The Cat on the Mat is Flat
Contents
COVER
TITLE PAGE
COPYRIGHT PAGE
THE CAT, THE MAT, THE RAT AND THE BASEBALL BAT
ED AND TED AND TED’S DOG FRED
PINKY PONKY THE SHONKY, WONKY, BONKY DONKEY
FROG ON A LOG IN A BOG
HARRY BLACK, THE SACK, THE SNACK AND A SNEAKY SNACK-STEALING YAK CALLED JACK
DUCK IN A TRUCK IN THE MUCK
UNLUCKY LOU, A KIND KANGAROO, A HOLE IN A SHOE AND SOME EXTRA-SUPER-FAST-STICKING SUPER-ROO-GLUE
BILL AND PHIL AND THE VERY BIG HILL
ANDY G, TERRY D, THE BRAVE TEA-LADY AND THE EVIL BEE
Andy Griffiths is one of Australia’s funniest and most successful authors. His books include the extremely popular Just! series, which has sold over two million copies worldwide, as well as the New York Times bestselling Bum trilogy. He lives in Melbourne with his wife, two daughters and one (non-flat) cat.
Tenderised at an early age by his four brothers, Terry Denton somehow survived childhood in inner suburban Melbourne. He escaped to the seaside where he started writing and illustrating children’s books. He is best known for his illustrations in Andy Griffiths’ Just! series and The Bad Book, and for his own Gasp! books and Wombat and Fox stories. He shares a house with his wife and three children and a lawn mower and an electric pencil sharpener and a pop-up toaster that only toasts toast on one side.
ALSO BY ANDY GRIFFITHS
AND ILLUSTRATED BY TERRY DENTON
Just Tricking!
Just Annoying!
Just Stupid!
Just Crazy!
Just Disgusting!
The Bad Book
ALSO BY ANDY GRIFFITHS
The Day My Bum Went Psycho
Zombie Bums From Uranus
Bumageddon: The Final Pongflict
ALSO BY ANDY GRIFFITHS
(with Jim Thomson and Sophie Blackmore)
Fast Food and No Play Make Jack a Fat Boy:
Creating a healthier lifestyle for you and your children
First published 2006 in Pan by Pan Macmillan Australia Pty Limited
1 Market Street, Sydney
Text copyright © Backyard Stories Pty Ltd 2006
Illustrations copyright © Terry Denton 2006
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording or by any information storage and retrieval system, without prior permission in writing from the publisher.
National Library of Australia
Cataloguing-in-Publication data:
Griffiths, Andy, 1961–.
The cat on the mat is flat.
For primary school children.
ISBN 978 0 330 42260 4.
ISBN 0 330 42260 X.
1. Humorous stories, Australian. 2. Children’s stories, Australian.
I. Denton, Terry, 1950 –. II. Title.
A823.3
Internal design by Liz Seymour and Terry Denton
Typeset in 18/25 Janson Text
Printed in Australia by McPherson’s Printing Group
The characters and events in this book are fictitious and any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.
Papers used by Pan Macmillan Australia Pty Ltd are natural, recyclable products made from wood grown in sustainable forests. The manufacturing processes conform to the environmental regulations of the country of origin.
These electronic editions published in 2006 by Pan Macmillan Australia Pty Ltd
1 Market Street, Sydney 2000
The moral rights of the creators have been asserted.
All rights reserved. This publication (or any part of it) may not be reproduced or transmitted, copied, stored, distributed or otherwise made available by any person or entity (including Google, Amazon or similar organisations), in any form (electronic, digital, optical, mechanical) or by any means (photocopying, recording, scanning or otherwise) without prior written permission from the publisher.
The Cat on the Mat is Flat
Andy Griffiths and Terry Denton
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THE CAT,
THE MAT,
THE RAT,
AND THE
BASEBALL BAT
The cat sat.
The cat sat on the mat.
The cat sat on the mat
and as it sat
it saw a rat.
The cat jumped up
and chased
the rat
around
and around
and around
the mat.
The rat did not like
being chased by the cat,
and after three laps
around the mat
the rat said,
‘That’s enough of that!’
And it went
and got …
a baseball bat.
The rat
chased the cat.
The rat
chased the cat
with the
baseball bat.
Around
and around
and around
the mat
the rat
chased the cat
with the baseball bat
until …
Never again
did that cat
chase the rat—
the cat
was much too flat
for that.
ED AND TED
AND
TED’S DOG
FRED
There was a man
whose name was Ed.
Ed lived in a shed
with his friend Ted.
Ted had a dog
whose name
was Fred.
Ed liked Ted
and Ted liked Ed
and Fred liked Ted
but he didn’t like Ed.
One morning Fred
jumped on Ed’s bed.
Ed said: ‘Fred,
get off my bed!’
But Fred
just growled
and bit Ed’s head.
Ed saw red
and then
he said:
‘I’m fed up
with Fred
always biting
my head!
I’m leaving this shed.’
And he went
to his car
(which
was
red).
He
jumped in
and away he sped.
Ted said:
‘Ed! Come back to the shed!’
But Ed just shook his head
and fled.
So Ted jumped in his car
(which was also red).
But it wouldn’t start.
The battery was dead.
Ted stamped his feet
and his face went red.
‘Bother! Bother! Bother!’ he said.
‘I’ll have to take the sled instead.’
Ted hitched up Fred
to the front of the sled
(which, by the way,
was also red)
>
and away
from the shed
sped Fred and Ted.
Ted and
Fred
sped
after Ed.
Ted saw
Ed’s
red car
up ahead.
‘Faster,
‘Faster,
Fred!’
said Ted.
Ted and Fred
were gaining on Ed,
but all of a sudden,
Ed stopped dead.
