What Bumosaur is That?

What Bumosaur is That?

Andy Griffiths became aware of the urgent need for a comprehensive guide to bumosaurs during the writing of the final volume of his internationally bestselling Bum trilogy. The magnificent work of non-fiction that you now hold in your hands is the result of at least half an hour of painstaking research. It draws together all the known information—both factual and non-factual—on this unfortunate period in the history of life on Earth. Andy was delighted when Dr Terence Denton agreed to travel back in time with him to help to bring these arsetounding creatures to life.

Terry Denton is a well known and very serious scientific illarsetrator. It was the highlight of his career to be invited along as the official artist on this First Great Bumosaur Expedition by Dr Andrew Griffiths. While he has vast experience illarsetrating scientific texts such as the Just! books and The Cat on the Mat is Flat, nothing could quite prepare him for the exhilaration of coming face to face with creatures such as the Tricerabutt and the Tyrannosore-arse Rex with only a pen and paper to defend himself. After a particularly frightening incident with the Great woolly butthead (not Andy!) he was badly wounded and is presently recovering in hospital.

ALSO BY ANDY GRIFFITHS

AND ILLUSTRATED BY TERRY DENTON

Just Tricking!

Just Annoying!

Just Stupid!

Just Crazy!

Just Disgusting!

The Bad Book

The Cat on the Mat is Flat

ALSO BY ANDY GRIFFITHS

The Day My Bum Went Psycho

Zombie Bums From Uranus

Bumageddon: The Final Pongflict

ALSO BY ANDY GRIFFITHS

(with Jim Thomson and Sophie Blackmore)

Fast Food and No Play Make Jack a Fat Boy:

Creating a healthier lifestyle for you and your children

First published 2007 in Pan by Pan Macmillan Australia Pty Limited

1 Market Street, Sydney

Text copyright © Backyard Stories Pty Ltd 2007

Illustrations copyright © Terry Denton 2007

The moral rights of the creators has been asserted.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted by any person or entity (including Google, Amazon or similar organisations), in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, scanning or by any information storage and retrieval system, without prior permission in writing from the publisher.

National Library of Australia

cataloguing-in-publication data:

Griffiths, Andy, 1961-.

What bumosaur is that?

For children.

ISBN 978 0 330 42301 4 (pbk).

1. Children’s stories. 2. Humorous fiction - Juvenile fiction.

3. Practical jokes - Juvenile fiction. I. Denton, Terry 1950-. II. Title.

A823.3

Typeset in 14/16 Jenson Classico

Printed in Australia by McPherson’s Printing Group

The characters and events in this book are fictitious and any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

Papers used by Pan Macmillan Australia Pty Ltd are natural, recyclable products made from wood grown in sustainable forests. The manufacturing processes conform to the environmental regulations of the country of origin.

These electronic editions published in 2007 by Pan Macmillan Australia Pty Ltd

1 Market Street, Sydney 2000

The moral right of the creators has been asserted.

All rights reserved. This publication (or any part of it) may not be reproduced or transmitted, copied, stored, distributed or otherwise made available by any person or entity (including Google, Amazon or similar organisations), in any form (electronic, digital, optical, mechanical) or by any means (photocopying, recording, scanning or otherwise) without prior written permission from the publisher.

What Bumosaur is That?

Andy Griffiths

Adobe eReader format 978-1-74198-258-9

Mobipocket format 978-1-74198-376-0

Online format 978-1-74198-435-4

Epub format 978-1-74262-212-5

Macmillan Digital Australia

www.macmillandigital.com.au

Visit www.panmacmillan.com.au to read more about all our books and to buy both print and ebooks online. You will also find features, author interviews and news of any author events.

