Bumageddon: The Final Pongflict Read online

  Marbleton

  Large country town named in honour of its annual marble-playing festival. The town is credited with the invention of modern marble-playing.

  Maurice

  Toadying servant of the Prince.

  Methane madness

  Delirium caused by exposure to high levels of methane. May cause hallucinations, visions, aggression, sudden mood swings, headaches and vomiting. Can be relieved with pure oxygen.

  Mittens

  Mabel Freeman’s cat.

  Moby Dick

  Fictional Great White Whale from the famous nineteenth-century novel of the same name by Herman Melville. See Great White Bum, The.

  Mutant Maggot Lord, The

  An exceptionally charming ex-human being (AKA the Kisser) who, despite having his physical form mutated beyond recognition as a result of prolonged exposure to the extreme toxicity of a brown lake inside a bumcano, and then being eaten by giant mutant zombie maggots and regurgitated by giant mutant zombie blowflies and piecing himself together again, retains his persuasive powers.

  Mutant Mutant Zombie Blowfly Spew Lord, The

  See Mutant Maggot Lord, The.

  Mutant Spew Lord, The

  See Mutant Maggot Lord, The.

  Mutant Spew Lord puddle

  Remains of the Mutant Spew Lord after escaping from the vacuum cleaner.

  Nailgun Series 9000

  A popular bum-gun that fires high-velocity nails at its target (usually a bum). The 9000 series was notable for the innovation of using rusty nails capable of delivering a shot of tetanus as well as intense pain.

  Ned Smelly

  Bum-fighter who lives in the Great Windy Desert. Instrumental in helping to derail the Great White Bum’s plan to gas the world by means of a deadly bumcano. Brilliant inventor of Robobum.

  Needleweeds

  Weeds that look and feel like a cluster of sewing needles. The only plant tough enough to grow in the Great Windy Desert. May be eaten, but can cause excessive body odour, amongst other side effects.

  Nuclear wart-head

  Rough lump with explosive power.

  Origins of the Univarse, The

  Controversial bestseller by Sir Roger Francis Rectum in which he sets forth his theory of bumolution.

  Party pooper

  1) Somebody who spoils the fun. 2) Popular party game for bums.

  Past future present

  A present moment that you experienced in the future but which is now in your past. NB: This is an extremely complex concept to get your head around and to be honest, not really worth the trouble unless you’re planning to do a lot of time travel in the near future. Or the near past. Or the distant future. Or the distant past, as the case may be. See future present, past present, present, present present.

  Past present

  A present moment that you experienced in the past. See future present, past future present, present, present present.

  Perambulic merimbulator

  The most important and complex component of a time machine, although they can be made from a Milo tin and an old mattress spring if you are a brilliant inventor like Ned Smelly.

  Percy Freeman

  Zack Freeman’s grandfather. Legendary bum-fighter, highly skilled in the art of toilet-paper-to-bum combat, AKA the Wiper. Co-founder, along with Mabel Freeman, of modern bum-fighting. Unfortunately wiped out by Stenchgantor, the Great Unwiped Bum.

  Pincher, The

  Legendary bum-fighter highly skilled in the art of forefinger-and-thumb-to-bum combat. Founding member of the world’s first bum-fighting team, Mabel’s Angels.

  Pongflict

  Any conflict involving bums. See Final Pongflict, The.

  Poopasaur

  Big, lumbering and deadly. Lives in marsh and primeval bumnut-tree forests. Avoid.

  Poopigator

  Just like an alligator, except browner. And smellier. Avoid.

  Prehistoric stinkant nest

  Where prehistoric stinkants live. A typical colony can consist of up to 200,000 prehistoric stinkants and can have anywhere between 10,000 and 20,000 food and egg chambers. Avoid. See stinkants.

  Prehistoric stinkants

  Just like regular stinkants except much, much bigger. A void. See prehistoric stinkant nest.

  Present

  The present moment in which no past moments or future moments exist. See future present, past future present, past present, present present.

  Present present

  The present moment you are presently experiencing in the present moment. See future present, past future present, past present, present.

  Prince, The

  A bum with a very high opinion of itself. Toadying servant of the Great White Bum.

  Robobum

  State-of-the-art robotic bum designed to look like a Great White Bum. Fully riveted reinforced steel cheeks. Turbo-assisted jet repulsion units. Nuclear wart-head equipped. Matter transport assisted entry and exit. Inside and outside voice options. Onboard tea- and coffee-making facilities. Also self-wiping. Invented by Ned Smelly.

  Robospeak

  To speak in a robotic manner.

  Sea of Bums, The

  A large inland sea teeming with aquatic bum-life. Many scientists believe that life on Earth originated in the Sea of Bums with single-cheek bum life forms.

  Self-wiping

  A highly desirable feature of both natural and artificial bums. See false bum.

  Silas Sterne

  Legendary bum hunter dedicated to hunting and killing the Great White Bum. Founder of Silas Sterne’s Bum-fighting Academy.

  Silas Sterne’s Bum-fighting Academy

  Founded by Silas Sterne in order to give rookie bum-fighters a solid grounding in the theory and practice of professional bum-fighting. It offers an initial three-month training course for a basic bum-fighter’s certificate. Recruits can then go on to receive more advanced training and specialise in one or more particular bum-fighting techniques such as kicking, punching and smacking.