There was
a road block
and a sign that read,
‘STOP! DO NOT DRIVE!
BIG CLIFF AHEAD!’
Ted said, ‘Fred!
Stop the sled!’
But Fred
could not.
On they sped!
Ted and Fred
smashed into Ed.
Over
the
cliff
Ed
plumm-et-ed!
Closely
followed
by
Ted
and
Fred.
They
hit the water
and
sank like lead.
Poor Ed
and Ted
and Ted’s dog
Fred!
They were
drowning
and
almost dead ...
when they were swallowed
by a whale
called
Ned.
‘Bother!’ said Ed.
‘Bother!’ said Ted.
‘Woof! Woof! Woof!’ said
Ted’s dog Fred,
as they bobbed around
in the belly of Ned.
Ed and Ted and Ted’s dog Fred
were certain
they were surely dead,
but the
whale called Ned—
who was overfed—
blew Ed
and Ted
and Ted’s dog Fred
out of
the hole
in the top
of his head.
Up,
up,
up,
flew
Ed
and
Ted.
Up,
up,
up,
flew Ted’s
dog
Fred
and
then ...
down,
down,
down,
they all did
head!
‘Oh no,’
said Ted
with deathly
dread.
‘We’ll hit
the ground.
We’ll end up
dead!’
‘Fear not,’
said Ed,
to his friend Ted,
stretching a
handkerchief
over his head.
‘Hang on to me, Ted!
Hang on to Ted, Fred!’
and
down
to
the
ground
they
para-chut-ed.
‘Thank you,
thank you, Ed!’ said Ted.
‘Thanks to you we are not dead!’
‘Woof! Woof! Woof!’
said Ted’s dog Fred
as he jumped up
and LICKED
Ed’s head.
Ed
hugged
Fred!
Fred
hugged
Ed!
Ted
hugged
Fred!
Fred
hugged
Ted!
Ed
hugged
Ted!
Ted
hugged
Ed!
And
they
lived happily
ever after ...
in their shed.
PINKY PONKY
THE SHONKY,
WONKY,
BONKY
DONKEY
This is the story of Pinky Ponky.
Pinky Ponky was a donkey.
Pinky Ponky’s tail was shonky.
Pinky Ponky’s leg was wonky.
Pinky Ponky’s brain was bonky.
And that’s the story
of Pinky Ponky:
the shonky,
wonky,
bonky
donkey.
FROG
ON A
LOG
IN A
BOG
There once was a frog
who lived in a bog.
The frog rode around
on a jet-rocket log.
There was no faster
frog in the bog.
But then one day
while riding its log
the frog looked up
and saw a dog.
The dog
was riding
a jet-rocket cog.
‘My cog is faster
than your boggy old log,’
said the dog on a cog
to the frog on a log.
‘My log is faster
than your rusty old cog,’
said the frog on a log
to the dog on a cog.
‘We’ll see about that!’
said the dog on a cog.
‘I challenge you, frog,
to a race round the bog!’
‘I agree!’ said the frog.
‘It’s you and your cog
versus me and my log ...
and I’m going
to beat you,
Dog-on-a-cog.’
But just then
along came
the boss
of the bog:
a big fat hairy
slob of a hog.
‘STOP!’ said the hog
to the dog and the frog.
‘Racing is NOT
allowed in my bog!
Not on a log!
Not on a cog!
No log-racing frogs!
No cog-racing dogs!
Do you hear me,
Frog-on-a-log?
Do you hear me,
Dog-on-a-cog?’
But the dog and the frog
just laughed at the hog—
and took off at high speed
around the bog.
The frog on a log
got in front of the dog!
Then the dog on a cog
got in front of the frog!
The frog raced its log
and the dog raced its cog
around
and around
and around the bog
until ...
up ahead
they saw the hog
standing on top of a
wall made of logs!
‘Stop!’ cried the hog.
‘Stop, dog!
Stop, frog!
Stop this race around my bog!’
‘But we’re going too fast!’
cried the frog on a log.
‘We CANNOT stop!’
cried the dog on a cog.
Into the air flew the dog and the frog.
Into the air flew the log and the cog.
Into the air flew the hog and his logs.
And then
down came the dog
on top of the cog!
Down came the frog
on top of the dog!
And last of all
down came the hog—
right on top of
the frog’s
rocket log!
‘Hey, this is fun!’
said the log-riding hog
as he rode the frog’s log
past the dog and the frog.
‘I’m the fastest hog on a log in the bog!
Try to catch me, dog and frog!
Try to catch me on the cog!’
‘Okay!’ said the frog.
‘It’s you on the log
versus us on the cog,
and we’re going
to beat you,
Hog-on-a-log.’
And so the dog and the frog
on the jet-rocket cog
spent the rest of the day
racing the hog ...
around
and around
and around the bog.
HARRY BLACK,
THE SACK,
THE SNACK
AND A SNEAKY
SNACK-STEALING
YAK CALLED JACK
There was a man
called Harry Black.
Harry Black had a sack.
In his sack he had a snack.
He carried the sack
with the snack on his back.
One day while walking
down a track,
Harry Black met Jack the Yak.
‘Hello, Jack,’ said Harry Black.
‘Hello, Harry Black,’ said Jack.
‘Is that a snack I can
smell in your sack?’
‘Why, yes, it is,’
said Harry Black.
‘I carry a snack
in the sack on my back.’
‘Can I have some, Harry Black?’
said Jack the Yak, who had no snack.
‘No way, Jack,’ said Harry Black.
‘Get your own snack, Jack the Yak!’
‘You’ll be sorry,’
said Jack the Yak.
‘You’ll be sorry, Harry Black!’