The 13-Story Treehouse Page 2

  “How long will that take?” I said.

  Terry looked at the packet. “Twenty-four hours.”

  “What?!” I said. “But that’s a whole day!”

  “Don’t be silly, Andy,” said Terry, laughing. “There aren’t twenty-four hours in a day!”

  “YES THERE ARE!” I shouted. “And if you think I’m going to let you waste any more time on these stupid sea-monkeys, then you’re out of your tiny, pea-brained, numbskull-sized mind!”

  “Watch your language, Andy,” said Terry. “There might be children reading.”

  “I don’t care who is reading,” I said. “Put your sea-monkey eggs in that water right now or else I swear I’ll shove that jar onto your head so hard that it will be stuck on there for the rest of your life! How would you like that?”

  Terry thought about it for a moment.

  “I don’t think I’d like it at all,” he said finally. “I guess, under the circumstances, we can skip the water-purifying step and add the eggs straight away.”

  “Great thinking,” I said.

  Terry’s hand was trembling as he poured the sea-monkey eggs into the jar.

  He stirred it and held it up to the light.

  “I’ve done it!” he shouted. “I’m a genius! I’ve created life!”

  He was right.

  Not about being a genius, of course, but there was definitely a bunch of newly hatched sea-monkeys bobbing around in the jar.

  “Well, that’s just great,” I said. “Now can we get back to our book?”

  “Not yet,” said Terry. “I have to feed them one level scoop of official sea-monkey growth food.”

  I groaned. “Does that mean that now you have to build a one-level-scoop-of-official-sea-monkey-growth-food-dispensing-machine?”

  “No need for that! They come with their own official sea-monkey growth food–dispensing utensil,” said Terry as he sprinkled sea-monkey growth food from a plastic spoon into the top of the jar.

  The food triggered a feeding frenzy. Well, in one sea-monkey, at least. It swam straight to it and sucked it all up before the others could get any.

  “What a guts!” said Terry.

  “Better put some more in,” I said.

  Terry measured out another spoonful and sprinkled it into the jar.

  Once again the greedy sea-monkey ate it all...and then it started to grow.

  Within seconds it doubled in size and then doubled in size again. Then it swam around the jar and ate all the other sea-monkeys!

  It grew bigger...

  and bigger...

  and bigger.

  “It’s getting too big for the jar!” said Terry.

  “Get a beaker!” I said. “A really big beaker!”

  Terry darted away and returned with the biggest beaker we had.

  “That ought to hold it,” he said, as he tipped the sea-monkey from the jar into its new home.

  But the sea-monkey kept right on growing. Soon it was too big for the beaker, so we tipped it into a bucket. But it quickly outgrew that as well.

  “It’s no use,” said Terry. “We need something even bigger!”

  “How about the bath?” I said.

  “I didn’t know we had a bath!” said Terry.

  “Yes,” I said. “I’ve been meaning to talk to you about that. It’s in the bathroom.”

  “I didn’t know we had a bathroom!” said Terry.

  “Just bring the bucket and follow me,” I said.

  “That is one weird-looking sea-monkey!” I said, when we’d finally got it into the bath.

  “That’s because I’m not a sea-monkey,” said the weird-looking sea-monkey. “I am a mermaid!”

  “A mermaid?” said Terry, looking like he was about to cry. “But mermaids are for girls! I ordered sea-monkeys!”

  “It’s not my fault,” said the mermaid. “The eggs must have got mixed up at the factory. My name is Mermaidia, what’s yours?”

  “Terry,” he said.

  “That’s a nice name for a merman,” said Mermaidia.

  “I’m not a merman,” said Terry.

  “Oh, I thought you were,” said Mermaidia, gazing at Terry. “You’re certainly good-looking enough to be one.”

  Terry blushed and giggled.

  “Hello,” I said. “I’m Andy.”

  “Uh-huh,” said Mermaidia, not taking her eyes off Terry.

  “I live here, too,” I said.

  “Uh-huh,” said Mermaidia. “Why don’t you run along now, Sandy? Terry and I would like to be alone.”

  “Yes,” said Terry, dreamily.

  “But what about our book?” I said. “When are we going to do that?”

  But it was no use.

  Neither of them were listening to me. They were just gazing into each other’s eyes. It was quite embarrassing, actually.

  I stepped out of the room and closed the door. The thing was, though, I could still hear what they were saying.

  “You are so sweet,” said Mermaidia. “I wish I could stay here with you!”

  “But you can... can’t you?” said Terry.

  “Alas, no,” said Mermaidia. “I can’t live in a bathtub forever.”

  “We’ve got a swimming pool!” said Terry. “It’s see-through! You could live there!”

  “But I need to live in the sea,” said Mermaidia. “It’s where I belong.”

  “Oh,” said Terry sadly.

  “I know!” said Mermaidia. “Why don’t you come to live with me? We could live in my 13-story sand castle under the sea!”

  “That would be nice,” said Terry. “But I’m not a merman—I can’t breathe underwater.”

  “There is a way, though,” said Mermaidia. “When a human and a mermaid get married the human becomes a merman...and all we have to do to be married is kiss.”