  Simulated bum-fighting

  See Bum-fighting simulator.

  Sir Roger Francis Rectum

  Author of The Origins of the Univarse—a controversial book in which Sir Roger set out his theory of bumolution. Also author of What Bumosaur is That?

  Smacker, The

  Legendary bum-fighter highly skilled in the art of hand-to-bum combat. Member of the famous B-team.

  S. McKerr’s Bakery

  Marbleton bakery run by S. McKerr. Famous for her ultra-big ultra-soft buns.

  Soap

  A bum-fighter’s best friend. (NB: The first rule of bum-fighting is to always wash your hands afterwards.)

  Stenchgantor

  Also known as the Great Unwiped Bum, it is the ugliest, dirtiest, wartiest, pimpliest, grossest, greasiest, hairiest, stinkiest bum in the entire world. Or, at least it was, until Zack Freeman outstenched it with a pair of very smelly socks. The only bum known to have a nostril rather than an eye. Avoid.

  Stinkant juice

  Thick greasy liquid obtained from stinkants. Used for a variety of purposes, most commonly as fuel for robotic bums and bum-mobiles. One of the most powerful fuel sources in the world. Highly sought-after.

  Stinkant-napped

  To be kidnapped by prehistoric stinkants.

  Stinkants

  Small red ants with a great big stink. The only creature tough enough to survive—and thrive—in the Great Windy Desert. Some varieties bite. May be eaten but can cause flatulence and serious body odour. See prehistoric stinkant nest, prehistoric stinkants.

  Stinkbog

  Area where a thick, sticky, stinky bog accumulates, trapping those animals, bums and bum-fighters unlucky enough to fall into it and become preserved for future generations to laugh at. Avoid.

  Stink Kong

  Very large, very clumsy, very smelly, very stupid, very ugly bumosaur. Mortal enemy of the Great White Bum. Avoid.

  Temporal navigator

  Device used f
or navigating bum-mobiles through time.

  Tricerabutt

  Extraordinarily bad-tempered three-cheeked bumosaur with bony armour plating and a tusk-like wart growing out of each cheek. Avoid.

  Twin-tyrannosore-arse attack

  Attack by two tyrannosore-arses working as a team. Avoid.

  Tyrannosore-arse

  Large fierce flesh-eating bumosaur notable for the extreme redness and soreness of its enormous cheeks. Avoid.

  Univarse

  Everything that you can possibly think of plus everything that you can’t. There are many theories about how the univarse began, but the truth is that most of the theories are just that. Theories. All that can be said for certain is that in the beginning there was a bum.

  Uranus

  Planet 2.871 billion kilometres from the Sun. It has seventeen known moons and eleven rings. Uranus’s surface is an ocean of liquid methane which gives the planet a beautiful blue colour. NB: Extreme caution must be taken with the pronunciation of this planet’s name to avoid potential confusion and embarrassment.

  Vacuum cleaner

  Electrical appliance that cleans surfaces by sucking dirt into a bag or plastic container. Also good for sucking up mutant puddles.

  Wart-horns

  Warts that have grown so big and hard that they’ve turned into tusks. Avoid. See Tricerabutt.

  What Bumosaur is That?

  Respected field guide to identifying and classifying all forms of bumosaurs. Written, illustrated and published by Sir Roger Francis Rectum.

  Wiper, The

  See Percy Freeman.

  World bumination

  Total domination of the world by bums.

  Zack Freeman

  A twelve-year-old boy who lived a perfectly ordinary life until two months after his twelfth birthday when his bum ran away. To his utter surprise he discovered that he was an extraordinarily talented bum-fighter. He immediately put this talent to good use by saving the world from total bumbliteration. Twice. You can read all about his heroic deeds in ‘The Day My Bum Went Psycho’ and ‘Zombie Bums from Uranus’. His grandmother, Mabel Freeman, was the inventor of modern bum-fighting. His parents, James and Judi Freeman, were secret bum-fighting agents. And Zack Freeman’s bum was the next best thing to a lethal weapon. Together Zack and his bum formed a crack bum-fighting team and, with the help of Eleanor Sterne, a fierce bum-fighter in her own right, they were practically unbeatable.

  Zack Freeman’s bum

  Bad, disobedient, argumentative, opinionated, cheeky, brave, resourceful, smart, cowardly, sensitive, kind, mean, romantic, stupid, and very very smelly.

  Zack Freeman’s parents

  See James and Judi Freeman.

  Zombie bum

  A bum that is neither dead nor fully alive. Zombie bums feel no pain, have no thoughts or feelings, and possess incredible powers of regeneration, which make them almost impossible to destroy. Driven to zombie-bummify potential victims, their only known weaknesses are extreme heat and a fondness for the hokey pokey. Avoid.

  Zombie-bummification

  Parasitic attachment of a zombie bum to a victim’s real (or artificial) bum. Turns the victim into an eating machine that exists for the sole purpose of making the zombie bum bigger and fatter than it already is. When the host is exhausted the zombie bum will simply abandon him or her and move on in search of a new victim.

  Zombie-bummified

  See zombie-bummification.

  Zombie-bumvasion

  Invasion of a place—or entire planet—by zombie bums.