What Bumosaur is That? Page 4
Diet: Omnivorarse
Time: Crapaceous 135–65 mya
Stink rating:
Microbumosaurus
The Microbumosaurus was the smallest of all known bumosaurs, but it is classed as belonging to the Gigantosaur family because of its massively putrid, nostril-burning, nausea-inducing, eyebrow-singeing, throat-gagging, lung-collapsing, migraine-making, fever-causing, heart-stopping, blood-curdling, eyeball-popping stink.
With this stink, which is thought to have been caused by its exclusive diet of stinkant juice, it was capable of knocking out—and sometimes even killing—bumosaurs up to 100,000 times its size.
Small in stature, the Microbumosaurus was nevertheless enormous in impact. Some experts even speculate that the exstinktion of the bumosaurs may have been caused by a sudden explosion in the Microbumosaurus population.
VITAL STATISTICS
Scientific name: Pongius maximus
Family: Gigantosaur
Diet: Stinkant-juiceivorarse
Time: Crapaceous 135–65 mya
Stink rating:
Stenchgantorsaurus
The Stenchgantorsaurus was one of the ugliest, dirtiest, wartiest, pimpliest, grossest, greasiest, hairiest and stinkiest of all the bumosaurs.
It is thought that it grew to be so disgusting because it lived such a long life—some specimens have been found that are thought to have had a life span of at least 400 years. And 400 years is a long time for a bum to go without being wiped. As a result, the Stenchgantorsaurus was completely blind and was one of the few bumosaurs to have a highly developed sense of smell, which it used to locate prey.
It was also prone to developing enormarse bum-pimples, which would often burst in spectacular fashion, similar in force and devarsetation to a bumcano eruption.
VITAL STATISTICS
Scientific name: Stenchus gantori
Family: Stenchosaur
Diet: Omnivorarse
Time: Crapaceous 135–65 mya
Stink rating:
Tyrannosore-arse rex versus Tricerabutt
Besides eating and fighting, there was nothing bumosaurs liked better than eating and fighting. And if it was fighting and eating each other, then even better. This illarsestration is an artist’s reconstruction of an actual fight based on fossilised remains of a Tyrannosore-arse rex and a Tricerabutt that died mid-fight when they were buried by a bogslide.
Bumornithids
As competition on the land became ever keener some of the bumosaurs began to take advantage of the thrusting power of their gas emissions and launched themselves into the air. Others supplemented their gas power with large saggy flaps of skin, which they used as primitive wings, and gradually learned to master controlled flight.
BUMADACTYL
ARSEYOPTERYX
FARTOSAURUS
FLUSHASAURUS REX
PTERANOBUM
UNDERPANTSOSAURUS
HIGH-SPEED MINI BUMOSAURUS
Bumadactyl
The Bumadactyl was one of the first bums to take to the air. It had a vast wing-span, but its ‘wings’ were actually nothing more than large, loose, leathery flaps of bumcheek skin, and it gained most of its lift and speed from its abundant gas power.
Unfortunately, the Bumadactyl was at the mercy of its primitive, crudely formed bowels and would often go out of control like a balloon that is blown up and then let go without its end being tied.
Clogging the skies during the late Triarssic period, Bumadactyls were largely responsible for the creation of the methane layer in the Earth’s atmosphere.
VITAL STATISTICS
Scientific name: Cheekum flaparsius
Family: Flapposaurid
Diet: Carnivorarse
Time: Triarssic 250–203 mya
Stink rating:
Arseyopteryx
Arseyopteryx was the world’s first true flying bum, as opposed to bums that just accidentally blasted themselves into the air as a result of unexpectedly violent emissions.
While Arseyopteryx certainly relied on the same basic thrusting power, it is thought that its ability to control its flight might have developed as a result of its having dry, flaky skin. The large, scale-like pieces of dry skin covering Arseyopteryx eventually became so pronounced that they formed the first primitive bum feathers, which in turn formed the first true wings.
As time went on, Arseyopteryx developed more flying skill and progressed from simple solo joy flights to being able to impress potential mates by putting on spectacular hot-air shows.
VITAL STATISTICS
Scientific name: Plumae ridiculus
Family: Arsornithine
Diet: Bum-seedivorarse
Time: Jurarssic 203–135 mya
Stink rating:
Fartosaurus
The Fartosaurus was a unique creature—a bumosaur that was formed from the floating gases of several other species of bumosaur. While the Fartosaurus lived a relatively peaceful life compared to other bumosaurs, it could, however, be extremely dangerous. It was capable of descending on its prey and smothering it whole in a silent but deadly manner.
Although it had no natural predators, the greatest threat to the Fartosaurus came from the natural elements. A Fartosaurus could easily be broken up and dissipated by strong winds, and due to its highly flammable nature would often burst into flames when struck by lightning.
VITAL STATISTICS
Scientific name: Stinkius vaporarse
Family: Gasornithid
Diet: Carnivorarse
Time: Jurarssic 203–135 mya
Stink rating:
Flushasaurus rex
The Flushasaurus rex was not an ancient predecessor of the modern flush toilet as is often thought. In fact, despite sharing the same basic shape, they are not related at all.
