Just Disgusting! Page 7
DEADFLYELLA: [sucking it up with her proboscis] Alas, poor me.
[There is a loud buzzing noise. Enter Deadflyprince and Deadflyprince’s servant.]
DEADFLYPRINCE’S SERVANT: HEAR YE! HEAR YE!
DEADFLYSTEPSISTER #2: Stop shouting, we’re not deaf.
DEADFLYPRINCE’S SERVANT: Sorry. Hear ye! Hear ye! Whoever’s foot fits the dog-pooh slipper will be Deadflyprince’s bride!
DEADFLYSTEPSISTER #1: What did he say? I couldn’t hear a word.
DEADFLYSTEPSISTER #2: Me neither. Buzz a bit louder!
DEADFLYPRINCE’S SERVANT: I said, Hear ye! Hear ye! Whoever’s foot fits the dog-pooh slipper will be Deadflyprince’s bride!
DEADFLYSTEPSISTER #1: ME FIRST!
DEADFLYSTEPSISTER #2: [shoving Deadflystepsister #1 out of the way] NO, ME FIRST!
[They slip up in Deadflystepmother’s puke and fall over.]
DEADFLYPRINCE: [aside] Methinks these are two of the most putrescent daughters of maggots I have ever had the misfortune to lay my compound eyes upon ... even before they slipped up in yon deadfly puke.
DEADFLYSTEPSISTERS: Now look what you’ve made us do, Deadflyella!
DEADFLYELLA: It wasn’t my fault.
DEADFLYSTEPSISTER #1: Shut up and pass me the slipper.
[Deadflyella takes the slipper from the servant and hands it to Deadflystepsister #1. She tries to force it onto one of her feet.]
DEADFLYSTEPSISTER #1: I can’t do it ... it must have shrunk!
DEADFLYSTEPSISTER #2: Here, give it to me! [She snatches it off Deadflystepsister #1 and also tries to force it onto each of her feet, but with no luck.] That’s strange ... they fitted me perfectly last night.
DEADFLYSTEPMOTHER: [vomiting all over the slipper] BLEUGH! BLEUGH!
ALL: Oh gross, deadfly puke!
DEADFLYSTEPSISTER #1: Well, don’t just stare at it, Deadflyella. Eat it up!
DEADFLYELLA: But I haven’t tried the dog-pooh slipper on yet!
DEADFLYSTEPSISTER #1: You? But you’re just a stupid ugly deadfly covered in deadfly puke. Besides, you didn’t even go to the ball.
DEADFLYPRINCE’S SERVANT: She still has to try on the slipper. Orders is orders.
[Hands Deadflyella the slipper. She sucks the deadfly puke off the slipper and puts it onto one of her feet. The slipper fits perfectly.]
DEADFLYPRINCE: [looking deep into Deadflyella’s compound eyes] Methinks it’s a perfect fit! My love, will thou marry me?
DEADFLYELLA: [looking deep into Deadflyprince’s compound eyes] Yes, of course. [Aside] Basically, I’d do anything to get off this filthy deadfly puke covered windowsill.
DEADFLYPRINCE: [again looking deep into Deadflyella’s compound eyes] You’ve made me the happiest deadfly in the world. Come, live with me in the toilet on the highest windowsill in the house. Together, methinks we will make beautiful maggots.
DEADFLYSTEPMOTHER: [vomiting] BLEUGH! BLEUGH!
DEADFLYPRINCE: Oh, gross—methinks I’m going to be sick. [Vomiting] BLEUGH! BLEUGH! Yep, methinks I was right.
DEADFLYPRINCE’S SERVANT: Double gross! Two lots of deadfly puke. Methinks I’m going to be sick as well. [Vomiting] BLEUGH! BLEUGH! Yep, methinks I was right, too.
DEADFLYELLA: Triple gross! [Vomiting]
BLEUGH! BLEUGH! BLEUGH!
DEADFLYSTEPSISTER#l: [vomiting]
BLEUGH! BLEUGH! BLEUGH! BLEUGH!
DEADFLYSTEPSISTER#l: [vomiting]
BLEUGH! BLEUGH! BLEUGH!
BLEUGH! BLEUGH!
DEADFLYSTEPMOTHER: [spurred on by all the general bleughing] BLEUGH! BLEUGH! BLEUGH!