Contents

About Andy and Terry

Also by Andy Griffiths and Illustrated by Terry Denton

Introduction

Invertebutts

Bum-sponge

Trilobutt

Jelly bumfish

Sea scorpibum

Spiny bum-urchin

Octobumopus

Bumolutionary time-chart

Bumfish

Brown-blobpedo fish

Colonacanth

Bumray

Stinkleosteus

Bum-head shark

Deep-sea bum-dangler

Bumolution: how life bumvolved

Bumphibians and stenchtiles

Bumskipper

Bogasaurus

Bumetrodon

Poopigator

Scatosaurus

Turdle

Bumaconstrictor

Prehistoric bum-plant life

Farthropods and Stinksects

Bumipede

Bumslug

Bumsquito

Giant mutant blowfly

Bumantula

Giant prehistoric stinkant

How a bumosaur works

Bumosaurs

Poopasaur

Toiletrollasaurus

Badlydrawn bumosaurus

Bum-headed idiotasaurus

Very rare long-necked long-legged short-tailed

stupid-looking tiny bum-headed droopy-eyed idiotasaurus

Bum-eyed bumosaurus

Bumontopimus

Diapersaurus

Diarrhoeasaurus

Itchybumosaurus

Frill-necked cyclopootops

Skullbuttosaurus

Sparebumosaurus

Stink Kong

Toiletbrushasaurus

Tricerabutt

Tyrannosore-arse rex

Bigarseosaurus

Gigantarsesaurus

Great white bumosaurus

Microbumosaurus

Stenchgantorsaurus

Tyrannosore-arse rex versus Tricerabutt

Bumornithids

Bumadactyl

Arseyopteryx

Fartosaurus

Flushasaurus rex

Pteranobum

Underpantsosaurus

High-speed mini bumosaurus

Exstinktion of the bumosaurs

Bummals

Loch Ness bum-monster

Disgustagong

Great woolly butthead

Sabre-toothed bum

Abuminable Poo-man

Bumanderthal

Famarse bumosaurologists

Index

* * *

Introduction

Life on Earth began with primitive bumteria that appeared in the oceans during the Pre-Crappian era 600 million years ago. Over time, these bumteria bumvolved into more complex forms of bum life, including invertebutts, bumfish, bumphibians, stenchtiles, farthropods, stinksects and bumornithids until eventually giving rise to the group of stenchtiles we know as the bumosaurs.

Bumosaurs appeared on the Earth 203 million years ago at the beginning of the Triarssic period. They came in a stunning variety of shapes and sizes, with an equally stunning variety of stinks and stenches.

Dominating bum life on Earth for the next 150 million years, bumosaurs disappeared from the fossil record a
round 65 million years ago. The exstinktion of the bumosaurs allowed a new species of bum life called bummals to bumvolve, eventually leading to the emergence of the earliest bum-men.

Although the focus of this book is on bumosaurs, examples of bum-related life forms from all major groups have been included in order to provide the most comprehensive—and up-to-date—guide to prehistoric bum life ever published.

* * *

Invertebutts

Life on Earth began in the seas with primitive bumteria during the Pre-crappian era. Over time, these early single-cheeked bums clumped together to form some of the first multi-cheeked invertebutts in the Crapozoic era oceans.

BUM-SPONGE

TRILOBUTT

JELLY BUMFISH

SEA SCORPIBUM

SPINY BUM-URCHIN

OCTOBUMOPUS

Bum-sponge

The Bum-sponge lived permanently attached to the sea floor, absorbing bumteria. It had two distinct cheeks, which is the identifying characteristic of all forms of bum life, both modern and prehistoric.

What it lacked, however, were arms, legs, a mouth, internal organs, a nervous system, a personality and hobbies or interests of any kind.

It is believed that the species was forced to bumvolve other features, such as the ability to create bubbles by releasing gas underwater, in an effort to entertain itself and relieve the boredom of its incredibly dull life.

VITAL STATISTICS

Scientific name: Squeezius cheeki

Family: Squisherbutt

Diet: Bumteria-ivorarse

Time: Crappian 540–500 mya

Stink rating:

Trilobutt

Appearing some 600 million years ago, the Trilobutt was a hard, triple-cheeked bottom feeder. Its flattened shape made it uniquely suited to filtering mud, invertebutt droppings and bumganic particles as it scuttled along the sea floor.

Its hard shell kept it safe from predators; thus it was one of the most successful of all early bum life forms. It swam, crawled and burrowed in the Crapozoic oceans for the next 350 million years.

There were many different species of Trilobutt, and some—such as Trilobuttus gigantis—grew to enormarse proportions.

VITAL STATISTICS

Scientific name: Tricheekium buttus

Family: Stinkerbutt

Diet: Mudivorarse

Time: Crapozoic era 540–250 mya

Stink rating:

Jelly bumfish

Despite having no bones, no heart, no blood and no brains the gas-filled, bumcheek-shaped Jelly bumfish was one of the fiercest of the later soft-bodied invertebutts.

Jelly bumfish travelled in large schools, trailing their long stenchtacles behind them. These stenchtacles each had a deadly jelly-bum on the end, which could swiftly kill captured prey by infecting them with deadly bumteria. The Jelly bumfish would then absorb the prey’s body by bumosis, a primitive form of osmosis in which food is absorbed through tiny pores in the bum cheeks.

VITAL STATISTICS

Scientific name: Piscatis jellibulus

Family: Squisherbutt

Diet: Carnivorarse

Time: Ordungocian 500–435 mya

Stink rating:

Sea scorpibum

The Sea scorpibum was the giant ancestor of the modern-day scorpion, and one of the most feared prehistoric deep-water bum life forms. The enormous claws of a Sea scorpibum could cut a giant Trilobutt in half, and the venom-sacs in its bum-shaped stinger contained raw sewage so potent that it could kill a school of Jelly bumfish within seconds.

Evidence suggests, however, that these terrifying creatures engaged in quite elegant courtship rituals. These would begin with the male grasping the female’s pincers and performing a dance called the bumenade a deux. This dance eventually developed into a range of styles, including bumroom dancing, bum-ballet, stench-jazz and stink-hop.

VITAL STATISTICS

Scientific name: Scorpius oceania

Family: Pinchabutt

Diet: Carnivorarse

Time: Ordungocian, Sewerian 500–410 mya

Stink rating:

Spiny bum-urchin

One of the spikiest and most unpleasant of the unpleasant prehistoric deep-water creatures, the Spiny bum-urchin left behind a trail of death and destruction wherever it went.