The Flushasaurus rex had wings, legs and a barbed tail. Modern flush toilets have none of these. Another major difference is that the Flushasaurus rex did not dispose of waste like a modern toilet, but instead spent most of its time hurling great loads of dirty, smelly water out of its mouth. This was done in self-defence as other bumosaurs were always trying to sit on it, which was probably due to the extreme shortage of modern flush toilets on Earth during the reign of the bumosaurs.
VITAL STATISTICS
Scientific name: Vomitus projectilius
Family: Freakasaurid
Diet: Carnivorarse
Time: Jurarssic 203–135 mya
Stink rating:
Pteranobum
The Pteranobum was one of the fiercest of the flying bumosaurs. It spent most of its time flying around knocking other smaller flying bumosaurs out of the sky with the thick bony bum attached to the end of its whip-like tail.
As the Pteranobum was herbivorarse, this behaviour was not motivated so much by the need for food as by the fact that it was just a bully that liked picking on flying bumosaurs smaller than itself.
By the end of the Jurarssic period the other bumosaurs had had enough of Pteranobum’s bullying and they would regularly gang up to take their revenge on one by pushing its head into the mouth of a Flushasaurus rex.
VITAL STATISTICS
Scientific name: Whackius grandis
Family: Whackornithid
Diet: Carnivorarse
Time: Jurarssic 203–135 mya
Stink rating:
Underpantsosaurus
Underpantsosauruses mostly travelled in pairs, though they sometimes formed large groups known as multipacks. These multipacks sometimes contained so many Underpantsosauruses that they would form a cloud thick enough to block out the sun. Events such as these struck fear into the hearts of land-dwelling bumosaurs, which could imagine nothing worse than being trapped inside a big dirty stinky smelly pair of Underpantsosauruses.
Unlike most bumosaurs, the Underpantsosaurus did not die out completely, but rather bumvolved over many millions of years, becoming gradually smaller and more fashionable. During this process of bumolution the Underpantsosaur
us lost its ability to fly and the more modern species were eventually domesticated by bum-men and kept in underpants drawers.
VITAL STATISTICS
Scientific name: Jockus maximus
Family: Knickersaurid
Diet: Carnivorarse
Time: Jurarssic 203–135 mya
Stink rating:
High-speed mini bumosaurus
The High-speed mini bumosaurus was so small and so fast that it could not be seen with the naked eye. In fact, this picture has only been made possible by the magic of high-speed illarsetration, a technique pooineered by the famarse bumosaur illarsetrator Jock MacDouglarse.
Bumosaurologists have speculated that the High-speed mini bumosaurus achieved its high speed thanks to a combination of explosive bursts of gas power and its aerobumnamically designed cheeks, which were hard and shiny and allowed it to cut through the air with minimum resistance.
Impossible to catch, the High-speed mini bumosaurus may well have lived forever had windows not been invented.
VITAL STATISTICS
Scientific name: Fastus hellus
Family: Speedornithine
Diet: Bumteria-ivorarse
Time: Crapaceous 135–65 mya
Stink rating:
Exstinktion of the bumosaurs
There are many theories as to what caused the exstinktion of the bumosaurs, but the most likely explanation is the collision of a giant arseteroid with the Earth around 65 million years ago. It probably looked something like this.
Bummals
While a few bumosaurs may have survived the mass exstinktion at the end of the Crapaceous period, the relative absence of bumosaurs created opportunities for the bumolution of prehistoric bummals, which led to the development of Bumanderthals and their descendants, the earliest bum-men (also known as humans).
LOCH NESS BUM-MONSTER
DISGUSTAGONG
GREAT WOOLLY BUTTHEAD
SABRE-TOOTHED BUM
ABUMINABLE POO-MAN
BUMANDERTHAL
Loch Ness bum-monster
The most famarse deep-water dwelling bummal is the Loch Ness bum-monster, which for hundreds of years has been reported to inhabit Loch Ness, an extraordinarily deep lake in Botland.
Evidence for the existence of this species is almost exclusively in the form of eyewitness accounts. People have reported seeing a bum or series of bums and an extremely long neck with a bum-shaped head rising from the water’s surface.
The only piece of evidence that both experts and non-experts agree is one hundred per cent reliable is this picture of the Loch Ness bum-monster by world famarse bumosaurologist, Jock MacDouglarse, who has seen and drawn the mysterious creature on at least three separate occasions.
VITAL STATISTICS
Scientific name: Monsteri rectumius
Family: Mysteriosaur
Diet: Unknown
Time: Perhaps Sewerian 435–410 mya to present
Stink rating: Unknown
Disgustagong
One of the most disgusting of all sea-going bummals, the Disgustagong had disgusting, stumpy little flippers and a disgusting, stupid-looking face and spent its time doing disgusting things like and sometimes even
It could also often be heard making disgusting noises such as !, , !’, and !’. But the most disgusting thing of all about the Disgustagong was when it vomit and . all day long!
NOTE: The above passage has had certain lines blacked out because they were too disgusting for anyone to read.
