continue hurtling at breakneck speed through the night. The road curves up ahead. There are two large glass-fronted shops on the corner—one is called Bras ’n’ Stuff. You’ve never been in there, but you’re guessing they sell bras and stuff. Next to it is a shop called Lights ’n’ Stuff. In the window is an impressive chandelier with a $17,500 price tag. Unfortunately, however, you’re travelling too fast to take the corner. You’re going to crash into one of the shops, there’s no question about that … the question is which one are you going to choose to smash into?

  * If you choose to smash into Bras ’n’ Stuff, go to 8.

  * If you choose to smash into Lights ’n’ Stuff, go to 9.

  8

  The car crashes into Bras ’n’ Stuff, drives through and out the other side. The car is covered in bras and other stuff, including stockings and underpants. There is so much stuff, in fact, that you can’t even see through the windscreen. You turn on the windscreen wipers. They clear the windscreen … just in time for you to see the gates of the minimum-security women’s prison moments before you crash through them. The sound of the crash wakes up the prisoners and they come streaming out of their cells. Having only had access to boring, prison-issue underwear for so long, the fashion-starved women go crazy fighting over all the bras, stockings, underpants and other stuff. You and Danny are ripped apart in the frenzy. You die.

  THE END

  9

  The car crashes into Lights ’n’ Stuff, drives through and out the other side, but you’re travelling much slower than before. There’s a grinding noise coming from the back of the car. You turn around in your seat to see that the noise is the sound of a $17,500 crystal chandelier being dragged along the road! It’s attached to the car’s bumper and is leaving a sparkling trail of crystal pieces behind you—an easy trail for the police to follow, and at this speed you’re an easy catch. On the other hand, the fact that you’re travelling a little slower is good because you’re approaching a twenty-four hour drive-thru Fast Burger restaurant and all this excitement has made you hungry.

  * If you climb out of the car to unhook the chandelier from the bumper, go to 10.

  * If you leave the chandelier where it is for just a little while longer and use the car phone to call through an order to Fast Burger, go to 11.

  10

  Doing your best Spiderman impression you climb out the window and make your way across the roof of the car. Using the roof rack to anchor your feet, you lower yourself down to unhook the chandelier. Unfortunately, you lower yourself down a little too far and your face scrapes against the road and the front half of your head is ground into a trail of raw face-mince, which attracts a pack of stray dogs that not only run along behind the car eating your trail of face, but eventually catch up to the car and eat the rest of your head too. You die.

  THE END

  11

  You order burgers, fries and shakes for two and hope that Fast Burger are as fast as they like to boast. Luckily they are. You help Danny steer the car into the drive-thru and—without stopping—hurl a handful of coins at the cashier and he hurls your burgers, fries and shakes into the car. There’s not much left of the chandelier now and the car is picking up speed again. You shove a burger into your mouth with your left hand while helping Danny steer (and eat) with your right.

  This isn’t such a bad little adventure after all, you think. Your mum never lets you have Fast Burger—she says it’s artery-clogging heart-attack food. Seconds after you have this thought you break out in a cold sweat and feel a strange pain in your chest that you’ve never felt before.

  * If you panic and seek medical help, go to 12.

  * If you ignore the pain and keep steering, go to 13.

  12

  You manage to steer the car to the nearest hospital but Danny doesn’t slow down, so you open the door and jump out. You crash-roll through the doors of the emergency department. The doctors take one look at your junk-food swollen body and order an immediate operation. They cut you open and remove as much of the Fast Burger meal as possible. But one of the fries gets away. Its saturated-fat content is enough to completely flood the bodies of twenty large adults with dangerous artery-clogging fat. Your poor average-sized young person’s body doesn’t stand a chance. Your arteries clog. Your heart stops beating. The last thing you hear is your mother’s voice saying, ‘I told you that Fast Burger rubbish was no good for you.’ You die.

  THE END

  13

  You ignore the pain. You’ve just taken a hit of artery-clogging saturated fat that would have killed a lesser person but you just suck it up and get on with steering the car. Which is not to say it doesn’t hurt. You close your eyes for a moment. But that moment is long enough for Danny to drive the car off the road and down the banks of a lake. The next t
hing you know you’re speeding towards a boat ramp. You brace yourself. The car hits the water and rapidly begins to sink. Danny, however, keeps his foot planted on the accelerator and—incredibly—the car continues driving along the bottom of the lake. You figure that you’ll probably be okay as long as you keep the windows closed. But then you see Danny reaching to open his. You try to stop him by pressing the window-lock button before he can open his window.