BLEUGH! BLEUGH! BLEUGH!
BLEUGH! BLEUGH! BLEUGH!
BLEUGH! BLEUGH! BLEUGH!
BLEUGH! BLEUGH! BLEUGH!
BLEUGH! BLEUGH! BLEUGH!
BLEUGH! BLEUGH! BLEUGH!
BLEUGH! BLEUGH! BLEUGH!
BLEUGH! BLEUGH! BLEUGH! BLEUGH!
DEADFLYELLA: [to the deadflystepsisters] Well, don’t just stare at it, you two. Eat it up! [Vomiting] BLEUGH! [She exits with Deadflyprince and Deadflyprince’s servant.]
DEADFLYSTEPSISTER #1: Alas, poor us. [Vomiting] BLEUGH!
DEADFLYSTEPSISTER #2: Alas. [Vomiting] BLEUGH!BLEUGH!
THE END
NB: No flies were harmed in the making of this play. They were dead already when I found them. Except for one which was moving its legs a little bit, but it was on its back and I doubt it had long to live anyway.
NNBB: The dead flies in this play are fictitious and any resemblance to real flies, living or dead, is purely coincidental, although, when you think about it, highly likely because all flies look pretty much the same.
A SCI-FI MYSTERY ACTION
THRILLER ADVENTURE ROMANCE NOVEL
BY ANDY GRIFFITHS
DEDICATED TO LISA MACKNEY
CHAPTER 1
Once upon a time there were two boys. One boy was very stupid. His name was Danny. The other boy was brave, handsome, strong, kind, generous and extremely intelligent. His name was Andy.
One day the very stupid boy went to visit Andy in his backyard.
‘I’ve figured out what I’m going to do for my science project,’ said the stupid boy. ‘I’m going to create a SUPER SLUG!’
‘A SUPER SLUG?’ said Andy, looking up from the time machine that he was building out of nothing more than an old cardboard refrigerator box and a few bits and pieces that he’d found in his dad’s shed. (That’s how incredibly intelligent this boy was ... he could do things like that.)
‘Yeah!’ said Danny, with little bits of spit flying from his mouth as they always did when he got excited. ‘A SUPER slug. A really BIG slug. A slug bigger than any slug in the whole world!’
‘Hmmm ...’ said Andy, stroking his chin. ‘Are you sure that’s a good idea? I happen to know quite a lot about slugs and, believe me, you don’t want to mess around with them. Why don’t you help me with my time machine instead? It’s almost finished. We could take it for a spin.’
‘Yeah,’ said the very stupid boy. ‘We could go into the future and see me winning a Nobel prize for my SUPER SLUG.’
Andy shook his head sadly at his very stupid friend’s stupidity.
‘Well,’ said Andy, ‘if I can’t talk you out of it, then at least let me help you. Just in case something goes wrong.’
‘No way,’ said Danny. ‘You’re just jealous! You can’t stand the thought that my science project might be better than your stupid old cardboard box time machine. You just want to muscle in and take all the glory for yourself. I’m going home now. Home to make my SUPER SLUG!’
‘You’ll be sorry!’ said Andy.
CHAPTER 2
‘No, I won’t be,’ said Danny.
CHAPTER 3
‘Yes, you will,’ said Andy.
CHAPTER 4
The next day at school the very stupid boy was very excited. He was clutching a shoebox close to his chest.
‘Bet you want to know what’s in my shoebox,’ he said to the handsome extremely intelligent boy whose name was Andy.
‘Let me guess,’ said Andy. ‘A giant slug?’
‘Got it in one,’ said Danny, opening the lid of the box.
Andy looked inside.
He was amazed.
There, sitting in the shoebox, was the biggest and most disgusting slug he had ever seen. It was at least as big as a sausage. Maybe even bigger.
‘But how?’ said Andy, gasping and gagging. ‘How did you do this?’
The very stupid boy tapped the side of his nose. ‘That’s for me to know and you to find out,’ he said.
‘What are you going to do with it?’ said Andy.
‘Scare girls,’ said Danny. ‘Watch this!’
CHAPTER 5
The stupid boy walked up to a group of girls.
‘Look at my slug,’ he said, taking the lid off the shoebox.
‘AAAAGGGHHHHH !’ screamed the girls when they saw it.