VITAL STATISTICS
Scientific name: Disgustaceous enormi
Family: Bummal
Diet: ivorarse
Time: Fartocene 65–1.75 mya
Stink rating:
Great woolly butthead
Despite its vacant stare and less than flattering name, the Great woolly butthead was actually one of the most intelligent of the post-bumosaur Scentozoic era bummals, thanks to its two brains located in its twin-cheeked forehead.
Admittedly, its thoughts, e.g. ‘Why does everybody call me a butthead?’ and ‘What’s for dinner?’, could never be mistaken for those of a great philosopher. Nevertheless, this was thinking of an almost Einsteinian complexity compared to the ‘thoughts’ that had drifted occasionally through the tiny brown blobs that served as ‘brains’ for the average bumosaur, e.g. ‘Stink’, ‘Kill’, ‘Eat’, ‘Wipe’, ‘Stink’.
VITAL STATISTICS
Scientific name: Hirsutus cranium
Family: Bummal
Diet: Herbivorarse
Time: Bumocene 1.75 mya – present
Stink rating:
Sabre-toothed bum
A highly aggressive bummal, the Sabre-toothed bum was one of the first post-bumosaur life forms to experiment with really big teeth.
These teeth were certainly useful for skewering both cheeks of an opponent at the same time, but ultimately proved to be more trouble than they were worth. When a Sabre-toothed bum sneezed, for example, the animal’s head often snapped forward so violently that its fangs ended up piercing both of its front feet and pinning them to the ground.
Mating also proved to be a hazardous affair. Even a simple kiss between a male and a female Sabre-toothed bum could result in the violent end of a courtship before it had even begun.
VITAL STATISTICS
Scientific name: Posteria dentata
Family: Bummal
Diet: Carnivorarse
Time: Bumocene 1.75 mya – present
Stink rating:
Abuminable Poo-man
Many bumolutionists now believe that the Abuminable Poo-man, long thought to be the stuff of legend, is actually the missing link between bummals and Bumanderthals.
In the Stinkalaya Mountains in Tibutt, where this creature is thought to live, locals refer to it as the Yucki, a Tibuttan word meaning ‘big stinky poo-man’.
Reported sightings describe a large, hairy, poo-shaped ape that walks upright and attacks yaks, mountain climbers and mountain-climbing yaks.
Several expeditions have been organised to hunt down and capture a Yucki, but none have found more than bumprints, a few skidmarks and large brown blobs covered in coarse brown hair.
VITAL STATISTICS
Scientific name: Homo turdus
Family: Bummal
Diet: Carnivorarse
Time: Fartocene 65–1.75 mya
Stink rating:
Bumanderthal
With their bottoms vastly reduced in size, modern bum-men represent the triumph of brain over bum, but with three bums—one behind, one on top and one in front—Bumanderthal man was still more bum than brain. Relatively primitive and unintelligent creatures, they nevertheless tried their best to communicate with each other, but their early attempts at language were hampered by mid-sentence eruptions of large quantities of gas, rude noises and solid matter.
With three bums to look after, however, Bumanderthals were obsessed with the quest for a softer toilet paper, and many bumolutionists now believe that this drive was largely responsible for the subsequent growth of the brain and, in turn, the rise of modern civilisation.
VITAL STATISTICS
Scientific name: Homo rectumus
Family: Bummal
Diet: Omnivorarse
Time: Bumocene 1.75 mya – present
Stink rating:
Famarse bumosaurologists
Everything we know about bumosaurs and the prehistoric bum world is the result of the hard work and dedication of the scientists known as bumosaurologists. Here are the brief biographies of just a few of these unsung heroes.
Mary and Louis Gasleaky
A husband and wife team whose fossil finds proved that bumosaurs were much smellier than had previously been thought.
Eric Von Dunnycan
Author of Chariots of the Bums, a book in which he claims that Great white bumosauruses were actually bums from another planet.
Sir Roger Francis Rectum
Author of The Origins of the Univarse
in which The Theory of Bumolution was first explained.
Jock MacDouglarse
Inventor of high-speed illarsetration, which made possible the first-ever glimpse of the High-speed mini bumosaurus. He is also the only person to have illarsestrated the elusive Loch Ness bum-monster.
Charles Bumwin
Discovered one of the most famous fossil finds in the history of bumosaurology: prehistoric skidmarks preserved on the surface of an ancient bumcano bog-flow.
Index
A
Abdobum 62
Abuminable Poo-man 144, 145
Aerobumnamically designed cheeks 130
Alligator 42
Arseteroid 132
Arseyopteryx 120, 121
Arsornithine family 120
B
Badlydrawn bumosaurus 74, 75
Bigarseosaurus 92, 104, 105
Bioluminescence 108
Bioluminescent bums 30
Blobpedis rancidius 20
Blobpedoes 20
Blubber 66
Body odour 64
Bog 44, 48
Bog-flow 149
Bog roll 42
Bogasauress 38
Bogasaurus 38, 39
Bogassius bogi 38
Bogfights 38
Bogrollasaurus 72
Bogslide 114
Botland 136
Bottom feeders 6