  I should have rushed in and broken it up right then and there, but I didn’t want them to know I’d been listening. And, besides, I was too late anyway. I shuddered as I heard the unmistakable sound of a human and a mermaid kissing.

  “Oh, darling,” crooned Mermaidia, “I’m so happy! Let’s leave right away!”

  “Okay,” said Terry. “I’ve just got to say good-bye to Andy.”

  “All right, but hurry,” sighed Mermaidia impatiently. “I don’t know how much longer I can last in this bathwater.”

  I quickly hid as Terry came out of the bathroom.

  He climbed down the ladder and started looking for me.

  “Andy,” he called. “I need to talk to you!”

  I was about to go down and join him when I heard a strange gurgling sound coming from the bathroom. It sounded like Mermaidia was choking and, even though I didn’t especially like her, I thought I should still see if she was all right. But as I entered the bathroom I caught sight of her reflection in the mirror. And what I saw was definitely not all right. In fact, it was definitely all wrong. Very, very wrong!

  Mermaidia wasn’t Mermaidia anymore. She was a sea monster!

  How could I be so sure that she was a sea monster?

  Well, for a start, there was her slimy sea-monstery skin...

  and her slimy sea-monstery tentacles...

  and her slimy sea-monstery stench...

  ...but, above all, I think it was the fact that she was saying, “Bathroom mirror, on the wall...who’s the sneakiest sea monster of all?” that really clinched it for me.

  You know when you see something so horrible that you want to look away but you can’t? Well, this was so horrible that I had to get out my flip camera and record it!

  And with that, the monster became Mermaidia again and climbed back into the bathtub.

  I stopped recording and rushed off to find Terry.

  He was down in the kitchen.

  The marshmallow dispenser was shooting marshmallows into his mouth just as fast as he could swallow them.

  “Guess what, Andy?” he mumbled with his mouth full.

  “Um, let me see...you and Mermaidia got married and you
’re off to live in an underwater 13-story sand castle?”

  Terry was amazed.

  “How did you know?!”

  “I heard the whole thing,” I said. “And that’s not all I heard—after you left I discovered that Mermaidia is not a mermaid at all...she’s a sea monster!”

  “That’s a lie!” said Terry. “You’re just jealous!”

  “No, I’m not,” I said. “Look at this!”

  I pressed PLAY on my camera and handed it to him.

  “Yikes!” said Terry. “What am I going to do?”

  “Well, for a start,” I said, “I think you should definitely break up with her. And pretty soon, too.”

  “Of course I will!” said Terry. “But what if she tries to eat me?”

  “Calm down,” I said. “I was just joking. For the moment there’s no need to do anything. She doesn’t know that you know that she’s a sea monster...”

  “Oh yes I do,” said a hideous gurgling voice behind us.

  We turned to see “Mermaidia” sliming her way across the kitchen toward us.

  “Go away!” said Terry, trying to hide behind me.

  “But we’re married, my darling,” she said, extending her horrible face toward Terry.

  “Don’t kiss me!” he pleaded, his eyes wide in alarm.

  “I’m not going to kiss you,” she said. “I’m going to eat you...and your eavesdropping friend!”

  “But I didn’t mean to eavesdrop!” I said. “Can’t you just let me off with a warning...or a small fine...or something?”

  “I suppose I could,” said Mermaidia, “it’s just that I’m so very hungry. Being cooped up in a sea-monkey packet for so long gives one such an appetite!”

  We backed away from Mermaidia until we were pressed up against the elevator doors. I felt around behind me, desperately trying to find the button to open the door as she slimed closer and closer.

  Finally I found it! The doors slid open and we tumbled backward into the elevator.

  Mermaidia roared as the doors slid shut.

  “Phew!” said Terry. “I’m glad that’s over!”

  “Are you kidding?” I said, as we descended toward the laboratory. “That was only round one!”

  “So what are we going to do now?”

  “Well,” I said, “this might be a dumb question but can the banana-enlarger work in reverse?”

  “You mean as a banana-shrinker?” said Terry. “Sure. It’s simply a matter of reversing the polarity...but how are shrunken bananas going to help us fight a sea monster?”

  “They’re not,” I explained as the elevator doors opened into the lab. “And we’re not going to fight a sea monster. We’re going to shrink it! But you’re going to have to work fast. Your wife will be here any second.”

  “Don’t remind me!” said Terry, making a dash for the enlarger.

  I listened as the elevator rose through the trunk back to the main level. Mermaidia had obviously summoned it and would be here any moment.

  “One sea-monster shrinker ready for action!” said Terry.

  “Just in time!” I said.

  I stood as close to the elevator as I dared.

  The doors slid open and Mermaidia oozed into the room.

  “Ah, there you are,” she gurgled. “I can’t believe you really thought you were going to get away from me! You humans are so stupid.”

  “And you’re nothing but an overgrown sea-monkey!” I taunted her as I backed across the lab toward the shrinker, hoping she would follow.

  “I am not a sea-monkey,” she shrieked as she slimed her way toward me. “I’m a sea monster! And just for that I’m going to eat you first.”