  * If you are too slow and Danny opens his window before you can press the window-lock button, go to 14.

  * If you manage to press the window-lock button before Danny can open his window, go to 15.

  14

  Danny opens his window. The car rapidly fills with water. And piranhas. You’re drowning and the piranhas are eating you alive but you don’t give up hope—you keep fighting. Then the car explodes. (Don’t ask why … it just does.) You die.

  THE END

  15

  Danny tries to open his window but can’t because it’s locked. You drive safely across the bottom of the lake and up and out the other side. The good news is that you’ve lost the chandelier and the car is going fast again. The bad news is that you are now going so fast that you’re driving at twice the legal speed limit—right past a police car. The police come after you, lights flashing and sirens blaring. You figure that it would be a good idea to pull over but you can’t because Danny has his foot pressed hard on the accelerator. You go over a small rise and see a dirt road off to your left. If you’re quick you can take the road and give the police the slip. You take your chance. You are now heading down a dark, spooky road overhung with branches. In the distance is a sign. It says: CEMETERY ENTRANCE AHEAD.

  * If you’re creeped out by cemeteries so you try to turn the car around and head back to the highway, go to 16.

  * If you’re creeped out by cemeteries but would rather drive into one than risk getting caught by the police, go to 17.

  16

  You try to turn around but you are going too fast. The car flips over and rolls and rolls and rolls right through the cemetery gates until it is brought to a sudden, violent stop by a massive headstone. You look at the headstone. It has your name on it. That’s freaky, you think. It is your last thought. You die.

  THE END

  17

  You drive into the cemetery. A bunch of brain-eating zombies are having a dance party. You smash right into the middle of them. They scatter like bowling pins, except for one who ends up on the roof of your car. He’s banging on the roof yelling, ‘Brains! Brains! I want brains!’ The poor zombie doesn’t realise that, between the pair of you, Danny and yourself barely have two brain cells to rub together. But without ripping your heads open he can’t possibly know that. So he keeps pounding and pounding and yelling for brains while you keep swerving the car from side to side, trying to shake him loose.

  * If you manage to shake the zombie loose, go to 18.

  * If the zombie stays on the car, go to 19.

  18

  The zombie is thrown off the roof of the car, hits a tree, bounces off it and crashes through the driver’s side window into the car. The zombie rips your head open and eats your brains. (Well, what little there is of them.) Your last thought as the brain-eating zombie plunges its hand into your skull is how much he looks like your sister, Jen. You wish you had time to call her and share this final thought. But you don’t. You die.

  THE END

  19

  Despite your swerving you can’t shake the zombie off the roof of the car. Eventually you end up back on a main road. There is a twenty-four-hour automatic car wash up ahead … which is exactly what you need! You steer into the car wash and the car locks into position on the conveyor belt. There are three settings to choose from: Regular wash, Super wash and Brain-eating-zombie-removal wash.

  * If you select Regular wash, go to 20.

  * If you select Super wash, go to 21.

  * If you select Brain-eating-zombie-removal wash, go to 22.

  20

  You select Regular wash. What are you? Some kind of moron? Sure, it gets the car nice and clean but it doesn’t remove the brain-eating zombie—which, in case you’ve forgotten, was the main point of the exercise. But it’s too late now. The brain-eating zombie smashes through the windscreen, rips your head open and eats your brains. (Well, what little there is of them.) Your last thought as the brain-eating zombie plunges its hand into your skull is how much he looks like your sister, Jen. You wish you had time to call her and share this final thought. But you don’t. You die.

  THE END

  21

  You select Super wash. What are you? Some kind of super moron? Sure, it gets the car super nice and clean but it doesn’t remove the brain-eating zombie—which, in case you’ve forgotten, was the main point of the exercise. But it’s too late now. The brain-eating zombie smashes through the windscreen, rips your head open and eats your brains. (Well, what little there is of them.) Your last thought as the brain-eating zombie plunges its hand into your skull is how much he looks like your sister, Jen. You wish you had time to call her and share this final thought. But you don’t. You die.