‘Get it away from me!’ screamed one girl.<
br />
‘I think I’m going to be sick!’ screamed another.
‘That’s disgusting,’ said Lisa Mackney—a very beautiful girl who didn’t seem at all worried by the giant slug. ‘Put it away you stupid boy.’
‘Damn,’ said Danny. ‘It’s not working. It’s not big enough.’
‘Yes, it is,’ said Andy. ‘It’s plenty big enough. It’s cruel to keep such a big slug in such a small box. You should let it go.’
‘No way!’ said the very stupid boy. ‘I’ll just get a bigger box. I’ve got to make my slug a lot bigger than this.’
‘You’re being very stupid, Danny,’ said Andy. ‘You’re messing with forces that you don’t understand!’
‘You’re just jealous,’ said Danny, who was an ugly and stupid boy. ‘You just don’t want my slug to beat your stupid cardboard box time machine.’
‘That’s not true, Danny,’ said Andy. ‘Listen to me. I don’t know how you got the slug this big, but if you don’t stop now, you’ll be sorry.’
CHAPTER 6
‘No, I won’t,’ said Danny as he marched away, clutching his shoebox close to his chest.
CHAPTER 7
‘Yes, you will,’ said Andy, shaking his head at Danny’s stupidity.
CHAPTER 8
Over the next few days, Andy worked on his time machine and hoped that Danny—who was a very stupid boy—class="spaceBreak">
CHAPTER 24
The police joined the c the phone rang.
CHAPTER 9
‘Brrrring brrrring!’ rang the telephone. ‘Brrrring brrrring!’
CHAPTER 10
Andy, who was in the middle of screwing the grinoolyscope (which he’d made out of a fork) to the perambulic merimbulator (which he’d made out of a Milo tin and a mattress spring), picked up the telephone.
CHAPTER 11
‘Hello?’ said Andy.
CHAPTER 12
‘Andy!’ said a breathless, very stupid voice on the other end of the telephone. ‘You’ve got to help me! I’m in trouble!’
‘What sort of trouble?’ said Andy.
‘BIG trouble!’ said Danny. ‘Can you get around here now? I don’t have much time!’
‘This wouldn’t have anything to do with the SUPER SLUG, would it?’ said Andy.
‘A A A A A A A G G G G H H H H H H H !’ screamed Danny. And then the phone line went dead.
Andy, who—as well as being handsome and intelligent—was a kind and compassionate boy, got on his bike and rode as fast as he could to the very stupid boy’s house.
CHAPTER 13
‘I knew something like this would happen,’ thought Andy to himself as he rode. ‘I knew that stupid boy was too stupid to do something like this on his own.’
CHAPTER 14
When Andy got to the very stupid boy’s house he heard terrified screams coming from the garage. He waded his way through hundreds and hundreds of empty cans of dog food.
‘So that’s how he did it!’ thought Andy. ‘He’s been feeding the slug dog food!’
At last, waist high in cans, he reached the garage door and pushed it open. Then he saw the most disgusting, terrifying sight imaginable: a SUPER SLUG. An enormous slug whose slimy grey blubbery body seemed to fill the entire garage.
‘Danny? Where are you?’ called Andy.
‘I’m here,’ called Danny. ‘Underneath the workbench. Help me!’
‘How?’ said Andy.
‘Use the pitchfork!’ said Danny.
Andy looked around. There was a pitchfork leaning up against the garage wall. Although he was a very kind boy, and hated to see—or to be—the cause of any animal’s suffering, he picked up the pitchfork and drove it deep into the slug’s hide. Or belly. Or shoulder. Or whatever part of it it was. (It’s hard to tell with a slug.) But the slug hardly reacted at all. Andy pulled the pitchfork out and plunged it into the slug over and over again. With each plunge, great geysers of slug slime spurted out of the slug, but if the slug was worried, it certainly wasn’t showing it.
‘Hurry up,’ called Danny. ‘It’s trying to eat me!’
‘I can’t kill it!’ said Andy, who was completely covered in slug slime. ‘It’s indestructible!’
But luckily Andy, who was not only brave but extremely intelligent, had a brilliant idea.
‘Hang on, Danny,’ he yelled. ‘I’ll be back!’
CHAPTER 15
Andy ran into the house and into the kitchen. He searched the shelves until he found what he was looking for.
CHAPTER 16
A salt shaker!