  “Oh no you’re not,” I said.

  “Oh yes I am,” she said as she touched the tip of my nose with one of her stinking black tentacles.

  “No, you’re really not!” I shouted, jumping clear. “Now, Terry!”

  Terry fired up the shrinker and blasted her with the ray.

  Mermaidia screamed in rage as she began to shrink before our eyes.

  “I’M SHRINKING!” she screamed as she grew smaller and smaller.

  Soon she was no larger—and no more dangerous—than a jellybean. She lay on the floor between us, ranting in a tiny, high voice.

  “She was the worst sea-monkey ever!” said Terry. “I’ve got a good mind to send her back to the factory.”

  “We’re going to send her back all right,” I said. “But not to the factory—back to the sea where she belongs. In fact, I’m going to do it right now. Unless you’d prefer to.”

  “No, I don’t think I can,” said Terry.

  “Fine,” I said.

  I picked her up with a pair of tweezers, dropped her into the toilet, and pushed full flush.

  Twice. I wasn’t taking any chances.

  When I came out Terry was wiping away a tear.

  “I can only guess how sad you must feel,” I said, putting my arm around him, “but try to look on the bright side.”

  “What bright side?”

  “Now we can get on with our book!”

  CHAPTER 8

  THE BIG BUBBLE

  We took the elevator up to the main deck and sat down at the table.

  “Okay,” I said, “where were we up to? Oh that’s right...‘Once upon a time.’ Now let me see...Once upon a time there was a...a...a...help me out here, Terry! Once upon a time there was a...what?”

  “A whatever,” sighed Terry. “I don’t care. I can’t work. I’m too sad. I know Mermaidia was a sea monster but I really liked her when she was a mermaid.”

  “How about a marshmallow?” I said. “Would that help? I’ll call the machine over.”

  “Nah,” said Terry. “I’m tired of marshmallows.”

  “Maybe you just need a change,” I said. “How about some popcorn?”

  Terry shrugged.

  “We can pop it with the lid off,” I said.

  Terry shrugged again. “Okay.”

  I filled the popcorn-maker up and turned it on.

  We waited...

  and waited...

  and waited...

  and just when we thought it was never going to pop, suddenly.....................IT DID!

  We ran around and caught as much of it in our mouths as we could until we couldn’t eat any more.

  “That was a great idea, Andy!” said Terry. “But now I’m really thirsty.”

  “Some lemonade will fix that,” I said. “I’ll start the fountain.”

  Did I mention that we have a lemonade fountain? Well, we do. It’s just like a regular fountain but instead of water it has lemonade. Any flavor you want as long as it’s red, orange, lemon, cola, or tutti-frutti (which is all the flavors mixed together).

  We sat in the lemonade fountain for a long time. And when I say “a long time,” I mean probably a lot longer than we really should have.

  “Oops, excuse me!” said Terry, covering his mouth with his hand.

  But before I could excuse him I burped even louder.

  “No, excuse me,” I said.

  Terry burped again, even louder this time.

  “Well, you certainly sound like you’re feeling better,” I said.

  “Much better,” said Terry. “All I need now is some bubblegum!”

  He climbed out of the lemonade fountain, went over to the bubblegum dispenser, reeled off a long strip, and shoved it all in to his mouth.

  “Mmm, that’s good,” Terry mumbled as he chewed. “Hey, I’ve got a great idea, Andy—watch this!”

  Terry chewed and burped...

  and burped and chewed...

  and blew and burped...

  and burped and blew...

  until he had blown the biggest bubble I had ever seen. The bubble was so big that I couldn’t even see Terry anymore.

  “That’s enough!” I said. “It’s getting too big!”

  But Terry couldn’t hear me. And the reason for that was because the bubble had become so big that it had completel
y surrounded him! He was inside his own burp-gas-filled bubblegum bubble!

  “Hey, this is really fun!” said Terry as he floated around in his bubble.

  “Be careful,” I said.

  “What could possibly go wrong?” he said.

  And then he began to float higher and higher up into the air. “HELP!” he cried.

  “Don’t worry!” I called to him as he floated up, up and away from the treehouse, “I’ll save you!”

  I took a running jump at the closest vine and swung out as far as I could to try to catch the bubble. It was a good swing, but not quite good enough. My hand closed on thin air and Terry continued to float away, higher and higher into the sky.

  There was only one thing to do. I grabbed my golf clubs and raced up to the observation deck. I figured now would be a great time to work on my golf swing...and, of course, to try to pop Terry’s bubble at the same time.

  I gave it my best shot but I didn’t have any luck on my first attempt...

  or on my second...

  or even on my third...

  but my fourth attempt was a bull’s-eye!

  The bubble burst apart, which was both good and bad. Good because Terry was no longer trapped in a bubble full of burp gas, but bad because now he was plummeting toward the ground without a parachute...or even...a crash helmet.

  Luckily, however, the marshmallow machine seemed to know just what to do. It began firing marshmallows at supersonic speed and within moments there was a giant pillow of marshmallows on the ground directly below Terry.