  THE END

  22

  You select Brain-eating-zombie-removal wash. Congratulations on your fine choice! It costs a little extra but, given that you’ve got a brain-eating zombie on the roof, it’s definitely worth it. The car is blasted by water, detergents, brushes, zombie lasers and rotating blades; the zombie gets drenched, cleaned, decapitated and washed off the roof of the car. You steer the car out of the car wash and back onto the road. Despite this having been the most terrifying ride of your life, you’re feeling pretty good. Not only did you get rid of that pesky brain-eating zombie but the car is now really clean. Perhaps Danny’s parents will be so pleased with the car they’ll be prepared to overlook the broken bed. That’s if you ever make it back alive. And that’s a big if. Because now you’re heading towards a bridge. It’s one of those bridges that goes up to let tall ships pass through, and as you approach it starts to rise. The lights are flashing and the boom gate is down but Danny is still driving really fast. You smash through the gate and you’re rocketing up the bridge at a 45-degree angle. The g-force is amazing—you can pretty much guess how astronauts feel as they take off … Actually, you don’t have to guess at all, BECAUSE YOU REALLY ARE TAKING OFF! The car runs out of bridge but continues travelling up, up, up … leaving the bridge and the ground far, far, far below …

  * If the car continues heading upwards, go to 23.

  * If the car starts falling back towards the ground, go to 24.

  23

  You keep going faster and faster and faster until you reach escape velocity. Your car leaves the planet, shoots off into space and travels for 1600 light years until it—and everything in it—is sucked into a black hole. You suffer spaghettification—the vertical stretching and horizontal compression of your body into a long thin shape due to exposure to an extreme gravitational force—and, yes, you guessed it: you die.

  THE END

  24

  Up, up, up you go, but not for long, because then the car starts falling down, down, down … but you know, that’s not such a bad thing. You can see your neighbourhood … and there’s Danny’s house. Amazingly, you manage to steer the car back down through the air and bring it in for a perfect landing in Danny’s driveway. And, incredibly, at exactly that moment Danny puts his foot on the brake and brings the car to a gentle stop—right in the garage. He switches off the engine, takes the keys out of the ignition, gets out and walks back inside the house. You follow him. He replaces the keys on the rack and goes down the hallway to his bedroom. By the time you get there, he’s already lying on the floor, fast asleep.

  You lie down, nerves jangling, heart racing. But just as you are starting to calm down, you hear a noise. It’s Danny. He’s moving around the room. Oh no! He’s sleepwalking again!!!

  * If you decide to be a good friend and get up to look after him again, go to 25.
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br />   * If you decide enough is enough and just roll over and go to sleep, go to 26.

  25

  You get up and follow him. But this time, to your utter relief, he doesn’t go sleepdriving. He simply goes to the kitchen, opens the fridge and starts sleepsnacking. You follow the sleepsnacking Danny back to his bedroom. You both sleep peacefully for the rest of the night. You wake in the morning, surprisingly refreshed despite your terrifying experience, but when you go into the kitchen for breakfast Danny’s father is furious. He has found a scratch on his car and demands to know how it got there. You tell him the whole story and point out that although the car has a scratch on it at least it’s nice and clean and nobody died. Unfortunately, Danny’s father is too angry about the scratch to listen to your explanation or appreciate what a hero and good friend you are and in his fury rips you and Danny apart, limb from limb. You die.

  THE END

  26

  This time you can’t be bothered following Danny or steering the car. After all, haven’t you already done more for Danny than most best friends would ever be called on to do in a whole lifetime? If Danny is so keen to go sleepdriving then it’s his funeral, not yours. But that’s where you’re wrong. Without you at the wheel Danny is not only sleepdriving but he’s driving blind. You hear the car start up but you just roll over and close your eyes. Your fourth-last thought is, ‘That sounds like a car crashing into the house.’ Your third-last thought is, ‘That sounds like a car driving up the stairs.’ Your second-last thought is, ‘That sounds like a car driving into the bedroom.’ Your very last thought is, ‘That sounds like a car about to drive over my head!’ Danny drives the car over your head. You die. If you could still think after you’re dead, you would think, ‘This is the worst sleepover ever.’ But you can’t. You’re dead.