CHAPTER 17
Because Andy, who was not only brave and extremely intelligent but also very knowledgeable about slugs, knew that slugs HATED salt.
CHAPTER 18
Brilliant!
CHAPTER 19
Andy, who was not only brave, extremely intelligent and very knowledgeable about slugs, but also a very fast runner, was back at the garage in a flash.
‘Suck salt, slug!’ he yelled as he shook the container at the massively mutated mollusc.
The great slug reared upwards in pain, tearing though the metal roof of the garage as if it were no stronger than tissue paper.
‘Quick, Danny,’ yelled Andy over the noise, ‘get out while you can!’
Danny, the very stupid boy, darted out from underneath the bench and through the garage door, just in time. The enormous slug crashed back down on top of the bench, crushing it to splinters.
Danny turned to Andy. ‘That could have been me,’ he said. ‘You saved my life.’
Andy, who was not only brave, extremely intelligent, very knowledgeable about slugs and a very fast runner, but also very modest, just shrugged.
‘Don’t mention it,’ he said.
As Andy spoke the slug broke free of the garage and began sliding towards them.
‘It’s heading straight for us!’ yelled Danny. ‘Stop it!’
‘I can’t!’ said Andy, throwing the salt shaker at the slug. ‘I’m out of salt! Run!’
CHAPTER 20
The two boys ran as fast as they could (which, of course, was much faster for Andy than Danny, as Andy was such a fast runner).
CHAPTER 21
The slug, driven mad by the pain of the salt, chased after them.
CHAPTER 22
The two boys ran down the road, as fast as they could.
CHAPTER 23
The slug followed in hot pursuit, aquaplaning on a wave of slime.
CHAPTER 24
o problems,’ saidhase. They shot at the slug with bullets but the bullets didn’t work. The slug just absorbed them and kept on going.
CHAPTER 25
The army joined the chase. They fired heavy-duty mortar shells from their armoured tanks but the heavy-duty mortar shells didn’t work. The slug just absorbed them and kept on going.
CHAPTER 26
The airforce joined the chase. They dropped nuclear bombs right on top of the slug but the nuclear bombs didn’t work. The slug just absorbed them and kept on going.
CHAPTER 27
‘IT’S NO USE!’ yelled Andy, who in addition to all his other talents was also a qualified field operations commander. ‘YOU NEED TO USE SALT!’
CHAPTER 28
The police started firing salt bullets at the slug. The army started firing heavy duty salt shells at the slug. The airforce dropped nuclear salt bombs on top of the slug. And the slug didn’t like it one little bit. It let out a molluscian roar of pain and disappeared inside an enormous quantity of slug foam.
‘Hooray!’ cheered the police.
‘Hooray!’ cheered the army.
‘Hooray!’ cheered the airforce.
‘Hooray!’ cheered a large group of onlookers.
‘Hooray!’ cheered Danny.
‘You’re under arrest,’ said a policeman to Danny, the very stupid boy. ‘That was the most irresponsible science project in the history of the world.’
‘I tried to tell him that,�
� said Andy, ‘but he wouldn’t listen.’
The policeman turned to Andy. ‘You’re a hero, son,’ he said, ‘and the world owes a debt of gratitude to you.’
‘Thanks,’ said Andy, ‘but the battle isn’t over yet.’
‘What are you talking about?’ said the chief of police.
‘The slug’s not dead,’ said Andy. ‘It’s just gone underground.’
CHAPTER 29
Sure enough, as the bubbles subsided it was just as Andy had predicted—there was no slug. Just an enormous hole in the ground where the slug had been.
‘Quick!’ yelled the police chief. ‘Fill in the hole!’
‘Don’t bother,’ said Andy. ‘It won’t do any good. A slug as big as this will just keep eating and eating and eating. It won’t be satisfied until it’s eaten the whole world from the inside out.’
‘What can we do then?’ asked the chief of police. ‘Tell us!’
‘Nothing,’ said Andy. ‘There is nothing anybody can do. Danny’s irresponsible science project is going to destroy the world.’
CHAPTER 30
Sure enough, as Andy finished speaking, the ground seemed to bubble and boil and splinter into thousands of pieces underneath everybody’s feet.
Many people were swallowed up into the cracks immediately. Cars, tanks, the police, the army and the airforce followed close behind.