Although it fed exclusively on other smaller Spiny bum-urchins (stuffing them two or three at a time into its horrid little spiny mouth), many other creatures were spiked to death on its long spiny spines as it moved across the prehistoric ocean floor in search of more Spiny bum-urchins to stuff into its horrid little spiny mouth.

VITAL STATISTICS

Scientific name: Spinius bumi

Family: Cannibalobutt

Diet: Spiny bum-urchinivorarse

Time: Ordungocian 500–435 mya

Stink rating:

Octobumopus

The eight-armed, eight-headed, sixteen-cheeked, sixteen-eyed Octobumopus was a predecessor of the eight-armed, one-headed, two-eyed octopus that we are familiar with today.

As well as being bizarre in appearance, the Octobumopus had a highly developed defence system. If threatened, it would eject eight clouds of thick brownish liquid to blind—and disgust—predators. It would then use the incredible thrusting power of its sixteen cheeks to escape at high speed, leaving its attacker completely grossed out and in desperate need of an industrial-strength disinfectant.

VITAL STATISTICS

Scientific name: Octavio posteriosi

Family: Freakasaur

Diet: Carnivorarse

Time: Sewerian 435–410 mya

Stink rating:

Bumolutionary time-chart

PRE-CRAPPIAN TIME

4600 – 540 million years ago (mya)

Origin of bum life in the sea

CRAPOZOIC ERA

CRAPPIAN PERIOD

540 – 500 mya

First invertebutts

ORDUNGOCIAN PERIOD

500 – 435 mya

First vertebutts (bumfish) and bum-plants

SEWERIAN PERIOD

435 – 410 mya

Armoured bumfish

DEBUMIAN PERIOD

410 – 355 mya

First bumphibians

CARBUMIFEROUS PERIOD

355 – 295 mya

First stinksects

POOMIAN PERIOD

First stenchtiles

295 – 250 mya

MESSOZOIC ERA

TRIARSSIC PERIOD

First bumosaurs

250 – 203 mya

JURARSSIC PERIOD

First flying bumosaurs

203 – 135 mya

CRAPACEOUS PERIOD

135 – 65 mya

First gigantic bumosaurs

SCENTOZOIC ERA

FARTOCENE EPOCH

65 – 1.75 mya

First bummals

BUMOCENE EPOCH

1.75 mya – present

First Bumanderthals and bum-men

Bumfish

Major advances in bumolution during the Crapozoic era saw the rise of the first vertebutts (bum life forms with internal skeletons). During the Ordungocian period (500–435 million years ago) the first bumfish appeared and soon bumvolved into an astonishing variety of forms that quickly came to dominate the prehistoric seas.

BROWN-BLOBPEDO FISH

COLONACANTH

BUMRAY

STINKLEOSTEUS

BUM-HEAD SHARK

DEEP-SEA BUM-DANGLER

Brown-blobpedo fish

The Brown-blobpedo fish was one of the earliest bum life forms to use brown blobs—self-propelled, cigar-shaped missiles—as a means of attack and defence.

The Brown-blobpedo fish launched these brown blobs, or blobpedoes, at any creature unfortunate enough to stray into its territory, usually with predictably devarsetating results.

Successive generations of Brown-blobpedo fish developed the ability to equip their blobpedoes with homing devic
es and explosive heads. The Brown-blobpedo fish eventually became exstinkt because its blobpedoes achieved such explosive power that they often detonated on launch and bumbliterated the Brown-blobpedo fish itself.

VITAL STATISTICS

Scientific name: Blobpedis rancidius

Family: Crapofish

Diet: Needle kelpivorarse

Time: Ordungocian, Sewerian 500–410 mya

Stink rating:

Colonacanth

The Colonacanth appeared around 400 million years ago and was a close relative of one of the oldest living fossil fish, the Coelacanth (see inset). Little more than a length of intestine, the Colonacanth had few defences apart from its ability to startle potential predators with its ugly bum-shaped face. Unfortunately, many of these predators had ugly bum-shaped faces as well, so this defence was of limited value.

It also proved to be a serious handicap when trying to attract a mate. As a result of both of these disadvantages, the Colonacanth died out fairly quickly.

VITAL STATISTICS

Scientific name: Colonic contagium

Family: Ickyafish

Diet: Pooivorarse

Time: Ordungocian 500–435 mya

Stink rating:

Bumray

While stingrays today are mostly feared for the poisoned barbs on their tails, the Bumray was feared for its terrible breath, one blast of which was strong enough to kill a whole forest of needle kelp or reduce an Octobumopus to a puddle of brown jelly.

Occasionally, usually when frightened, the Bumray would emit breath so strong that it would blast itself up out of the water and have to use its aerobumnamic shape to glide safely back down again. It is thought by many bumosaurologists that this might have been one way in which bumosaurs eventually learned to fly.

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